To ask why birthday parties are so rigid?

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I'm from Mediterranean culture but have lived in the UK for over 15 years and have two DC.
We've been going to birthday parties for years now and they used to be very relaxed, fun and a nice way to celebrate the birthday child

In recent years everything has become so rigid and I'm wondering why... Sorting food is the most stressful thing ever, party decorations take ages to do (I blame social media expectations for this) and bringing a sibling seems to be SO frowned upon. Many parents don't have another mean of child care so leaving one child at home isn't an option for them. Most of them are also happy to pay for the additional child's soft play or venue ticket.
But why the nastiness and talking behind people's back (I can't believe she brought her other child.....)?
I'm very much it's a kid's party, come have some food/coffee and let's chat while the kids play.... But it's obviously cultural difference.

I wish we weren't so rigid here, we pass that behaviour onto our children and a mark on the community that people aren't as welcome as we want it to look like.

I think it depends. When they were little a party in the garden, when they were bigger we used to do campfires, s’mores, treasure hunts den building but we live in the sticks. I’ve always been very easy about siblings, a few spare party bags. It’s trickier at a paid for party at a venue as the party times don’t necessarily match up with public start times , food is in a different room.

Rudest bring along I had was when the parent didn't even reply for the 1 child that was invited but turned up with 3 children and no present, not even a card. It was at a soft play so numbers and food were limited but I always allowed for extras, I refused to hand over party bags to the 2 extra children even though they stood in line.
Not replying to invites really annoys me.
1DC has a summer birthday and 1DC has a winter birthday so parties were entirely different. In the summer parties were outside and we were very flexible with numbers. Winter parties at venues are trickier, you can book karting for 8 but what do you do if 13 turn up?

I think it's because people book commercial parties at £x per head and need to keep an eye on the budget. And they try to pack it into a neat two hour slot.

I always ran DS' parties from home. Vast home made birthday cake, games in the garden, a couple of bottles of white wine and endless tea/coffee for the mums. A cartoon artist or conjuror if I was feeling flush. Excess party bags with a piece of cake, a balloon and a puzzle.

Then issue a class-wide invitation. Parents could stay or not as they wished.

Then expect it to over-run. It helped that ds' birthday was in the summer so more chance of good weather.

I've brought my older DD (Special Needs) along when my younger one went to school friends' parties, but usually she stays with Grandparents as it can be too much for her if there is a lot of noise or she could have a meltdown if she doesn't get food, she is also significantly older so a teenager diving in a soft play area or bouncy castle meant for Reception age children would have been unsafe and more often than not you can't stop her if she does dive and I have to keep her closely supervised so it makes interaction with others difficult. Luckily when I've brought her along she has been offered food and a party bag and people have been supportive of her needs.

Because often the venue or entertainer sets a limit on numbers; if you’re hosting a class party and everyone attends then there’s no way you can add siblings on to most parties without it causing issues or amounting to considerable extra cost. It’s really selfish for people to bring siblings without asking as it puts the host in a horrible position, I’ve also seen siblings take party bags not intended for them that has then left there not enough for the invited guests.

Again, all these things are so expensive so it’s unrealistic to expect people to foot the bill for extra kids. If you haven’t got childcare then either you can ask if you can drop off your kid or say you can’t make it.

I think a lot of the problem comes down to the way some of the parents who bring siblings along to parties handle them. If hosts knew that siblings would be closely supervised by their parents (and paid for if there was an additional cost), and would not expect food (unless there was a plentiful buffet) or party bags etc then I don't think most people would be bothered.

Unfortunately, some people take the mickey so parents immediately worry that the sibling will be allowed to cause problems and they will have the awkwardness of trying to deal with that or try to get their parents to deal with it. Some of the issues I've witness (which parents of uninvited siblings either ignored or actively encouraged) were:

• Much younger sibling, who was far to young to understand the rules etc, spoiling the activity for invited guests but parent laughed it off as 'cute' and got annoyed at activity staff for being 'mean' and asking her child to sit down.
• Younger sibling being allowed to throw food/squash loads of cakes that parent had made so that most of the invited guests couldn't have one
• Parents taking party bags for siblings (despite being told there was not one for them) and getting aggressive when asked to put it back
• Younger sibling being given a hastily made party bag (with cake and a few spare sweets etc) at the end of the party and creating a HUGE fuss about not having the same as her sister. Parent went round the invited guests asking for someone to swap with younger child.

In a way I understand your point. However, with parties like soft play, lazerzone, trampolining we pay for the exact number of kids, the exact number of meals are prepared and the exact number of party bags are there. For people to turn up with extra kids, it kind of messes up the numbers. I'm probably too soft but I'd always end up paying for extra kids myself. I felt obliged as the host. I'm sure others wouldn't be so soft! But I didn't like it as I'd already paid about £200 for the party.
If it was a party in a church hall or something then fine. That's easier to accommodate extra children.
My in-laws live in the Mediterranean and I've been to many children's parties there. I see the difference. They're definitely more relaxed. However, the parties I've been to really were just adults chatting while kids ran around. Once there was a small trampoline but that was it. Completely unstructured and lacking in activities. It always seems more like a gathering for the parents, with nothing arranged to keep the kids entertained. People from this country hadn't even heard of party games like pass the parcel or musical statues. I dont know if it's the same in your country OP.
So yes, here we like more structured parties - either party games or an activity like soft play, bowling or whatever. I don't think that's a bad thing!

I really don’t think that parents turning up with extra, uninvited children is “trivial.”

I would get very “huffy” if I planned a party for my child, paid for/made the right amount of food for all invited attendees, made the right amount of party bags for all attendees etc etc and then a load of random siblings my poor child doesn’t even know turned up. Especially if it’s older ones taking over the games etc.

Because it’s rude to bring another child without asking. I’ve got two kids and I wouldn’t bring my other child without asking and to be fair I wouldn’t ask and just assume I can’t bring them.
If everyone does that then you end up with double the numbers and where does it stop if you have 4 kids. Do you bring them all?

It’s the respectful thing to do to not bring siblings and this is coming from someone who has multiple kids. Those who don’t find it even more rude.

Times must have changesd, when my kids were invited to parties, they were left at the party, parents and other siblings did not stay, unless it was in church hall and parents and siblings were invited as well.

Maybe because it's so expensive these days?
Soft play party is £16 per child, a Gravity party is £30 per child.

You invite a set number and that set number are catered for, somebody else's child turning up means that there's now an extra mouth to feed and they probably expect a party bag too then it's not really fair on the host who has already spent a fortune and now feels shit because someone turned up with extra, uninvited mouths to feed.

Ive also had extra children brought to parties and have food sensitivities. Id tried really hard to ensure the children with allergies had nice food in line with everyone elses but it was limited. Child who wasnt invited then was sitting at (someone elses) seat at the table eating food that was deliberately bought for children who couldnt eat the other option. Its cheeky fuckery on behalf of the parents.

So they had extra party bags and extra food?

So go-karting or laser tag or indoor trampoline parks aren't fun in your world? Even indoor soft play for the little ones is booked as are petting farms

Your idea is fine if you live in a warm dry climate and parties are free for all gatherings with no catered for activities.

In the uk where the weather is a bit less predictable we have more activity parties and no, obviously you can't bring extra siblings to a go-karting party where everyone has to have their own go-kart and meals are catered for.

If you bring extra kids then some invited kids will go without. Now THAT'S rude!

Yes if possible. As far as food is concerned, I have not expected school parents to accommodate my other child and have offered to pay for her if needed. If anything, my older daughter has a good appetite most of the time and if she is there, not a lot of food gets wasted so that is a good thing if a parent has overestimated how many are coming or has arranged a buffet. Likewise most parents I know are likely to prepare more party bags in case a child turns up that they weren't expecting.

I'd say 50% of DS parties we have needed to take DD (4 years younger) due to childcare issues. Noone ever has a problem with it

4 years younger? Why wouldn’t you drop and run?

I know OP said she’d stay for coffee and cake - not all parents want you to stay for coffee and cake! They have a party to run.

Yeah sure, it's the parents of the birthday child who have the problem ...

Actually the change in behaviour is the new entitlement of the parents of the siblings to the invited guest. PP have described situations where these parents expect their precious +1 to be catered for, and included just the same as if they were invited.

I live in a warm, mostly dry place and as the kids got older (and COVID was a thing) we have moved from a relaxed park/public pool party (where I would prepare extra party bags, grazing table style food for children and adults, and siblings were welcome) to indoor venues (bowling/bouncing etc) with strict numbers for games, party bags and catering. If there's no cancellations, I can't include a sibling. If there's no cancellations, there will be no party bags for siblings. I love it (I do purchase adult food and coffee for the parents).
Having said that, in our circle of friends the parent of a sibling pays their entry fee, stays at the venue and supervises them separately from the party group. Gate crashing is rude. 🙂