To ask why birthday parties are so rigid?

[Blablabla1984]

I'm from Mediterranean culture but have lived in the UK for over 15 years and have two DC.
We've been going to birthday parties for years now and they used to be very relaxed, fun and a nice way to celebrate the birthday child

In recent years everything has become so rigid and I'm wondering why... Sorting food is the most stressful thing ever, party decorations take ages to do (I blame social media expectations for this) and bringing a sibling seems to be SO frowned upon. Many parents don't have another mean of child care so leaving one child at home isn't an option for them. Most of them are also happy to pay for the additional child's soft play or venue ticket.
But why the nastiness and talking behind people's back (I can't believe she brought her other child.....)?
I'm very much it's a kid's party, come have some food/coffee and let's chat while the kids play.... But it's obviously cultural difference.

I wish we weren't so rigid here, we pass that behaviour onto our children and a mark on the community that people aren't as welcome as we want it to look like.

Why do you have to bring the other child? Just drop your child off and collect at the finish time??

I work Saturdays so when either child had a party invite dh would ask if he could drop off and join the party when I arrived home. Most parents were happy with this, if they said no then he would decline the invite as he wouldn't have anyone to take care of the other child. As there is a years gap between my older two most of their friends knew them both and would say to bring the other child when we did a rsvp. Now our bigger two are older so they have drop and go parties which makes our lives easier. We do have a 3 year old now so either she won't be going to many parties, if I have enough notice I can rearrange shifts or if time allows and his mum is willing we drop the older two off at hers.

I think the onus is on the parent to figure things so I wouldn't ask if my 7 and 8 year old can tag along to a party for a friend of my youngest because they are too big and it would change the dynamic, not be safe on a bouncy castle etc.

If we held a party at home, I always have extra food and party bags and am happy to accommodate siblings. I would happily do so at a village hall too. In my view it only gets trickier at places with fixed numbers.

I think the only time it’s acceptable to bring a sibling is if it’s a public venue and your are paying for the siblings entry fee and buying them their own food separately- not letting them hang hungrily around the table when the birthday children are eating. And obviously you don’t drink that child off, you have to remain with them. So they basically aren’t at the party.

And even then ask first.

If it’s in someone’s home or a hired hall etc, then you ask first and accept no for an answer - again you don’t drop off said sibling, it’s only if there’s room for you to stay as well that it might be ok.

Not the point, I know, but I've never understood the party bag issue with uninvited kids turning up. Surely just say "here's a party bag for X, I'm sorry we don't have any spares for siblings". It's up to the parents then to deal with the sibling's disappointment or make the party guest share the party bag with the sibling. Same for food as well. I wouldn't take my toddler uninvited to a party and always ask if they need to come, but my older DC and toddler don't need more than one portion of food and one party bag between them - they can share the food (DC1 never eats food at a party anyway!) and the party bag is not normally appropriate for a young toddler anyway. If it is, DC2 can play with the plastic junk once DC1 has discarded it. Tbh I find it quite helpful having DC2 there to hoover up DC1's food so we don't leave an untouched plate 😂. And we're not alone - I know lots of kids who don't touch the food at parties, so the siblings can graze on the leftovers. People tend to over-cater. Obviously some activities (nerf, trampolining) are not suitable for little ones but these tend to be more organised so you can leave them with the organisers and go and walk about with the little one at the venue if you need to stay.

I don't really get the point about siblings changing the atmosphere either. Maybe bigger children don't want little kids around, but this hasn't been an issue with the 4/5/6 year old parties we've attended so far - the kids don't seem to mind the babies and toddlers at all. And from 7+ obviously you'd hope that parents wouldn't usually need to stay.

The main thing the party hosts need to remember is to keep the party bags well out of reach so that each child gets a party bag shoved in their face as they're literally being pushed out the door - no chance for siblings to grab any if numbers are tight and the party hosts are spared having to deal with any tantrums!

Was this when your children were extremely small? So too young to drop off (maybe under 5/ 6 or so, so absolute tinies?)

Most of children’s “party lives” is when they’re older than that and can be dropped off to be fair.

With older children, I think it can be tricky. We once went to a 4yo's party where a 7/8yo sibling was making it unsafe for the little ones to use the bouncy castle. It depends on personality though. I've had a 9yo "helper" before who was lovely and I gave her £5 to hand some food out and play with the little ones. The mum had asked to drop both kids, which in retrospect was a bit cheeky but it worked out ok because they were both easy kids and the 9yo wanted to be my "grown-up" helper rather than join in the party games.

We used to do "child swaps"... so Tom's mum would take Tom and Jerry while Jerrys mum had Tom's older sister Anna with her own elder child Beth. Then the opposite way round the next time.

I think I have been quite lucky as usually with organised parties there have been some (paid for!) children who haven't turned up, so any accompanying siblings have been welcome to take their place, and with soft play parties, most other parents would just pay for the other child and buy them food separately. I used to get spare party bags also also just in case. Just to turn up and expect the host to accept another party guest though is out of order.

But in really, you get kids making a huge fuss about the need for a party bag for the sibling, and their parent either nowhere to be seen/ actively encouraging their children to “go and get another one for Sally”.

In reality, it’s always the uninvited sibling who has the enormous appetite as though they’ve never seen food before - and in places like soft play, then tend not to have “over catered” at all.

And relying on the idea that people have “over catered” is incredibly entitled - are they expected to have catered double, brought double the cake etc? In case everyone brought a sibling who “really won’t make much of a difference, it’s only one more!”

I agree - I am quite relaxed and would usually say to bring the siblings but I would expect at least to be asked in advance. I would be very unimpressed at siblings apart from babies just turning up.

I usually say something like this in the invite: "we can have X number of children at the venue and may be able to accommodate siblings once we've finalised numbers. Let me know if you'd like to bring any and I'll confirm closer to the party whether we'll have space or not".

I'm with you OP, and I'm British! Kids parties seem so uptight. We've always had them at home, people can come when they want to, if they want to, stay as long as they want. Buffet food, plenty of wine, kids can play in house or garden. never do party bags, such a waste of money and resources.

This is a great idea! We’re past the age where it’s needed but it’s a good idea.

We might have done it once or twice it think.

I did once or twice invite some known older siblings as “helpers” or a younger sibling I knew wouldn’t be a hassle or to help the parent out if I knew they were a single parent (they could obviously say no if they wanted 121 time with said sibling).

We’re past all that now though as I said.

As an aside, my mind always boggles when people refer to 7 yos as “older children” though- yes they’re older than 3/4 yo preschoolers but in the great scheme of things, those are very small children.

I'm just giving my experience - almost every party we've been at has had more than enough food, with lots of food wasted.

And hosts need to manage giving out the party bags better. Have them in a zipped bag, hand them out at the door, children only get them when they have shoes/coats on, and give them to party guests first. If siblings want one, they can wait until the end to see if there are spares. Kids may fuss but just ignore it.

I'm not saying it's ok to bring uninvited kids, more that it doesn't strike me as a huge issue in most cases. Of course people should ask!

I got charged for 2 siblings at soft play party that hadn't been invited. One parent turned up with an extra sibling, paid entrance, and then left without asking. I could hardly tell the child (age 6) they had to go elsewhere on their one while the party food was being eaten.

The other parent asked if sibling could come, paid for their entrance, but then sat their child at the party food table. I should have said something but they'd started eating by the time I arrived back from the toilet with another child.

By all means bring siblings but a) don't leave them unattended and b) take them elsewhere when the party food is being served.

I got their entrance fees back but had to pay full party cost for both.

Well that mother was clearly insane.

Sometimes I wonder if some parents actually expect to get their kids back safely at the end of the party.

I'm a second generation immigrant and I wouldn't let uninvited people cross the threshold, and neither would my parents.

Yes, people in this country are very rigid and most don't know how to have fun, kick back, and relax. It's all plan plan plan. There is no room spontaneity, unfortunately. You have to do as you're told 😅.

I mean, just look at the replies on this thread 😂

As I said, all the people that I know

Theres nothing wrong with bringing an extra child to a relaxed party as long as you're prepared for them not to have a party bag and don't take the piss with feeding them.

Obviously it's different it's a ticketed thing or there is limited space, whatever. But I'm with you op, I wish it were all a bit more relaxed and less reliant on times, tickets and trinkets for all.

I think it is a cultural thing. Plus, you know, weather. I grew up somewhere warm and kids' parties meant a picnic in the playground or a pool party in a large garden. Here in England the weather is shite, space is at a premium and paid-for party venue can cost a packet.

I had a bad experience with a piss-taking sibling/parent combo last year. I think once it happens to you you change tack sharpish.

So parties for us started when the kids were 5 and in first year of primary school. In the first two years around our way at least it was expected that as parents you hung around. So either dh asked if it was OK to drop off and then join the party when I got home or he declined. Basically age 5 or 6 we were expected to stay by 7 we could drop off.

I think it's cultural.

DH is from a Middle Eastern country where things are way more casual. Randoms will turn up at weddings, that sort of thing. It gets my British hackles up big time, but that's just how it is!

His idea of a kids party is an open house where anyone and everyone is welcome. We tried it for DD's 4th bday and it was actually fun and easy. Less stress about numbers and food. We just got loads of mini pizzas and chips, and did party games while the adults and baby siblings sat around.

Bringing an extra child isn’t just about food and party bag. It’s extra noise, extra child running around, extra general chaos. And the siblings are a different age from the guests so have different needs/behaviour which may not work well with the party. Guests age 7 sitting down watching magician, with siblings age 3/4 running about shouting and trying to grab the props - doesn’t work.

With a whole class party (which I usually did at ages 3-7 ish) then that’s already a LOT of kids and really is the limit of what the venue / entertainer / I can cope with. A party in the park would be different but sadly these are out for us as I have winter born kids.

I think a guest should ask if they can bring an extra child. We had a party once where a number of people just turned up with extra siblings. We had to pay per child so were faced with a bill for kids we didn't know or invite plus there was insufficient food and not enough party bags. I thought it was really rude not least because one of the uninvited kids started on all the food (which was covered up pending the invited children finishing the activity we had booked).

If I had been asked I would probably have said no on that occasion but for more informal parties we had - gatherings in a local hall etc - then it would have been fine.