DD doesn't want to get rid of any of her stuff!

[gaffatape]

Does anyone else have this? DD (9) so so upset at the thought of getting rid of the car seat she's totally grown out of ("me and that car seat have been through so much together!") that I've had to agree to it temporarily being a chair in her room! She won't part with the toy kitchen she got when she was two or the ikea table she first sat at as a toddler. I know I'm coming across as quite heartless but we live in an extremely compact 2 bed flat with no storage so the stuff just keeps building up and up... anyone else had a similar experience / any advice?

Tell her she can't get anything new until old stuff goes.
(My 16 year old is a hoarder and I wish I had tried this)

Tell her it needs to go and remove it? You are the parent. Not sure what's difficult about it!

Is she generally anxious. My dd is like this and it’s linked to anxiety. Have you got an attic? I find if I put things in the attic for a while it breaks the ‘bond’ and is easier to get rid of. The other thing is no new things until old things have gone.
Or you could try taking a photo of her in the chair to ‘remind’ her.

I have a hoarder DD, she finds it easier to let go if there is a person in mind to give it to. When she was little, it was "the babies", now its her younger cousins/ friends siblings.

She's a nightmare with toys and clothes but now she doesn't get anything new until we have a clear out of old stuff. We have a spring clean before her birthday/ xmas.

Clothes I go through twice a year before a big shopping trip. I can usually clear 2 bin bags of old clothes at a time, she gets a lot of hand me downs from her sister.

Rent her a storage unit for a a year as her/one of her birthday/Christmas present, every year ask her if she wants to keep the storage unit or give it up and get a/an extra present.

Mine is similar. Also 9 years old, but has always been very sentimental. The reality is that we just cannot keep everything, and it's not great to let things build up in our home when others could be using them. I usually just get rid of things without even mentioning it (like "oh, this is your new car seat, seeing as you've outgrown your other one", and the other one just goes out without any discussion), or if I know it's something she may be funny about (baby toys etc), I put them in the loft for a while, then once they're out of mind, they go to the charity shop without her seeing.

She's actually better at getting rid of things if she can be the one to pass them on to someone we know with a younger child - like if I say to her "you could see if Emmy wants that little chair, as we don't have space for it now, and she's just the right size for it", so she has control over the "getting rid".

It's tricky, and I don't really understand it as I'm a very good declutter-er, and I hate having things lying around that are in excess of what we need, but she can't realistically keep everything, so one way or another she needs to learn a way to let them go. All power to you though - it's not fun for parents! But as PP says, we are the parents, and the stuff has to go. Best if the habits can be broken before they become hoarding adults...

When we redecorated our house I took everything out of both kids rooms and boxed it up. They loved their new clutter free rooms so hardly wanted anything back and I could chuck loads out. So you could try that. When the question is 'do you want this' rather than 'do you want to get rid of this' it's a bit easier

When clearing out clothes, if there's numerous items, say 8 hoodies. I tell her to pick her favourite 5 and let go of 3. I let her know if she can't choose, I'll choose for her, (she always picks). Once the 3 are in the bin bag, we move straight onto the next items.

DH is brutal with clearing out and will happily fling anything he considers excess/ tat. She knows if I don't help her reduce items, DH will and she'll have no control over that.

She can make choices about what to get rid of and what to keep, but you have to be in charge of how much. Get a crate and tell her she has to fill it every month. If a large item comes in, ask her to choose which equivalent thing will be leaving.

I don't think you're being heartless, I think you're being far too soft!

Has she had some trauma that would explain why she's so attached to her baby stuff?

Normally at that age they can't wait to get rid of baby stuff. Is she feeling the pressure of growing up, maybe? Are other girls at school talking about make-up/boys/puberty and she's scared? Do you associate extra pressure/responsibility with age, so she's not wanting to grow up any more than she has?

Does she believe in Santa? My 2 pack up everything they don't use and leave it under the Christmas tree. The elves get it at the beginning of Christmas when the tree first goes up and fix it up for the kids with no toys.

Just get rid …..she’s 9 ….she’s old enough to understand that you can’t keep everything as you don’t have the space…..buy her something new to placate her ( something small though !)

That is lovely. I wish I’d thought of that years ago. My children all have hoarders tendencies tbh I don’t ask I just clear stuff out when they aren’t around as otherwise I’d have drawers of tiny clothes and broken toys. If I do ask it’s always nooo for stuff they never use or play with so off it goes into a box or shed if no one asks for a month or two it’s quietly donated or tipped.

Maybe she could take photos to remember the things instead. Or do funny comparison photos so she has a version of herself as a baby using the things and her as a big girl who doesn't need those things (and looks silly/funny in them when she sees herself).

God my son is like this. And my parents are massive hoarders so I'm afraid it may be genetic, and then on here people who are hoarders always say it is because their parents cruelly got rid of their stuff when they were children, so I don't want to make him worse but...stuff needs to be go!

My ds was like this. I told him if I take (whatever it was) to a charity shop, another child who would otherwise go without would really benefit from it. Seemed to work.

It could just be she likes holding on to things or it could potentially be linked to anxiety or feeling worried about growing up and letting go of things she associates with being younger. Do you think anything like that could be going on?

I think it's important to get her into good habits now, so it doesn't become a problem later. I had a difficult childhood in many ways, and growing up I really struggled to let go of possessions. Even fairly meaningless or worthless things
They gave a sense of security and permanence that I needed and wasn't getting elsewhere and reminded me of the ' better times'. It's something I've had to address myself as an adult.

I agree with others that photos of things, scraps of material from a favourite old dress etc etc can help. Also the one in one out idea will soon focus a child's mind. Christmas is coming up..!

But I would take time to explore if she's worried or anxious about things, or if she's struggling with change.

No new things until old things are gone - just commented on the Housekeeping thread that operating a one in one out method is something I wish I'd implemented years ago!

Could you maybe get a scrap book and take photos of all the 'things' she loves but doesn't need/play with etc. and put them all in there?

My DD is like this. I just don't tell her something is going otherwise it will always be a no. She barely notices once it's gone.

I think I'd gently help her choose what needs to go and start on easier things and practice with easy choices. Don't just throw stuff out without her knowing as she isn't learning that skill. My dd doesn't like trying on older clothes so I make little pikes for her to try on and leave them on her bed. If she doesn't try them on and take out what still fits the pile goes. Do there's choice, but the choice isn't "let's keep it all". My dd doesn't want to grow up at 10.

. @harrumphh suggested photos in her post and I agree.

A dedicated photo album was our solution. toys, art work, models built at school, everything we didn’t have space to keep forever went into the personalised memory book we did together.

If it hadn’t been for that I think we’d have drowned in stuff!

My DD was like this and also had anxiety. Taking photos helped as did giving her time to get used to the idea of things going and she also found it easier if it was going to someone we knew or a charity shop. She's 24 now and still remembers how hard it was letting things go (still struggles now!).
Whilst we know it's linked to her anxiety I do wonder if watching Toy Story didn't help, with the whole 'abandoned toys looking for their original owners and feeling unloved'!!

DH sounds a bit of a bully.

What's difficult about it? Clearly you do not have a neurodivergent or anxious child!

We got rid of a DC's ride on toy that they barely used when age appropriate and hadn't touched in a couple of years. Unfortunately they realised and saw us giving it away. They were traumatised.

That was almost 2 years ago. We had regular meltdowns about it for more than 6 months. We still get upset moments over it now.

I'd rather have clutter than 6 months of meltdowns.

Yes the photos definitely help here too. But can sometimes trigger a meltdown on a bad day... It's a balancing act.