To not want DH to post my messages to him online

[Sweetlikechoco89]

DH has joined a forum for one of his interests. We had a heated argument, i stormed out and we ended up having a text war. I found out he was putting my messages word for word in this forum.

I am annoyed because that to me was crossing a boundary but he was says he was just gathering opinions. That message was for him not an online community, I dont care if its anonymous, its a line crossed, AIBU?

Why on earth would anyone heat pasta water from cold??

havent read all the posts but no you thick people, this post is NOT the same as what as he’s done. OP hasn’t posted word for word.

Bloody hell you’re almost tripping over each other with glee to stab the knife in aren’t you

DH posts on an anonymous forum, OP posts on anonymous forum. Exactly the same yes. If there was detail in OPs messages or DHs messages, absolutely no one would go oh hey Jane is that you? So yeah, exactly in my eyes. And yes I understand what it means thanks.

YABU

As long as it’s not identifying then it’s fine.

You are saying exactly what happened to you and your DP, it may not be word for word but it’s just as identifying.

It seems that you didn’t like the responses he got to your messages and they were in support of him, so you’re trying to act offended.

Yes this exactly.
Do the other member of @Sweetlikechoco89 husband know her or likely to meet her.
She's anonymous on MN.

Yanbu

Not only are they both anonymous forums, but they are also texts between just the two of them! Not like this is a group text type thing where a third party might recognise it.

She is not copying his messages here is she? She is asking for advice about the situation which he can do but to screenshot or copy your spouses messages to a public forum is just a ridiculously stupid and disrespectful thing to do.

Thank you, and I see both sides but this really hits the nail on the head for me. Consider this closed.

It happens literally every day on Mumsnet, and no one bats an eyelid - surely you know this happens?

Honestly it wouldn't bother me!

The most concerning thing is you have had an argument and for both of you your first thought is to post it online! Maybe try talking to each other instead?!

Personally I don't think there's anything wrong with what DH did here.

Surely people are allowed an outlet to vent their frustrations following an argument? Usually we confide in close friends or family when our DP annoy us. However, often that skews our friends/family opinion of DP. and we end up regretting it when the dust settles.

Surely an anonymous forum allows us to vent/see a different perspetive without airing our dirty laundry in public?

Unless he divulged a secret or info that would make OP easily identifiable I also don't think you can control the words he chooses. If it's verbatum it's factual and not like he's lied or exagerrated, so again can't see how OP can complain.

Can I ask a question instead of bashing you like many have , when he posted your texts to him did he also post his texts /replies ?

yes. There is a big difference to what he did . I’d be pissed off too .

Why can't anyone see this!?

I think YABU.

I hear you. You're not being unreasonable. I have a good friend who is married and her husband screenshots all the lovey dovey messages and anything else that he finds interesting to share and he posts them on Facebook as he thinks it's a flex showing off that his wife messages him. My friend is embarrassed by it, she hates it. And I don't know why everyone here is giving you a hard time because you're posting here but you're not posting his messages. However, if he's posting anonymously then it's not too bad but it would still bother me very much as it's just weird.

Nothing better than a good old face-to-face disagreement (row). Nothing on text, nothing to post for either if you. Also, no evidence to refer back to when one of you says "I told you so...."

Where has the OP poster his rhe messages between them word for word? Completely different. I'm not sure why you think what the OP and her DH have done is remotely similar?

People saying it goes both ways are wrong. OP hasn't revealed anything other than the scenario. He literally exposed their private messages???

The bigger issue is the “text war”. Have you both tried sitting down together and having a normal chat?

How anonymous is the forum your oh is using? Are these people he will be meeting up with and getting to know?

My ex did this on a fan forum and I found it really uncomfortable. Hundreds of people were reading stuff about me, forming negative opinions about me and then often eventually meeting me. I wouldn't have minded a more balanced view but it was all negative based upon our differing views about how much money it was fair to spend on the hobby in question. I honestly got sick of ex saying things like 'everyone on X forum thinks you're controlling because [e.g. I didn't agree to him spending money we didn't have on more of his hobby stuff]. It was a very misogynistic group.

Our words and language use are quite personal things, posting the exact messages, I can completely understand, could feel quite invasive, especially from a person you trust. This is a personal conversation between you, fine to seek support from your community but posting the exact messages is personal.

Big difference from posting a scenario or situation that has occurred, in your own words.

Just say you're happy for him to seek support from forums and community spaces but to respect your relationship and not screenshot and post direct messages.

The question is too broad, I think.

Is it reasonable for him to vent anonymously? Sure. Is it reasonable for him to post your private correspondence publicly, amongst people he will probably develop relationships with, if he hasn't already, that may well lead to IRL connections? No. Obviously not.

My husband is attached to a huge hobby community online and has met up with some of those people plenty of times. They're Facebook friends. They video call semi regularly. I absolutely love that he has that network, but if he was sharing messages I'd sent to him during an argument with that group, I'd be pretty hurt.

Because the only reason he's posted them is to obtain confirmation bias. If you want actual advice on how to improve your relationship, you don't go to a group of men connected only by a random hobby. That's like rocking up at the local fishpond and asking the fisherman there to weigh in on your marital difficulties. Bizarre behaviour.

You’re doing exactly the same 😂