To not want DH to post my messages to him online

[Sweetlikechoco89]

DH has joined a forum for one of his interests. We had a heated argument, i stormed out and we ended up having a text war. I found out he was putting my messages word for word in this forum.

I am annoyed because that to me was crossing a boundary but he was says he was just gathering opinions. That message was for him not an online community, I dont care if its anonymous, its a line crossed, AIBU?

Blimey, unless his hobby is 'analysing other people's arguments', then surely absolutely everyone else in this group was cringing themselves inside out? Why on earth would they care about an argument someone was having with their wife?

At least MN is partially for just such matters.

What did you enjoy?

You're not being unreasonable at all, and a lot of people on this thread don't seem to understand what you originally wrote.

Or maybe you are really thick to think she is not doing the same?

She isn't doing the same, because she hasn't posted his actual messages.

Can you explain how a general question with no specifics is the same as verbatim messages? Obviously I must be thick as I can't see the similarity

How is op doing the same?

Yes-he is posting to his hobby cronies and she is posting to an anonymous forum.
Obviously most mners don’t know what a hobby forum is.
My DH is on one -it’s an unusual hobby, international but there are pics of them taking part in hobby-occasionally others/family in the background. Nasty to post angry fall out txts on there for sympathy from other male hobbyists. Not nice.

Unless there's identifiable information in these verbatim messages, kid's names, locations, pets, unique details like one of you being a pegged-legged, cross-dressing Mongolian albino... I don't see the difference.
(Sorry if any of these are non-PC terms!)

Realistically, if he's told anyone 'my wife found out I was posting our conversations online", that person could put 2+2 together with this thread on MN.

The other thing (which people will no doubt disagree with), is that men don't really talk about their problems with friends or family. They tend not to have as an extensive social network as women. If you've ever mentioned to any of your female friends arguments you've had, issues, peeves, etc, you've effectively done exactly the same thing, in an arguably worse way, as these people will know him.

I think it depends on the topic.

If it was a special interest forum on cooking and he'd posted my messages about how I believe you should boil the kettle for pasta and NOT heat from cold on the hob like he does, he can post them all he wants (and I will die on that hill no matter what anyone else online says).

If it was a special interest forum on neurotic girlfriends or weird sex talk and he'd posted my messages word for word, I'd be mad.

I think the bigger issue here is that you're having a "text war" with your husband instead of talking about things like a team. You both going off to consult various web forums is a symptom of this disconnect.

So when one person steals a pearl necklace and another steals a diamond ring, is there a difference?

Both are thieves.

You're still bitching about your dh online, he's done the same, so unless your dh has posted "my wife, Doris, who lives at 52 red road just sent me this text message.... what do you think?" I can't see a difference.

This other forum is also anonymous and quite frankly, I bet no one really cares enough to find out who you actually are, so yes, I think you are massively overreacting and probably because some of those people agreed with your DH.

For the love of God the pair of you need to have an adult conversation about your relationship and stop consulting online forums!

Save yourself an enormous amount of wasted time and get divorced now.

I’d be upset too, op. (I don’t think you posting on here is equivalent but I also don’t think it’s a million miles away.)

I know a forum like this can be handy for people going through a break up but I generally find it baffling and cringeworthy when people wash their dirty linen in public about a current partner. Why would anyone want to know what a bunch of strangers think and place more weight on that than on their own partner? It’s no way to live. Trust your own judgment and tell your partner to do the same.

I agree with this. There is a big difference.

I don’t think it’s a bad thing to vent on an anonymous forum about your other half. Sometimes you can’t do it to people in real life for various reasons and at least you won’t be gossiped about. But posting the actual screenshots would piss me off.

Have you seen the thread OP?

What's the context of him posting the messages?

If it's "my wife said this, isn't she stupid" then obviously it's not okay

You're pretty much doing the same thing, getting strangers involved in your fights. If you do it, I think he can do it.

Exactly what you've done here. Doesn't matter if it was word for word, its anonymous.

PP are being obtuse.

Exact messages vs posting about a general conversation are completely different.

OP, I would see that as a breach of trust.

He can talk to friends about situations, but sharing exact messages is too far.

Exactly?! Do you understand what exactly means?!

This is different as the op has not posted complete messages he has sent. I would be very unhappy if my dh had done this to me. Especially as it seems he did it 'real time' I am assuming to get good come backs he can use with the OP. Not okay.

People are taking a cheap shot and missing. There's a big difference between posting messages word for word and saying what happened in vague outlines. YANBU. He shouldn't have done that. Fine to summarise but not to reveal what was actually said in a private message. I don't agree with that. That said, I think you should be talking not conducting your disagreements through respective online forums

I'd be annoyed, but then I do the same sort of thing here.

Venting about your husband being a dickhead for whatever reason, on an anonymous forum - even if I use the exact words he used - even if I post screenshots of his texts - isn't going to out us and cause embarrassment other than if people disagree with me and not him. Which they won't because I'm always right.

I can understand why you'd be annoyed. I would be too. Just not annoyed enough to do or say anything about it.

YANBU. Is this the first time he's done it?

And yet here you are posting about him posting about your argument…