To want my husband to take up a martial art to develop his confidence?

[fleeceyjumper]

Basically my husband is a very timid, anxious, scared person. He was bullied as a child. If he sees a group of teenage boys walking towards him, for example, he will want to cross the road. They are not doing anything other than being your average somewhat rowdy teenage boys.

This has come more to a head lately because I come from a minority ethnicity, and lately there have been local news reports of people of my ethnicity being racially abused. I feel like if push came to shove, I would not be able to rely on him at all to back me up. I don’t say this as a sexist thing, like as in a man-up thing, I think we should feel like we have each other’s backs. But I know I can’t rely on him if I needed it. I don’t expect him to start throwing down or anything like that, but just to not be so timid and frightened all of the time. I’m only 155cm meanwhile he’s 180cm and muscley, yet when we go out it’s me who is making him feel safe rather than me feeling safer with him with me. It’s stressful for me.

I want him to do something to build his confidence so that he is not so afraid, and I thought a martial art would help him. Would I be unreasonable to try to get him to do this? I’m willing to go with him to support him. Do you think this would help him?

The first rule of learning martial arts is that you are told not to use them out of the learning environment. I think you both need some sort of counselling. My DH is a large chap but he has never hit anyone in his life and would be unlikely to do so even to protect me.

Why is it his job to protect you? Especially as he isn't that guy, and you knew that when you married him. Yoyre changing the goal posts, putting him under high pressure, frankly horrible and misandristic to now require him to beef up and stand up to your bullies just because he's the man. YABU.

Him doing martial arts isn't going to be the magic bullet to change his character.

How would you like it if he decided you weren't feminine enough, that you needed to dress up, wear more make up, make sure all his meals were done as he walked in the door and do all the housework like a proper wife should?

How about you both go on a self defence course? Either separately or together. I say this as around here the self defence courses aimed at women don’t accept men. Then if he enjoys it he may wish to take up a martial art but depending on the martial art they have a varying degree of usefulness in a real fight.

I said specifically: ‘I don’t say this as a sexist thing, like as in a man-up thing, I think we should feel like we have each other’s backs.’ Not sure how you translated that into me putting everything on him.

Thank you, I didn’t know this. I assumed in a self defence situation you could use it to protect yourself. The one I was looking at said this:

’With its focus on responding to an attacker, rather than being the attacker, Aikido is a great martial art to learn for self defence’. If you can’t use it outside of the dojo, then how is it any good for self defence?

I think it's a good idea.

As others have said, you could learn too. It could turn into a shared interest/hobby for both of you.

I don't think the OP is saying she wants her partner to protect her or beat people up
(!)

She's saying she wants his confidence to improve. That doesn't always involve a personality transplant. People can grow and change for the better.

This is ridiculous. I am from a minority ethnicity too and have been racially abused. In such a situation I want my husband to help me get away as soon as possible, not escalate the situation by getting into fisticuffs.

Thanks I think you’re right that we should do this together, I want to support him to build his confidence so that he isn’t afraid to such a degree.

I think you should accept him as he is. There are more ways to love someone than coming on all macho.

I said here specifically that I don’t expect him to start throwing punches:

’I don’t expect him to start throwing down or anything like that, but just to not be so timid and frightened all of the time.’

Both of you could attend Foundation self defence classes like krav maga. A lot of it is teaching you to walk away with confidence from a situation

I think it's a really bad idea and he'd be better off getting therapy and working on his self esteem.

It would take years for him to become competent and the best thing to do is get away, not try to fight someone who might have a knife.

Even if he wants to cross the road to avoid teenage boys just minding their own business? I feel like this is not just being un macho, it’s not healthy.

Yes this sounds great, I ultimately want to help him build confidence.

I cross the road to avoid loud drunk teen boys if it's late. Why are you so obsessed with that?

’With its focus on responding to an attacker, rather than being the attacker, Aikido is a great martial art to learn for self defence’. If you can’t use it outside of the dojo, then how is it any good for self defence?

I used to learn aikido. Of course you can use it for self defense. But that's not what you want. You want him to use it to protect you! That's very different.

Absolutely recommend he learns aikido, but you should be there too.

Why are you embellishing things to prove your point?

My whole family learnt martial arts when my kids were teens.

There was a very strong focus on the idea that you are training your body and your mind and that is good for you.

However our teacher, and many of the other teachers we met over the years were very clear:

If you are in a dangerous situation the safest thing you can do is get out of it. Run away. Leave.

Do not use your martial art - just get out as quickly and safely as you can.

The ONLY circumstances where they suggested it would be useful were if you literally could not leave. And even then you ideally use as little violence as possible,

Getting your husband to train in a martial art will not fix his anxiety and it certainly won't make him more likely to back you up in a violent situation.

Both my husband and my son trained up to black belt level. I don't feel any safer walking around with them than I do with other people.

If anything I'm better at dealing with those kind of situations because I was a teacher for 20 years and I'm quite good at de-escalating situstions. However that also means I'm good at recognising at when it's time to leave

That’s a good point, maybe both things concurrently could be good, for both of us.

Do you suggest to all your friends they should take up martial arts before you go on a night out with them, or a shopping trip into town?

You married 'a very timid, anxious, scared person', so it's a bit off to try and change him now.

You could (if you really must) suggest it once, maybe as a way to keep fit but then leave it completely if he says no.

What I really want is us to feel like we’re protecting each other. I’m quite feisty so he feels safe with me because I’ll back us up, but I want to feel backed up as well. I don’t want him to start fights, I don’t even want to get into a fight. I thought it would help his confidence. And thank you for your input, I will join as well.

What you're saying and what you're saying is contradictory. You're not saying you want him to man up but you don't want him timid and frightened all the time.

You're not saying you want him to lay down fists or anything but you want him to have your back.

Seeing potential issues before they arise and being able to avoid conflict situations is going to be far more useful to you than him going to martial arts. The fact he does cross the road is better for you than him standing there yelling "come at me bro".

Thank you for your experience, perhaps I’m expecting too much from a martial art and it would be good for the other reasons you listed.

I agree with you, my aim is not to make him feel badly about himself.

How do you know you did well in a fight?

You walk away unharmed.