To want my husband to take up a martial art to develop his confidence?

[fleeceyjumper]

Basically my husband is a very timid, anxious, scared person. He was bullied as a child. If he sees a group of teenage boys walking towards him, for example, he will want to cross the road. They are not doing anything other than being your average somewhat rowdy teenage boys.

This has come more to a head lately because I come from a minority ethnicity, and lately there have been local news reports of people of my ethnicity being racially abused. I feel like if push came to shove, I would not be able to rely on him at all to back me up. I don’t say this as a sexist thing, like as in a man-up thing, I think we should feel like we have each other’s backs. But I know I can’t rely on him if I needed it. I don’t expect him to start throwing down or anything like that, but just to not be so timid and frightened all of the time. I’m only 155cm meanwhile he’s 180cm and muscley, yet when we go out it’s me who is making him feel safe rather than me feeling safer with him with me. It’s stressful for me.

I want him to do something to build his confidence so that he is not so afraid, and I thought a martial art would help him. Would I be unreasonable to try to get him to do this? I’m willing to go with him to support him. Do you think this would help him?

Your poor DH. I hope he doesn't see your opening post on this thread. If he was bullied at school by boys who were roughly the same age as the teenage boys he now crosses the road to avoid, that makes perfect sense and highlights just how deeply bullying impacts victims, often for years to come.
Suggestions for self-defence classes are spot on. De-escalation is where it's at. DP is a lifelong martial artist, previously competing, now teaching; brawny and mean-looking, but by his own admission the softest wimp who, like your DH, really avoids anything street with the merest hint of aggression if at all possible. On the one occasion he was forced to intervene in a dangerous situation, it wasn't his martial arts experience that informed his actions but rather de-escalation techniques from a programme of self-defence training he'd undertaken for CPD. Sure, he might have been able to beat the crap out of the aggressor, but as it turns out he carried a blade, DP is very glad he was only concerned with finding a way to walk away.

I'm sorry you're feeling potentially threatened at this time. Racist violence and threatening behaviour is abhorrent.

But sadly he won't be able to 'back you up' against someone with a knife or worse. Or mob handed.

If something bad happens you run away, not start engaging in karate or whatever.

You can't expect someone to be able to be a physical bodyguard to you just because they're your partner/the opposite sex.

He could end up seriously hurt.

If you really do want to get into self defence classes then it should be both of you doing them.

But the best self defence is ignore the person, don't engage, and run if you are feeling like you are in danger. And call police.

An ex cop turned self defence instructor came to my high school when I was 16 and spoke to the girls specifically about self defence. It was if someone was trying to grab you or sexually assault you. Best strategy, get away, if you can get away always do that. If you can't do that you need enough noise or do enough damage to get away. Attackers dont like attention. He actually said screaming fire can be useful, people will come to watch a fire, but many will go the other way if it sounds like someone's being attacked. Self defence courses are more specific and quite different. Things like slamming your heel down on the inside of the foot, breaking their nose with a headbut, clawing their face hard enough to draw blood. Incapacitate them briefly so you.can run.

My DH is like this. He has a generalused anxiety disorder. He is currently undertaking therapy and has been put on anti anxiety meds for it as it has escalated. By all means try martial arts but more for distraction and confidence building, but if the anxiety is affecting his everyday life then he needs a doctor not a martial arts instructor

From your update I do think he needs therapy or meds in addition to the martial arts. No worries about being short!

My husband is a martial artist. He has been doing martial arts since he was 14-now 59.
He is definitely the kind of man who would step in front of me, or my children if someone was kicking off.
The only pointing would make though is you can't MAKE someone do martial arts. It has to be their choice, maybe if you decide to take classes together, it will appeal to him, but if he doesn't want to do it..even if he only goes to make you happy he won't actually take any of it in.
Over the last 22 years of marriage, my husband has tried to get me interested in various forms of martial arts and they are just not my cup of tea.
I see the benefits that HE gets, it calms his brain, exercises his body, and gives him a way to work out the stresses of the week...but it just doesn't do it for me!

Martial arts are pretty useless outside of their chosen arena. They are a sport, designed for competing against fellow sports people following the same set of rules.

Whilst this is patently untrue, what is true is that there are many, many 'McDojos' out there, who will take your money, grade you to black belt within a couple of years, and teach you nothing of any use whatsoever.

True martial arts developed over hundreds of years as a means of self-defence.

Using karate as an example- if you walk into a club and they tell you they practice 'non-contact', and that you are NEVER allowed to make any sort of contact during sparring, you should leave. They will be one of the clubs who is there purely to make money and any karate you learn will be performance karate.

Look for a club with the true martial arts values.

He's an adult, you talk about him like he's your primary-aged child.

Indeed.

You can’t protect him, why does he think that? A man will overpower you. Men also react differently to a feisty man than a woman , he runs a risk of getting punched. He needs counselling to get him past the bullying and make him comfortable in his own skin.