To want my husband to take up a martial art to develop his confidence?

[fleeceyjumper]

Basically my husband is a very timid, anxious, scared person. He was bullied as a child. If he sees a group of teenage boys walking towards him, for example, he will want to cross the road. They are not doing anything other than being your average somewhat rowdy teenage boys.

This has come more to a head lately because I come from a minority ethnicity, and lately there have been local news reports of people of my ethnicity being racially abused. I feel like if push came to shove, I would not be able to rely on him at all to back me up. I don’t say this as a sexist thing, like as in a man-up thing, I think we should feel like we have each other’s backs. But I know I can’t rely on him if I needed it. I don’t expect him to start throwing down or anything like that, but just to not be so timid and frightened all of the time. I’m only 155cm meanwhile he’s 180cm and muscley, yet when we go out it’s me who is making him feel safe rather than me feeling safer with him with me. It’s stressful for me.

I want him to do something to build his confidence so that he is not so afraid, and I thought a martial art would help him. Would I be unreasonable to try to get him to do this? I’m willing to go with him to support him. Do you think this would help him?

I can see what you’re saying. I appreciate the points of view I’m getting here, thank you.

I’m quite feisty so he feels safe with me because I’ll back us up

Well he shouldn't do.

I live in a very rough part of East London and it's nearly always the 'feisty' ones who get stabbed.

Or worse still, get their husbands or boyfriends stabbed.

The best thing to do is to say as little as possible and get away as quickly as possible.

I am not. But you seem v keen to say that crossing the road to avoid teen boys is not normal.
There are many ways for minorities to be confident. Where I am in SE London it would be foolish to be feisty. Best hand it over.
My DS is a six foot tall confident and muscular lad. He knows to walk away.

What is he doing apart from crossing the road when a group of teen boys approaches?

All I said was: They are not doing anything other than being your average somewhat rowdy teenage boys.

But you embellished and added in ‘I cross the road to avoid loud drunk teen boys if it's late. Why are you so obsessed with that?’

Where did I say they are drunk, loud, or that this is even at night. And because I gave an example, that is being ‘obsessed?’ Ok then 🙄 Classic AIBU poster, not reading the OP and embellishing to prove your point. Happens all of the time.

Anyways other PPs have been actually helpful so I’m thankful to them and can ignore this type.

I'm a karate instructor.

The number one piece of self-defence I teach is to get away. Run, walk, skip- doesn't matter how you do it, just get away.

After that I teach people to recognise potential danger, and how to de-escalate a situation.

Your martial art, whatever its form, is the last thing you should use. But you absolutely can use it out of the dojo, if necessary.

It can help self-confidence. It will almost certainly improve your fitness (enabling you to run faster).

I've been training for twenty years and I would absolutely cross the road if I felt unsafe.

That being said, if your husband wants to give martial arts a go, have a look around and see what kind he fancies. A lot of clubs offer a free first class. And join with him.

Can you give another example of how he is timid and frightened? That would be helpful. I am not the only one to ask this.

So basically you are telling a man, whi has struggled hugely to stand up for himself in childhood, that he needs to stand up for you now?

I think that could do further damage to his self esteem. You are telling him he's not good enough for you as he is. Thread carefully.

I think a martial arts instructor is much more likely to encourage him to cross the road than to encourage him to use his newly acquired skills. He's doing the right thing already by trying to avoid any potential danger, that should make you feel a lot safer than if he were strutting around convinced he can defend himself because he's had a few karate lessons.

I think both of you taking up Aikido or whatever to build confidence and lessen fear is great.

But I would still cross the road to stay away from teen boys and other rowdy groups. People have been stabbed to death for just looking wrong or brushing accidentally against a teen knife carrier who thinks he is one of the Kray brothers.

The #1 rule of self defence in a confrontation is Avoid, avoid, avoid, don’t put yourself in a situation that could lead to a confrontation. Your DH is following this rule by giving rowdy groups of teen boys a wide berth.

But yeah some lessons to learn how to protect and escape if rule #1 fails would probably make you and him less fearful. I know you’re saying he is the timid one, but it seems like this is playing across your mind a lot too.

He needs therapy.

It take years of skill discipline and training to be good at Martial arts. Even then there is no stopping a heavy right hook or a gang of teenagers.

Thank you! That’s really helpful hearing from someone in the know. I have the wrong idea certainly about martial arts. I think being more aware of danger, how to de-escalate, that running away is not being cowardly, and as a last resort, having some level of skill to defend would be valuable for self confidence. And I will join with him, thank you. Can we spar against each other as practice?

I know you’re saying he is the timid one, but it seems like this is playing across your mind a lot too.

You’re right, it’s the recent rise in racial abuse that has me feeling like this. I mean it’s always been around but lately it’s been more heightened.

And I will reevaluate my thinking about things, I appreciate the advice and perspectives. I can see ways I’ve been thinking about this wrongly.

To be realistically able to use it effectively for defending you or himself he would need to train for years, unless he really took to it at best it would not be effective and at worst put him in a position that he could have the confidence but he wouldn't be able to execute it well enough.
As a general confidence builder, it is great though.

As a general confidence builder, it is great though.

This is how I’m going to approach it. I actually talked with him just now and asked him what he thought about us trying it together and he’s a bit nervous but is game. The dojo near us is open to visitors observing and even giving it a go so we’ll do that.

Do you like it when people "suggest" you take up things that you have no interest in, but that they think would make you a "better" person?

🙄 Do you live your life looking for ways to be outraged on behalf of others? As I literally just wrote but which you apparently ignored, he is game to try it but thanks for your faux concern for him.

Tbh a lot. It affects his life in many, many ways. His sleep is affected, his work is affected, driving is another source of fear, it’s very widespread. I can see now how I was misguided in my view of a martial art as defence, but I also see how it would nonetheless help his confidence generally speaking. Anyway sorry for my short response to you earlier 🙏

Anyways I’ve had helpful responses and this is now resolved, I don’t need to hear from anymore keyboard warriors such as certain pirate robots 🙄 Thanks for the helpful responses and experience from people who do martial arts.

My children do a martial art - Kuk Sool Won - my daughter (10) should get her black belt next year, if all goes well, after 4 years of training. My #1 reason for signing her up originally was self-confidence, followed by discipline, respect, flexibility, balance and coordination. Self-defence wasn’t even on my radar!

Absolutely sign up for classes, but don’t expect to actually use it in self-defence - for a start it will take a few years of training before you’re actually any good!

Martial arts would probably help to build up his self-confidence a bit. OBVIOUSLY he isn't going to turn into Chuck Norris, but knowing that you could defend yourself if you absolutely had to is a good thing.

I used to do krav maga. I was rubbish at it, but I loved doing it.

I'm a large guy, but I'm now 55. Because of where I grew up I have been involved in lots of violent situations, plus going to football in the 80s and 90s. I was brought up to have a sixth sense about violence and I know actively avoid situations where I could potentially be in a violent scenario. That doesn't make me any less of a man.

You seem to think that your husband needs to stick for for you and perhaps if someone attacks you he should. But if it is a verbal attack, disgusting as that may be, the best course of action is to ignore it and when safe report to the police.
I know you would be upset to be racially abused and I'm sure your husband would be too...but I had a friend who got into an argument about an £8 yes £8 drug deal in the 1980s and he was murdered.

Can we spar against each other as practice?

I know you've said you've had enough of this thread OP, and that's fair enough, but I really, really wouldn't recommend sparring against each other outside of the dojo until you've had at least a years' training (or maybe two)

I don't want to be insulting, but every newbie/lower grade student goes through a phase of thinking that a few classes have given them greater skills than they actually possess. And if a couple spars, without the watchful eye of the instructor, feelings as well as noses/limbs etc get hurt.

He is a gentle-man - it is who he is - it is who you married and the person who fathers your children.

My late OH would go out of his way to avoid conflict - I did not see that as timid, but rather as pragmatic and sensible. I loved him for who he was.

You want him to be a protector for you; but that is not his style. I am sure there are many other ways in which he supports you.

You cannot make him someone he is not; and it would be unacceptable to try and mould him to your wishes. He will quite rightly see your attempts to get him to martial arts classes as manipulation and as a criticism of who he really is.

I know what my OH would have said if I had tried to get him to do this!

You need to see a therapist, good grief poor man