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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DSs dad took him on the back of his motorbike without my consent

94 replies

motorbikemadness · 23/09/2024 08:37

DH has several motorbikes. I hate them and have always made it very clear that I don't want our children anywhere near them. I've just been away for the weekend & came back to be told by our DS age 9 that he and his dad have a secret. After much cajoling turns out the secret was that DH has been driving DS around on his mororbike all weekend (on busy roads with speed limits of 40mph, which DH never obeys). I am absolutely furious.

DH is being an absolute twat and has said that he doesn't see what the problem is, and of course DS thinks its all great fun and so I'm in the wrong for kicking up a fuss about this. Having Googled the legalities of this, it would seem that travelling with a child on a motorbike is legal (and, unbelievably, there's no minimum age) but only with parental consent. I do not give consent, but obviously DH does.

Do I have any power to stop this happening again in future? My worry is that if DH doesn't see this as an issue and won't listen to reason, he can legally take our son onto motorways on the back of his bike as long as he gives consent.

OP posts:

Flatandhappy · 23/09/2024 08:40

I am not voting as it is not unreasonable to be furious, I would be too - both the taking a child on a bike and by trying to make your son keep it a secret - but your DH has every legal right to make the decision to take his son on his bike, he doesn’t need your permission to do so. Sorry.

Tapestree · 23/09/2024 08:43

I have a motorcyclist DP and I would go nuts. It's so unsafe. Even if your DH is a great motorcyclist, he and your DC is at the mercy of other drivers, and we all know how many of those are completely reckless. And on a bike, there is no protection should they have an accident.
Furious on your behalf!

Lazzylegs · 23/09/2024 08:43

Your DH doesn't need consent if he consents. He's his parent.

buttonsB4 · 23/09/2024 08:47

Do you think your H has done this to "punish" you for going away for the weekend and potentially prevent you from ever leaving him to parent by himself again?

I think you really need to think about his motivation for this.

Is he stupid?

Does he genuinely not care about your child's safety (I'm presuming DC wasn't wearing safety boots, leathers and a properly fitted helmet?)

Is he the type of man that does things without thinking of the potential consequences?

Or is he trying to punish you?

I'm not sure what other motivation there could be.

betterangels · 23/09/2024 08:50

He doesn't need your permission, though. He's possibly also a twat. Two different things.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 23/09/2024 08:51

I don't think there's anything you can do, but this is a hill I would be completely prepared to die on. Also he shouldn't be telling your child to keep secrets, that's a safeguarding issue, its easier for another adult to convince your child to keep secrets if their parents have done this. Id be furious on two counts and Id be making sure DS knows he can always tell both his parents anything and that its not ok for adults to ask kids to keep secrets.

Nobodyreallyknows · 23/09/2024 08:51

I totally agree with you OP. I would be furious.

Your DH doesn't even sound like a responsible adult anyway if he normally breaks the speed limit. Did he ensure your son had a helmet and proper clothing?

I would also be furious about the fact he told your son it was a " secret". It's a no no to tell children that things are secrets unless it's about something like a birthday present.

All you can do is have further conversations with your DH about parenting and the safety and well-being of your child.

CookieClutter · 23/09/2024 08:52

I wouldn't like it either but I am not sure there is anything you can do except depend on dh's goodwill. Could you show him some stats on accidents especially involving kids on motorbikes? Another idea might be to talk to ds about how unsafe it is so he says no to his dad next time...

If it's a one off how did he even get a helmet for ds? And motorbike safe clothing if that's a thing?

Another thing I wouldn't like is the whole secret thing. You shouldn't ask your child to keep secrets from their other parent.

MissyB1 · 23/09/2024 08:53

You are married to an idiot. Sadly I suspect he will just keep doing this no matter what you say or do. I couldn't be with someone that did this.

MrsSkylerWhite · 23/09/2024 08:54

betterangels · Today 08:50
**
He doesn't need your permission, though. He's possibly also a twat. Two different things.

My husband always checked that I was happy with whatever he did with the kids. Same Vice versa.
For example, he had a pilots license and I made it clear from the beginning that I was not happy at the prospect of him taking them up. He understood my concerns.
Surely marriage/parenthood involves compromise?
It’s worked for us.

Foxblue · 23/09/2024 08:56

If he took him out with anything less than fully helmeted, suited, booted, gloved up then I'd be going nuclear. So sorry you ate having to deal with his.
How do you know he doesn't obey speed limits?

AgileGreenSeal · 23/09/2024 08:57

I would be as much concerned that it was a “secret” as the actual motorbiking.

LoveSkaMusic · 23/09/2024 08:59

It's not as unsafe as people think, I've been a biker on and off since for just over 28 years. However, when it goes wrong, it tends to really go wrong.

I wouldn't be taking my child on the back of a bike until they are at least 17-18 and can make their own mind up about the risks. In fact, there's a very strong chance that I will never take my kids out on the bike.

Also, I wouldn't dream of doing it without both parents being 100% on board.

LittleBitAlexisLaLaLaLaLa · 23/09/2024 09:01

I wouldn’t like my kids going on a motorbike either, even with the safest motorcyclist who really cares about safety because other vehicles can do so much damage if the driver isn’t paying attention and those on the motorbike are wearing all the right stuff to protect them.

I doubt there’s anything you can legally do to stop this happening again because while you don’t consent the child’s father does.

AgileGreenSeal · 23/09/2024 09:02

buttonsB4 · 23/09/2024 08:47

Do you think your H has done this to "punish" you for going away for the weekend and potentially prevent you from ever leaving him to parent by himself again?

I think you really need to think about his motivation for this.

Is he stupid?

Does he genuinely not care about your child's safety (I'm presuming DC wasn't wearing safety boots, leathers and a properly fitted helmet?)

Is he the type of man that does things without thinking of the potential consequences?

Or is he trying to punish you?

I'm not sure what other motivation there could be.

“Do you think your H has done this to "punish" you for going away for the weekend and potentially prevent you from ever leaving him to parent by himself again?”

This.

There are several 🚩 popping up in this.

The risky behaviour.
The keeping of a secret.
as well as knowing you will be upset and feel unable to trust him again = punishment.

Is he a narcissist?

Ilovechees3 · 23/09/2024 09:02

My partner took his children out on his motorbike as soon as they were old enough to hold on safely, they always had the correct clothing and helmets to fit. Later he would take my children to places to help me out again on the bike.
I don’t agree with children having secrets between parents.

LittleGreenDragons · 23/09/2024 09:03

I agree with buttons. Is he trying to punish you for leaving him to parent alone?

Also this:
I'm presuming DC wasn't wearing safety boots, leathers and a properly fitted helmet?

Emeraldiisland · 23/09/2024 09:04

I wouldn't be angry about going on the bike and you can't stop him as your H has as much right as you do to give consent.
However I would be furious that he told your son to keep it a secret. You don't ask kids to keep secrets from their parents.
Your H sounds a bit of a twat.

mutleyschuckle · 23/09/2024 09:05

I have motorbikes, as does my partner. My son has been on the back of his since age 9. As long as their feet can reach the back pegs it's legal, which isn't great as you can get some really tall younger children. However totally depends on the child as well, mine is very sensible & will listen to all instructions. They use a grab belt & he pops a top box on for him to lean back against, we use radios as well. He actually rides so much slower & is so careful when he takes him on the back. I know this as I'm often out with them (won't take him on mine- I trust my partner more) I won't deny there are risks, of course there is but we all wear all the gear at all times & only pick slow quiet routes with him.
Sadly you can't stop them from doing it, but if they insist on going make sure he is wearing all of the gear, not joggers & trainers etc. alongside the helmet he needs proper jacket, trousers with armour. Gloves & sturdy boots. Ideally a back protector as well. If mine went out without any of that they would never be going out again.

LettyToretto · 23/09/2024 09:05

Hang on.

DS needs to be able to reach the foot rests for the pillion passenger. Is he definitely tall enough?

GuestFeatu · 23/09/2024 09:06

I have friends who used to be bikers and they brought their kids up in the subculture - their oldest died in a motorbike accident in his 20s. I'd be fucking furious about this but I wouldn't have had kids with someone who would teach my DC that motorbikes are cool and reasonable ways to travel. It's inevitable that he will get on a motorbike one day and legally no there is nothing you can do at this point. Maybe if you split up and went to court you could get a prohibited steps order but that's a big if.

Ghosttofu99 · 23/09/2024 09:18

I think it’s madness but just out of interest, did he make sure your son wore a helmet?

BlueEyedLeucy · 23/09/2024 09:22

If he had a helmet on and appropriate clothing, I think it’s okay as an occasional treat. Parents drive differently with a kid. I have fond memories of the few times my dad let me have a ride on the back of his motorbike with him, and I would have been about the age your son is now. There’s risk, but there’s risk in everything.

Cantsleeper · 23/09/2024 09:36

I think it’s insane that anyone thinks this is ok. No matter how safely the dad is driving, motorbikes are inherently more risky than cars and you’re at the mercy of every other driver on the road in a much more vulnerable position than if you were in a car.

NoraLuka · 23/09/2024 09:37

I’d be furious about the keeping secrets regardless of what the secret was. How furious I’d be about the bike depends on whether he was wearing a proper helmet, boots, jacket etc - I guess maybe not because why would he have all the gear if he doesn’t usually ride? I’d also be angry if he’s giving DS the impression that it’s not important to wear the right safety clothing all the time, and that it’s ok to break the speed limit.

I’m not against motorbikes because I have one, but safety isn’t something to mess around with.

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