DSs dad took him on the back of his motorbike without my consent

[motorbikemadness]

DH has several motorbikes. I hate them and have always made it very clear that I don't want our children anywhere near them. I've just been away for the weekend & came back to be told by our DS age 9 that he and his dad have a secret. After much cajoling turns out the secret was that DH has been driving DS around on his mororbike all weekend (on busy roads with speed limits of 40mph, which DH never obeys). I am absolutely furious.

DH is being an absolute twat and has said that he doesn't see what the problem is, and of course DS thinks its all great fun and so I'm in the wrong for kicking up a fuss about this. Having Googled the legalities of this, it would seem that travelling with a child on a motorbike is legal (and, unbelievably, there's no minimum age) but only with parental consent. I do not give consent, but obviously DH does.

Do I have any power to stop this happening again in future? My worry is that if DH doesn't see this as an issue and won't listen to reason, he can legally take our son onto motorways on the back of his bike as long as he gives consent.

There’s no problem then. You’re being incredibly unreasonable here. Your DH safely and legally took your 9 yo DS on his motorbike - something most parents with bikes do. If you have something against motorbikes or your DH driving them that’s your issue with him - but you have absolutely no proof he was speeding or driving unsafely.

@Ozanj I don't have a problem with DH driving motorbikes. He's an adult who can make his own decisions. I do have a problem with my child being on a motorbike when the statistics are so horrific.

I think this is one of those where legally he's done nothing wrong, but a fundamental mismatch in your approach to life & parenting has arisen.

You always knew he rode bikes... have you always known he'd be so disrespectful of your wishes? It's hard to believe this has come from nowhere. Have a think if he is authoritarian about other things.

Ultimately he's shown he has no regard for your views or feelings. I wouldn't be married to someone like that.

That's why I ask about what he's like in general. Some will say you should have seen this coming - he thinks they are safe and/or he's a good driver which can keep him safe. If he didn't think that he wouldn't ride himself, so it's a natural extension that he'll think it's fine for the children.

anyone who thinks that motorbikes are ok needs to go and spend a week on an ICU.

Some helpful information here: amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/article/2024/aug/09/five-year-old-granddaughter-ride-pillion-dad-motorbike-legal-rights

But he’s done nothing wrong

Pragmatically, I doubt there is any way to stop this. At least he's ensuring correct gear is being worn.

He must have known you wouldn't be okay with it, hence the 'secret'. I'd focus on discussing that aspect, as he's obviously going to do it despite your views, as teaching children to keep secrets from their parents is probably even more stupid than taking them on a bike.

The risk of death and serious for motorcyclists is actually lower than for pedestrians and cyclists in the UK (all the terrible stats are US based) but I bet OP wouldn’t blink if her 9 yo walked or rode his bike somewhere. So stop this alarmist nonsense.

@Ozanj I'm not sure where you've got that idea from. I absolutely wouldn't let my 9 year old ride his bike on the roads where we live (a busy city). And the risk of death certainly isn't lower for pedestrians and cyclists (see pages 12 & 13 of this document): https://www.pacts.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/PACTS-What-kills-most-on-the-roads-Report-13.0.pdf

He's not broken the law

He's still an idiot

So as long as something is legal it’s perfectly ok then?

so you would be happy for your DH to smack your children? Or give them alcohol? I mean both of those are legal, so clearly not wrong?

No consent from you is needed, OP. You may not be happy, but your ex is also the child's parent. I don't think you can legally ask or expect him to defer to you in the way you suggest.

I don’t approve of the lying or keeping secrets, those are the issues for me. As long as your child had protective gear on, a proper helmet and can reach the pedals, and his father is taking him out, thats less of an issue for me (I’m a biker). However if you are not keen on bikes I can see why you are nervous. You and he are going to need to talk about this seriously. If you dig your heels in you will likely lose as he can do this without your permission and it makes it all even more exciting for your son potentially. You will likely need to compromise or he will continue to do this behind your back. How about an occasional short trip as a treat for example.

Myself and DP both ride motorbikes. I can see it from both angles.

I would be very upset if I voiced my worries to DP about the safety of my child on the bike & would also be very hurt that he told DC to keep a secret from me no matter how big nor small. However, as someone that does ride a bike and who does have 3 DS’s, I can totally see how for him this would exciting and a total bonding moment for them. My DP takes our oldest out on the bike and has done since for years. Our 8 year old has had a very short trip but up the road and soon realised it wasn’t for him. Our youngest is 3 and loves everything and anything to do with bikes, he watches DP work on them why he “works” on his balance bike, they both wash their bikes together ect. Motorbikes do bring great bonds and I think unless you’re actively in it you don’t realise.

So no, I do not think you’re being unreasonable as I would be deeply hurt by the ignoring me & then the telling DC to keep a secret.

Also you said about the way he rides, I can guarantee you, with your son on the back was probably the safest he’s ever rode.

@Purplecatshopaholic
Very good points, thank you.

I think you need to draw a line under what's happened and work out where to go next.

I would be most bothered by the lying and would want an assurance that he would never lie or ask the kids to lie to me again.

I'd also want to make sure that DC have suitable safety equipment and perhaps come to some agreement about how far, how often, which roads etc they can go out on. Maybe agree no motorways for example.

Also make sure that DC knows age appropriate advice of what to do if there is an accident. You can talk a out this in general terms, at age 9 I'd expect them to have some basic information.

You're not going to be able to stop the risky behaviour, so rightly or wrongly the next best strategy is to try to manage it.

Oh and child should have their own properly fitted lid. This would be a non negotiable for me.

@HarrietJonesFlydaleNorth Sensible advice, thank you.

In 2022, 350 motorcyclists were killed in Great Britain, whilst 5,618 were reported to be seriously injured and 10,975 slightly injured.
I'd be absolutely furious.

I’d be furious too.

We always proceeded on the basis that where we disagreed as parents, the existing status quo or the lest risky/ most conservative option won. A example might be me thinking pierced ears are okay from age 11 and DH thinking age 16. If I couldn’t persuade him then I would have ceded to his standpoint.

I have no advice but I’d be writing an email to express your disapproval of asking your son to keep secrets from you, and secondarily of him taking him pillion on a motorbike knowing it is against your wishes. I’d add that tempting as it would be to retaliate in some way, you will not be doing that because it not not in your son’s best interests and you will always put those first.

He’ll be drinking alcohol with him next, making a best mate of him, pathetic, selfish bastard.

Also, if your son had a proper helmet and protective gear (which it's great that he had!) this isn't the first time he's been out on the bike. He wouldn't have extensive fitted safety gear for a one off, spur-of-the-moment spin. This has been a regular thing for some time I would have thought.

Even if your husband makes bad decisions, you're not the boss of the family and your opinion equals rather than trumps his.

Your DH is being foolish, but he has every legal right to be. He has equal parental rights, and he consents. You need to discuss this again with him.

As your sons mother you are entitled to your opinion.
The same for your sons father is entitled to his opinion.
My husband has several motorcycles. A big adventure one I go on the back of, a sports bike I wouldn't fit on and an off road bike.

In the right hands bikes are dangerous. My husband has taken all our kids out on them over the years and taught them how to ride off road. Now the grandchildren regularly have a ride off road.