DSs dad took him on the back of his motorbike without my consent

[motorbikemadness]

DH has several motorbikes. I hate them and have always made it very clear that I don't want our children anywhere near them. I've just been away for the weekend & came back to be told by our DS age 9 that he and his dad have a secret. After much cajoling turns out the secret was that DH has been driving DS around on his mororbike all weekend (on busy roads with speed limits of 40mph, which DH never obeys). I am absolutely furious.

DH is being an absolute twat and has said that he doesn't see what the problem is, and of course DS thinks its all great fun and so I'm in the wrong for kicking up a fuss about this. Having Googled the legalities of this, it would seem that travelling with a child on a motorbike is legal (and, unbelievably, there's no minimum age) but only with parental consent. I do not give consent, but obviously DH does.

Do I have any power to stop this happening again in future? My worry is that if DH doesn't see this as an issue and won't listen to reason, he can legally take our son onto motorways on the back of his bike as long as he gives consent.

I think he's a bit young. My Dad was a lifelong biker but I never went on the pillion until I was 12. After that I was glued onto his bike and became a complete addict; even had my own bike by 17.

@mutleyschuckle and partner, however, are going about this sensibly and they rightly point out that it depends on the child and having the proper gear. I agree that you need to consider how tall (or sturdy/strong) the child is and how responsible/mature their attitude is.

Kids of that age vary tremendously in their maturity so I wouldn't say it's set in stone but in most cases I'd say 12-ish might be a better age for taking a child on pillion. But regardless of anything else, this should not have been kept from you and that is probably the bigger issue.

I'd be completely opposed to the activity.

The secrecy would make me consider ending the relationship.

Sorry, but your DH sounds dreadful.

Did DH have a car available or did he have to use his motorbike to get DC to where he had to go? A child on the back of a sensible motorcycle rider in a built up area, hopefully wearing all the right protective gear should be pretty safe.

My pet hate is kids on pedal bikes, similarly the biggest danger is from other motorists, although some children seem totally incompetent, or show off, or don't wear helmets or don't have lights when it's dark. I am amazed that young children are allowed (by their parents) to cycle on the roads, let alone in fast traffic on main roads.

I hate motorbikes but why do you get final say?

Are motorbikes more dangerous than peddle bikes ? I see kids (much younger than the OP), on the back of these all the time.

Meh I used to go out on my dad's bikes at this age too if not younger. Bet your son was made up. Sad that he feels he has to hide things from you because you will go apeshit. There's risks everyday. You could be hit by a bus tomorrow but you still leave the house. I'm sure your husband was actually very careful. You ride and drive differently with passengers.

I ride a motorbike, have done since I was a teenager. I consider myself a safe and cautious rider, drive appropriately for the traffic, speed limit and conditions etc.

I know people do take their kids on the back but I hate seeing it, & I would never do it. I didn't even ride myself when my kids were growing up, just in case. We are at the mercy of car drivers and with the best will in the world, they don't always see us. There is no way in hell I would take a child on the back unless it was on a private road or track with no traffic and limited to about 5-15mph.

However, different people have different parenting approaches. He is within the law in this respect (although maybe not with his riding). It is really sucky to have a partner with such a different view of safety and I really don't know how you would get past this except confiscate the kids helmet and take the bike keys with you next time you go away.

Well yes that's the ideal situation.

But if it comes down to it, if it's legal to take him on the bike, then there's nothing stopping him doing it beyond simply respecting her wishes (which it seems like he does not).

He hasn't done anything illegal.

The unreasonable part is keeping secrets. But I'd ask myself why they felt the need to keep it a secret.

I grew up around motor bikes and I don’t like seeing kids on them. I wouldn’t be happy if my dad or my dp took my son on the back of theirs.

I would be furious if they did and said to keep it a secret.

However, he doesn’t need your consent. He is the child’s parent. The idea that your consent should mean more than the fathers, isn’t a great mindset to be honest.

I would be incredibly cross and this would make me question my relationship with him. It's the dishonesty more than anything, and the fact that he knew how you felt but did it anyway. I do appreciate this is something he clearly thinks is ok and wanted to experience with his son but he should have discussed it with you further first and not done it secretly.
I'm sorry OP x

Like others have said, I would want to know more to know how mad I needed to be.... what was he wearing, did he have a helmet etc. As he is his dad, I would assume he put him in proper protection. I would therefore have a conversation with son about the risks and why you don't like bikes, and I would say to husband it's made you question your relationship and see how he responds. That would be the decider how I would proceed.

If he didn't have him in proper protection, that would make me seriously consider leaving him. As he wouldn't be the person I chose to have a family with.

Spot on.

This. Legally, there was parental consent.

your DH doesn't need you to agree, he's allowed to parent however he wants to.

But why should he have to ask you? Do you ask him every time you do something out of the ordinary?
He is his son too!

I do agree though, that he should never have got your son to keep it a secret from you. That is really bad.

I doubt the OP does something quite so dangerous with her son and asks him to keep it a secret!

It depends on the speed. Pedal bikes are safe because they are slow. You are unlikely to get much above 15 mph on a pedal bike with a child on. You can easily stop. Yes cars can still hit you especially if they are not paying attention or speeding. I choose my route carefully.

I think a motorbike could be ok if they are going on slow local roads and have correct equipment.

However the fact that he did it behind mum's back, knowing she didn't want it, is really worrying and shows terrible judgement.

If he is keen to take his son he should be discussing it and coming to a compromise, not just doing it.

I've been a motorbike rider all my life. Gave up last year as I'm 62. I absolutely would never take DS on the back.
If my exH had tried it I would have taken him to court. It only takes one idiot to pull out on him which they do all the time and your DS would be dead or seriously life changingly injured.
Don't allow this. I have dead motorcyclist friends all over the place.

@Gettingbysomehow Thank you, it's good to hear a prospective from a motorbike rider. The problem with taking him to court is that he hasn't actually broken the law so I'm not sure I have a leg to stand on.

Thank you everyone for your replies. To clarify DS was wearing a helmet & protective equipment and is tall enough to reach the pedals. DH is not seeing my point of view (i.e. concerns for DS's safety) and is of the opinion that because it's legal, it's OK. I can't quite believe it is legal and that I'm married to such a dick (for the record he's never done anything like this before).

Several red flags here; keeping a secret, doing this knowing you'd object, and turning you into the bad guy while he gets to be the fun parent.

I’ve taken my son on my bike - full protective clothing worn . I ride slower when he is on the back.
its a shame your husband felt he had to keep it a secret from you. I bet your son was excited to tell you all about it.