Staying at the dinner table until everyone has finished

[ForkingKnivesAndSpoons]

For normal everyday family dinners at your house, does everyone just leave the table once they've finished? And I'm not talking about expecting others to wait for extra slow eaters, I mean when the "slow" person (me) takes a total of 10-15 mins to eat their dinner?

YABU - Yes it's normal for the slowest eater to be left sitting alone at the table
YANBU - It's rude to up and leave them there alone

A normal family meal, everyone stays until everyone has finished. Unless our slowest eater is being ridiculously slow, or someone has homework they need to get on with. When all have finished, kids clear the table.

We leave when we’re finished. Anything else would feel very formal and old fashioned, we prefer to be relaxed and laid back in our home.

We all eat together, dd always finishes first and will say ‘I’ve finished, please can I go and play now’ she’s never needed permission to leave the table, dinners are relaxed, but it’s cute she asks.

Our youngest is 1, so he takes quite a while to eat, dh and I both stay seated and chat till he’s finished.

Growing up, we asked to leave the table or we’d at least announce we were finished, thank our parents, then take our pots away. My parents were not strict about it, it was more a sign of respect.

If my nana was round, one of us would stay with her till she had finished (usually me)
She ate very slowly.

I think it’s about respect - you don’t dawdle coming to the table, as someone has put effort in to making you a meal. You teach children, a lot through example, to say thank you for the meal at the end (whether they liked it or not) and ask if they can help clear/may be excused. And that’s teaching through repetition from a pretty young age - three upwards. You make it clear that the meal isn’t just about the food, it’s about happily interacting with your loved ones.

We tend to all just chat until the slowest has finished, no puddings at the weekend until everyone has finished main course either, but occasionally the children ask to be excused.

Good manners is also pacing your eating to the rest of the table, so no-one finishes way before or way after the others. I can't ever manage it!

But definitely no abandoning people at the table unless they ask you to.

I had 'etiquette and manners' drilled/beaten into me, so I don't really put much stead by them in my own home.
As long as we are all fed and happy, I don't care where my DC eat, how long it takes them, and what they're doing whilst eating.
In restaurants, you wouldn't think we were so deviant from societal norms, as we all have the manners of angels.

Only 2 of us at home, I am really slow ! We eat in the kitchen and DP will start cleaning up while I finish eating and we carry on chatting.
If we have people round, he obviously wouldn't get up until everyone had finished and children can leave once everyone has finished eating while adults stay and chat.
I think its fine on a "normal" weekday evening at home for children to leave once they have finished, as long as they know that it's good manners to wait for everyone in certain situations, and when they are asked to wait.

Stay seated when there guests, a fancy dinner like Xmas, Easter, birthday.

Every day just the 4 of us, not so fussed.

Different strokes for different situations, not a one size fits all answer.

I'd expect the significant other in the situation to stay (this could be a different person depending on the situation), I'd stay if I was the SO, is it my DH, my elderly mum, my mate or friend I'm with? or is it a bunch of work colleagues where there's groups and factions? then I'm off to go back to whatever I was doing or the next meeting.

Basically is the slow eater in high regard in the situation. If they are, I stay, if they aren't or there are others of their SO's there and I have a more pressing activity then I'm off.

My Dad used to wolf his food down then jump up and start clearing the table and banging stuff around in the kitchen. It really spoiled meal times, especially as I was always last to finish, left sitting at the table trying to eat my meal while stuff was being snatched from the table to be washed up.

I'd never expect children to stay sitting there unless they want to. But adults, yes. I'm apparently a slow eater and can take longer than 15 minutes. But I assume we're talking about meals where visitors are present? For casual family meals it's more, well, casual!

My mother was horribly strict about manners and particularly table manners but she would tell me I could leave the table when I had finished eating. She had memories of growing up as an only child where she had to sit at the table not only until my grandparents and their friends had finished eating, but had finished talking as well - and it could take hours. I think the boredom she suffered made her determined that I wouldn't have to put up with similar.

Just to clarify, I wasn't allowed to just walk off from the table, she would tell me I could go or I would ask to be allowed to go.

When my daughter was young, I always expected her to stay at the table until everyone had finished eating and to ask to leave the table. I don't worry now that it's usually just the two of us eating at dinner. My husband is an incredibly slow eater and I could easily have finished all three courses every night when he's still barely started his main meal, and I must admit that after half an hour I tend to get up. But I do have the excuse of recovering from back surgery and I find our dining chairs uncomfortable if I sit in them for too long.

At weekends or when we have company, kids can leave, adults stay. Tbh if we have friends round, we usually want to have a good gossip with them without little ears listening to every word. So we engage with the children until the food is finished and then send them away with their pudding to watch TV or play.

If the kids are having their friends round, they have to stay until their friends have finished because they are hosting them.

During the week, it's usually just the kids and me. I'm a much quicker eater than they are so will usually eat my food and then clean up the kitchen while chatting to the older one.

If you're a slow eater and everyone is waiting for you every night, I can see why they are annoyed and want to leave. Why does your slow eating trump their desire to leave every time?

It's an ages and stages thing. @Missingpate gives a great example of how rules shouldn't be absolute but need to flex round circumstances.

We've always had an expectation than everyone stays and waits, and also that people say thank you to the cook. I am our slowest eater and I don't recall ever being left alone to finish. We are just a bit more relaxed now with older teens, who understand the rules and respect them but also have essay deadlines etc. One or other might scoot off early, but someone at least will always stay, and usually everyone.

@Nagatha You're the person who said about the toddler earlier? No it's not shit parenting - teach toddlers to enjoy eating food first - let them play and explore food - manners come later when they're old enough.

I'm sorry about the experience you received but I'm firmly in your camp here - before age 3 table manners are not a priority - potty training and not becoming a fussy eater is.

The kids ask to leave when they are done. For a normal tea I let them go. If we’ve got special dessert or something, or if we have guests, they stay and talk.

We all wait almost always. Sometimes someone asks to be excused because they have something they need to do, but that applies to everyone, adults and children.

How quickly is everyone else inhaling their meals if 10-15 minutes is considered slow? Also, are these meals that you’ve made they’re hoovering up and then running off?

This all seems very very rude to me.

DD is 5 and yes, we all stay at the table until everyone has finished. She's often the last to finish though. If she's finished and I still have a lot left (I'm notably slower than DH) then DH will get up and get DD any pudding she might be having, and then she has that whilst I finish up.

My kids will stay if we're all enjoying a nice chat. If it's a quieter meal they tend to ask to leave once they're finished and that's fine by me. I don't see what's polite about forcing children to sit watching others eat.

I'm also influenced by my very Victorian father. I hated family meals because, frankly, any time spent with him was awful. I was always DESPERATE to get away from that table. We had to sit and listen to him pontificate bullshit / listing ways in which we were awful children while spitting over the table, and apparently this was supposed to teach us good manners. I can't see how and I won't do the same to our kids because all it taught me was to dread family mealtimes.

We used to sit at the table but people left once finished. Well, not me, but everyone else! Teenagers would slope off under the pretence of doing homework. Only one still at home now (just me and him) and he eats in his bedroom unless it's Sunday. I don't really mind, I just watch Netflix instead 😂

Depends really. Sometimes DH will get up to go and run their bath while kids are finishing. Sometimes I will get up if I finish first to load the dishwasher. Sometimes we all sit together till the bitter end. Sometimes DD1 asks to get down to finish a craft or something while DD2 is taking ages finishing her food. It's not something I'm overly bothered about at home.

I'm a slow eater and can't stand people clearing and esp washing up/ loading dishwasher when I'm still eating.
Noisy and not relaxing and rude.