To wonder what life is like with NT children?

[Itwasallgoingsowellthenboom]

Dd, 6, currently being assessed for adhd & autism. She is wonderful, incredible, brilliant, interesting, hilarious, very bright, individual, strong willed and full of character. This makes for a life that’s never dull, but it is non stop and utterly exhausting.
From birth, I struggled and wondered why I struggled when others didn’t seem to struggle as much. Some things were easy and it was great, others like sleep and just general calming down, were v hard.
I expected things to get easier as she got older, it feels harder though. She’s so hyper, so strong willed, just everything feels difficult at times, nothing is ever easy. I was wondering how it is for other mums of children a similar age? Is it like this? Are most things a struggle? Getting them to listen to you, get dressed when you ask? Do you just tuck them up in bed at 7 and pop downstairs for the rest of the night, as opposed to having to lie next to them, whilst they move around, play, chat and can’t switch off until 9.30?
I always felt sure of things when she was little, yes she was energetic and I was tired, but now it seems even harder and I feel like I’m crap mum, I didn’t feel like this before. It was my dream to be a mum, I stayed home with her until 4, co slept, breastfed, went to all the classes, we had a good life, now I feel it’s just so very hard, I don’t enjoy parenting at all, there’s no let up at all
Is this all parenting, is it just more difficult with nd chindren or am I just doing things wrong and being a shit parent??

Also to say, I was an early years teacher and had no problem controlling a class of 20
children, but I seem to struggle with my own

In my experience it's the same NT wise - very exhausting time. I feel for you OP but have no advice or experience re ND to add

My life with NT 6 year old girls was very similar. Mine didn’t self soothe until about 6-7 and I bf and co-slept until 4. It was a rod I knew I was creating but was happy to for all those close times. I miss it now and don’t regret a second.
Maybe you are a bit disorganised and occasionally overwhelmed-I am!! Loads are!!! We are allowed to be but it doesn’t make us bad mums. Be kind to yourself, she sounds awesome.

Honestly, I think plenty of NT children have drawn-out bedtimes and don't like to listen to their parents and all that other stuff. It's sort of a spectrum of normal childhood behaviour.

DD1 is 5 and NT but some days are a battle, where she doesn't want to get dressed or doesn't want to go to bed, doesn't listen when she's asked to stop doing something, is tired after school so is rude to her little sister and has a shouting strop when told off, etc.

Some of it just normal childhood stuff, but obviously it's likely you have it more intensely than most people or at the very least more frequently and perhaps the strategies we use wouldn't work for your situation.

But parenting is hard for everyone at times. Obviously having NT children does make life easier, although not necessarily easy. But children are all individuals and rarely do any children do what we want them to do at all times.

I certainly find my 2yo easier at the moment, as she's still at the eager to please and do what's asked of her stage!

YANBU. Parenting a ND child is way more exhausting than parenting a NT child. Our daughter is NT and astoundingly easy in comparison. She doesn't have draining conversations, she doesn't still require constant supervision even though she's upper primary aged - she is much more emotionally capable and independent than our ND child despite being younger. It is something that parents of NT children don't understand. Most of our family friends are people who also have ND children, because I think they empathise and truly understand what we are walking through. All children can be challenging to parent at times, but hands down ND children drain you much much more. I am exhausted. If anything I feel like my ND child was easier as a toddler because the older they've got the more intense it is. I hear you OP ❤️

Edited to add that our ND child is autistic and has and ADHD. He's meeting or exceeding AREs at school, but is anxious and emotionally dysregulated.

My twins are 6, both NT, and it sounds VERY similar. Don’t beat yourself up, OP. I’d say I enjoy parenting 30% of the time.

I have 5 girls, as far as I know 3 are NT and 2 are ND, the most exhausting two are one of the NT and one of the ND kids. The "easiest" and most chilled out by far is the other ND kid, so I do think a lot is purely down to their personality.

It's tough. I found learning good communication skills were a lifesaver. This book has been a life-saver and I've find I use the principles useful at work, with dh and friends.

I have one autistic daughter and one NT. On the whole our NT child is way easier, especially when it comes to bedtime! Since the autistic one has been given melatonin though, her bedtimes are totally transformed!

I just remember when she was younger and wouldn’t sleep and was quite literally bouncing around the room, people always saying that it for so much easier at school age. I just didn’t expect to still be doing bedtimes and having not much time for myself ever, it sounds selfish doesn’t it, I mean, I’m a mum, it’s what I signed up for. I sort of expected all the struggles and intensity when she was little and did think that side would ease off.

*Was so much easier at school age

You are not a s**t Mom. You ard coping the best you can with your daughter.. that’s all, You’re committed to the serious task of raising her to the best of your ability and I admire you for that.

You didn't expect to be doing bedtimes at 6 years old? Seriously? That's completely normal.

Mine is NT and almost 6. He is on the go from 6am to 8pm and yes, we do have to read 3 short books then stay with him to get him to sleep. Takes about 45 minutes. I suspect he will be one of those adults who gets up at 5am to run a 10k then cycles to work.

You say in your post that she doesn't settle until 9.30, that'll be her ND brain struggling to switch off. It's really common to have sleep issues with ADHD/ASC. And it is draining...because you've been on full alert all day, then have to remain on full alert to manage their behaviour and anxieties at night. No disrespect to the posters above who have said all their children are NT but still hard work, but you can't understand the intensity of parenting a ND child until you've lived it. It is TOUGH.

I hear you, OP. My ASD/PDA/ADHD child still needs me to carry him a lot of the time and he weighs 27 kilos. Still co-sleeps, can’t dress himself, can’t wipe his own bum, talks & makes noise non-stop from 5am to 10pm. Can’t allow me to have a conversation with anyone else in his presence. Constantly climbs on me, hits, bites, headbutts. No sense of danger, will run out into traffic without looking. Can’t say please or thank you or sorry or I love you, can’t call me Mum or Mummy (currently refers to me as Bumwipe ☹️). I love him but fuck me it is hard and thankless. He talks all the time about how he plans never to leave home when he grows up, and how I need to keep ‘raising’ him until I die.

@TheRainItRaineth Of course, but I didn’t think bedtimes would be the way they are. Sleeping in our bed, completely hyper some nights gone 9, sleeping beside then being so tired I cba to bother going downstairs, or she’ll wake and want me there. No, I didn’t expect to still be doing this. I mean I love reading to her and cuddling up, but I’m tired, I just want some space now

My 6 year old is NT and didn't fall asleep until 10pm tonight. Sometimes she talks so much I feel like my head will explode.

OK. I get you. But that doesn't sound massively different from my NT child. 6 is still really quite little.

Sleep issues will be the autism/ADHD, it'll make more sense once she's got a diagnosis and you can put steps in place to manage it. Have you tried red light and any herbal remedies (they say magnesium can be good at calming ND children)? Your GP can prescribe melatonin if sleep is tough for her. Maybe see if there are any parent support groups as chatting to parents of other ND children may really help.

People who haven't had ND children won't truly understand OP.

My daughter was like this. The nights are exhausting. You never get to sleep properly even when they are asleep. Exhaustion and desperation finally made me put them in their own room. Took time. I had to keep going in a settling them time after time after time but I refused to stay. It did eventually work.

Are most things a struggle? Getting them to listen to you, get dressed when you ask? Do you just tuck them up in bed at 7 and pop downstairs for the rest of the night, as opposed to having to lie next to them, whilst they move around, play, chat and can’t switch off until 9.30?

Are most things a struggle: it comes and goes. Depends on what else is going on in their lives. Some days/weeks, every little thing is an argument and you have to nag. But the majority of the time, no. They learn as they go along. Different things become a struggle but they basically get over each hump over time.

Getting them to listen to you: rarely, first time. Tbh, I think this is children. They want and need to push and test. Sometimes they'll argue with good arguments, sometimes they'll just be stubborn, sometimes they'll argue for the sake of arguing. But as above, ultimately they learn and move on. It's not the same things that they don't listen to us about.

Get dressed when you ask: hahahahaha. No. If it's something non-negotiable like school, or something they're motivated to do, yes. If they're tired or not motivated then you can ask 5 times and it's literally like they didn't hear your voice.

Tuck them in at 7 and pop downstairs: this took training. I never co-slept, sleep trained and never once lay with them except when sick - no reason other than that I was too exhausted to ever bother. So, this has never been an option. My DS goes to bed, reads for an hour, piddles about with a toy for another half hour then finally falls asleep. He doesn't bother us in this time though. He needs this wind down period.

It's not the same at all for NT children, you definitely have an uphill struggle. But this is all the same: wonderful, incredible, brilliant, interesting, hilarious, very bright, individual, strong willed and full of character. This makes for a life that’s never dull

My oldest is NT youngest ND. It was so much easier with NT child, cuddles watching films, them being fascinated by little things that we could share, lovely relaxing walks and bedtime stories, them charming everyone they met and getting lots of compliments.
My youngest is amazing, so much fun but it is so much more exhausting and I've questioned my parenting many times but I'm able to rationalise as I know from experience it's notMey parenting.

You are not a bad mum, ND children do their own thing and their thing doesn't fit in with the social norms but that's okay.

Honestly, I think plenty of NT children have drawn-out bedtimes and don't like to listen to their parents and all that other stuff. It's sort of a spectrum of normal childhood behaviour.

This. But also i think if you only have NT your whole frame of reference is different. So things may frazzle or upset a parent of NT kids, that might barely register with a parent of a ND child because you deal with it daily. This doesn't diminish how difficult it is for you, but it doesn't change that for those parents within their life, it is a relatively big deal. They simply don't/can't have the experience the ND parent has that informs how you react and feel.

I think this is why parents of children with SEN or neurodiversity often seek out others in the same boat. Its hard to relate hearing Sarah from school being upset that her Ollie failed grade 2 clarinet, when you are wondering if your DC will ever live independently.

An example is, DD’s neighbour friend, he’s lovely, polite, comes immediately Wheh his mum calls, very calm. I see the difference when they’re playing together at our home. Dd adores him, but will talk endlessly at him, want to plan all the games, talk about them..he just, plays. She’ll have some anger sometimes if he does something wrong and she’ll sometimes be very upset when he has to go home (hysterical on some occasions)
His mum looks so tired with not much joy and obviously other things could be going on in her life, but that does not look like difficult/tiring parenting at all.
I feel guilty for writing this as I love her so much and she is fantastic, it’s just not as easy at all!