To wonder what life is like with NT children?

[Itwasallgoingsowellthenboom]

Dd, 6, currently being assessed for adhd & autism. She is wonderful, incredible, brilliant, interesting, hilarious, very bright, individual, strong willed and full of character. This makes for a life that’s never dull, but it is non stop and utterly exhausting.
From birth, I struggled and wondered why I struggled when others didn’t seem to struggle as much. Some things were easy and it was great, others like sleep and just general calming down, were v hard.
I expected things to get easier as she got older, it feels harder though. She’s so hyper, so strong willed, just everything feels difficult at times, nothing is ever easy. I was wondering how it is for other mums of children a similar age? Is it like this? Are most things a struggle? Getting them to listen to you, get dressed when you ask? Do you just tuck them up in bed at 7 and pop downstairs for the rest of the night, as opposed to having to lie next to them, whilst they move around, play, chat and can’t switch off until 9.30?
I always felt sure of things when she was little, yes she was energetic and I was tired, but now it seems even harder and I feel like I’m crap mum, I didn’t feel like this before. It was my dream to be a mum, I stayed home with her until 4, co slept, breastfed, went to all the classes, we had a good life, now I feel it’s just so very hard, I don’t enjoy parenting at all, there’s no let up at all
Is this all parenting, is it just more difficult with nd chindren or am I just doing things wrong and being a shit parent??

When my son was diagnosed autistic age 7 I attended a post diagnostic course for parents whose kids have been diagnosed recently. Most of the kids were diagnosed age 7-9 and 14-16. A lot of the parents who had teenagers diagnosed said they had no idea until referred that their child was autistic, and only afterwards did they realise there were a lot of quirks from earlier they had dismissed.

Not in any way saying your child is autistic but that comparing isn't necessarily fair when there's not always certainty either way.

Certainly always looks easier with NT children. I wouldn’t know, both of mine are ND - eldest is autistic, youngest has ADHD.

Their needs are very different and I constantly feel like I’m pulled in opposite directions trying to meet them. I have made my world very small and my life very rigid in order to properly care for them. I haven’t been able to work full time for over a decade due to caring for them, and I can’t see changing anytime soon.

I adore them, they’re my world. But that’s just as well, because for the foreseeable future they have to be my world.

My eldest is ND she is now 21 she was actually a really easy child very compliant and aims to please. Sleep not so much and she co-slept for many many years!

My younger one is NT a bloomin world wind - challenges everything and uses her voice ALOT. But sleep has always been easy happily go to bed in cot and sleep.

Their needs are different my 21 year old needs a lot more support and gentle guidance to ensure she chases the job application or study for the test. My 21 has very few friends - none close and she tried so hard at uni as well.

My younger one doesn’t need me in the same way. Independent, has friends can organise herself for school as some examples!

If you could hear my NT 15 year old shouting and demanding - but I say this quietly- I wouldn’t want her to be complaint like her ND sister (it’s no super power) I wouldn’t wish her sister social struggles on anyone and I’m aware that we will most likely always need to be close to my eldest.

I have 2 NT kids but they are like chalk and cheese.

The main difference between them is that DC2 pretty much always does what I ask her to do and DC1 almost never does (or it feels like it!). DC1 is 6 and very defiant and strong willed, desperate for control, quite pessimistic in character which shows itself as a lot of complaining. I find most days a struggle atm and feel I’m failing as a parent. Sadly I have no one to blame but myself as I was very similar as a child!

Anyway, I have no doubt that it is so much harder with a ND child but also a lot of 6 year olds are hard work! Good luck OP - I’m sure you are doing a great job.

I have one of each. Sometimes I do step back mentally and realise how different I have to parent them and how much more draining my ND child is.

I always find it interesting talking to parents who have no idea their child is ND - often because one or both parents are ND themselves, and they don’t pay much attention to how people outside of their immediate family behave because they’re just not all that interested in other people. And if a child doesn’t present with any behavioural issues at school, nobody’s going to go out of their way to suggest an EHCP or an assessment, so high-masking or compliant kids can easily get to adulthood undiagnosed.

I have a 7 year old with ADHD and a 5 year old who is NT.

Bedtimes are harder with DC5 than DC7 but both children are coaxed into bed at 7:30 and 8pm and then left to it while we come downstairs. Both get up early around 6am but leave us in bed and come downstairs to make themselves breakfast and watch tv.

My ADHD 7 year old can be full on, but we have some very clear household routines which he thrives with and he generally isn’t too bad to manage at home.

My ADHD boy was a delightful baby who slept and smiled all the way through. My NT girl who came after was a really needy baby who cried at the drop of a pencil and didn't sleep through without crying till 4 and who at 10 sometimes still wets the bed. She was a nightmare to potty train and now seems to be combining pre teen hormones with still being a toddler.

OP I could have written this, word for word except I have a 6 year old DS instead of DD.

DS has an older and younger sibling, and to be honest yes, things are so much easier and simpler with them. If DS is out, the house is really quite peaceful for the large majoriry of the time.

But, it is still very tiring being a parent anyway, there are lots of needs to consider and practical things to do, and I strongly believe that you adapt to your circumstances, so if I didn’t have DS, I would likely still feel overwhelmed and harassed, as it’s all relative.

Along that line, I try to be mindful and grateful. I try to really take stock of the moments that are peaceful, and notice the good moments more. And when things are bad, I remind myself that they could be worse, and remind myself that I am grateful DS can do X, or we as a family have Y, etc.

Depends on the child, all mine are NT and all so different. Two of them I could put to bed and that’s that, but the 3rd slept in my bed for 12yrs!

I can really relate to this.

It’s a double whammy too, because not being able to turn your back on your ND child for even a few minutes means that when they are eventually settled, I now have to do all of my household tasks in what would ideally be my downtime.

I am so grateful my partner is so understanding and pulls his weight (and more so). I honestly don’t think I would cope without him and that is a thought I cannot bring myself to dwell on much.

I have one of each. The way I describe it is I always have to bring my A game to parent my ND child even if i am exhausted, sick and stressed, but I can get away with a B or even C game with my NT child.

There are some things, like education, that have been so easy with my NT child. He just went to the closest school and liked it. But he has his own worries and health problems that need support.

That is really well put @Frowningprovidence
Most things have been easier with DD and I can be a bit slack with her sometimes.
However babyhood was harder with her.

My DS is 5 and every day there is a battle of some description. He is very energetic, has to be told 84 times to do something before it registers he has to do it, wants constant engagement, the repetitive "mummy" "mummy". Its exhausting and overwhelming, sometimes i just need to leave the house for half an hour when his dad gets home just to collect my thoughts.

Your 6 year old sounds just like my ND son! Perhaps some people just have these dickhead strong character traits?!

I have four ND children and am also AuDHD.

My experience of parenting is that it goes through extremely difficult patches. We had a couple of years where we could hardly leave the house.

I haven’t got an NT child but I expect some things are easier, some harder. Mine still need me a lot even though they’re teens / older primary.

Letting go of the expectation that they will do the same as everyone else helped. Living a low demand lifestyle. Putting their mental health before everything else.

Two of mine are home educated, which has transformed life from something unsustainable to something that has a lot of good. Not for everyone, but for us it’s best!

If you are getting your expectations around bedtime from Mumsnet you will always be disappointed by the reality. A lot of people on here seem to have easily exhausted children who come home from school (at 3pm) "shattered" and need to snuggle on the sofa, eat dinner at 5:30pm, then start their bedtime routine before being asleep by 7pm.

In real life all the children I know are full of beans, are not remotely tired by 7pm. It is totally normal for a 6 year old to be fighting sleep until after 9pm, especially if they are going to bed too early. So in reality most of them stay up until 8:30 or 9, which does mean you get less time for yourself but honestly, trying to force an unnaturally early bedtime will only result in a few hours of frustration for everyone. If they go to bed later they fall asleep quickly (but yes you will still be very much supervising bedtime at age 6).

ND kids are also very different from each other. One of mine was asleep at 6.30pm every night giving us a long evening. Then the next nearly broke me by barely sleeping more than an hour at a time for years.

My dd is coming up 6. Questions were raised in nursery about autism and adhd. Nothing further has come of it. Ni have however always suspected she has adhd. After autism was mentioned, I could kind of see what they meant.

My daughter is quite laid back in that we don't have many tantrums / crying episodes but I think over the years I have found ways which make life easier for us both.

If she's worn out, which isn't often, she will go to sleep easy enough. Twice this week I've been stuck with her until after 9pm and 10pm. Often she wakes through the night. The things I find most draining are probably the silliest things but putting socks on her is often an ordeal. Thinking of food to feed her which she will actually eat wears me out and makes me feel like a shit mam. Listening to the relentless talking although mostly nice, sometimes my heads absolutely gone. And probably the most frustrating, trying to talk to her and she can't wait for you answer so I get what on repeat and have to repeat stuff a million times. You're not alone. It's hard.

Also I hate seeing her when something bothers her. Lately we've been to a few parties where there's been balloons and she shrinks into herself. She's so outgoing and loud and vibrant it makes me sad.

Haha sadly yes! I was just like this as a child and am NT.

As an adult I have channelled the argumentativeness and pessimism into becoming a disputes lawyer, where it is quite useful! And in my personal life am a much more chilled and happy person, so there is hope 🙂

I think there is a misconception that any child that is hard to parent must be ND as NT children are expected to be easy and compliant. This causes a whole load of confusion and I think it is part of the reason we have seen an explosion of parents seeking a diagnosis for their difficult children.

It is totally normal to be a defiant and difficult child in the same way that it is normal to be a compliant and placid child. Variety is all part of the human condition. There are obviously extremes that need to be looked into but I believe there is a very wide range of normal and this can be frustrating and worrying as a parent struggling with a difficult child and comparing it to other, more inherently easy children. Some parents really do get an easier ride than others, especially when the child is young.

My observations are that the more willful and determined children can be really tough as young ages when compliance is prized. However when the children get older these same traits can be really useful and the meeker, milder characters can struggle more.

Fully agree with this. My DC1 is strong willed and I’ve occasionally posted threads on here asking for advice on how to deal with him. There are always loads of posts suggesting that I get him assessed for something or other.

He isn’t ND, he is just more difficult to parent than my DC2. But I can equally see that as an adult, his determination, confidence and forthrightness are likely to be positive, whereas my DC2’s people-pleasing/compliance might actually be problematic.

I remember my mum saying to me about kids - you just get what you get, and you have to parent the child you have, not the child you want.

I just had a skim read of some of your other threads because this comment made me curious, as well as how like my DS your DC is, and I have to say it’s uncanny! I can see why posters have suggested he might be ND as when you’re on that parenting journey, it does become very easy to recognise in others! ND is highly genetic and the fact that you went to Cambridge and also have some ND in the family could be an indicator too.

This isn’t an armchair diagnosis because there’s nothing more annoying, but it probably is worth keeping an open mind, as you and your DS are clearly very intelligent and channeled correctly he could go on to do great things!

I like your mum’s advice @JumpinJellyfish and need to try and remember it!

Yes it is extremely annoying @freespirit333!!

He is NT. He doesn’t have difficulties or differences in social communication or social interaction. He doesn’t have any restricted or repetitive patterns of behaviour or interests. He eats well and sleeps well. He has lots of friends. He is thriving in school. He was very shy post-covid and used to struggle with eg greeting people, but has grown out of that now. He doesn’t have meltdowns.

He does however know exactly how to push my buttons, is quite jealous of his little sister, and would prefer to get his own way. That is being 6, not being ND.