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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed he's taking 7-8 hours to reply now?

90 replies

Celia24 · 22/09/2024 17:27

Been together for a year. At the start he was working so much I barely heard from when we weren't on dates but this improved as the relationship got more serious. The whole summer was fine too.

Suddenly in the last month that communication pattern has gone back to how it was at the start. He mentioned he's bogged down with work - he's not AT work but he's prepping for teaching lessons.

When I say he doesn't reply I mean he's often actually switching off his phone so my message isn't even delivered on Whatsapp because he isn't opening it all day.

So today I messaged at 9.30 and I still haven't heard from him. Am I expecting too much?

OP posts:

GinLover198 · 26/09/2024 07:29

I don’t really have access to my personal phone when at work. My job is intense & this is just how things are. Occasionally I’ve enough time to check my phone at lunch (though I work through breaks - lunch is something eaten over my laptop). DP knows to email me anything pressing as I won’t have phone as I’m not contactable by phone from 7ish until I get in from work. Kids’ school know to phone DP. Working in a school is intense. My DP will confirm that, marrying a teacher is intense also! I’m 20+yrs in. I try to leave my work at work now but most of my 20s (before kids) I was working everyday flat out. My priorities have shifted. I’m still extremely committed but my priority is now to my own kids, not other people’s.

Candystore22 · 26/09/2024 07:51

I am a teacher. I get him. I don’t touch my phone all day when I’m teaching as I simply don’t have the time. Prep work also takes a lot of time and especially mental space. I don’t check my phone when doing prep work.
my advice is to talk to him, ask what his routine looks like so you know when you can chat (and know when you can’t expect him to reply quickly).

Temp14 · 26/09/2024 07:58

My DP is a teacher. He never responds to messages during school hours – it would be highly inappropriate for him to be on his phone in class, even to respond quickly to a text. At weekends he also puts his phone on silent when he's working so he can concentrate. It's not like he's not responding at all – he's just got sensible time-management boundaries in place so he can get through the insane workload that teachers have.

Iorderedyouapancake · 26/09/2024 07:59

Not the same I know as this is a friend rather than a partner - but I have a close friend who’s a teacher and in “normal” times we usually message each other most days and reply to each other pretty quickly - but I’ve only just had a reply to the message I sent her 3 weeks ago - it’s always like this at this time of year, she just has so much on she’s exhausted even at the weekends.

Youcantwinthemall · 26/09/2024 08:01

I’m a teacher. I’m not allowed my phone out at school unless I’m alone in my classroom. Over the week I only have three hour long slots (max - often I’ll end up with meetings during that time) where that is the case. I’m also so busy that I see texts, mean to reply to them then get sidetracked. Seems totally normal to me that he texted a lot when he was on summer holidays and is texting less now.

Seasmoke · 26/09/2024 08:04

Celia24 · 22/09/2024 19:18

I suppose I got used to hearing from him every day multiple times. It has been our pattern.

I'd say maybe I need to be a bit less needy.

But I also don't want no contact for 7-8 hours to become the new norm. Maybe it is the time of year as others have said.

Show quote history

Surely he's in a classroom? He can't just get his phone out to text his girlfriend several times a day with 30 kids staring at him! Surely he doesn't need to tell you that in the summer he's not in front of a class and in September he is? Even breaks are normally spent throwing down a cup of coffee and dealing with kids/ other teachers coming up to you all the time. Of course his phone is off during the day too! You are being far too needy.

vickylou78 · 26/09/2024 13:59

Stop texting him when he's working!! Why can't you text in the evenings when he's finished work? It would drive me mad of my husband was texting me when I'm supposed to be working. I personally think it's fine to text you back in the evening when he's finished.

Welshmonster · 27/09/2024 01:00

I was a teacher working 60 hour weeks and at weekend as the work doesn’t stop when kids go home. He may not be allowed his phone on at work for safeguarding.

my husband has outside activities he can get on with in term time and then we would hang out in holidays.

decide now if this is the lifestyle for you.

AW24 · 27/09/2024 01:25

I know teachers and they always have time for friends and family. No turning off phones there.

rainfallpurevividcat · 27/09/2024 04:16

I'm not a teacher but when I'm busy and stressed I feel that I don't have the headspace even for a simple message or text or phone call. Sometimes I'll manage to read it but not reply, then forget. Sometimes I set myself a reminder to reply the next day, or I will forget again.

AnywhereAnyoneAnyTime · 27/09/2024 05:04

For me the alarm bells would be ringing because,

OP says that at weekends when he’s with her he doesn’t look at his phone. And weekends when he’s not with her he doesn’t look at his phone. I’d be wondering who he is with.

It’s perfectly understandable that he doesn’t have time while he’s at work. But teaching really isn’t a 24 hours a day, 7 days a week job. Plus he seems to find the time to communicate when the OP isn’t falling over herself to text him.

A crucial element to make a ldr work is communication.

Mt563 · 27/09/2024 06:10

Honestly, it sounds like he just doesn't use his phone a lot (which I'd see as a good thing), has a busy job which means he has to cram extra work in before he can take a full weekend off to see you, and has a different communication style.

I'd definitely ask if he could text at the end of day or after tea. Some people need to be told you want to hear from them more. It's odd and baffling to me but it's how they are.

If he spent all this Sunday on work so he can visit you, would you trade this no contract Sunday for him doing a bit of work whilst he's with you? I suspect not but you may need to compromise.

BusyMum47 · 27/09/2024 08:18

@Celia24

If he's a teacher, of course he's suddenly been mega busy for the past month - school has started again after the Summer break!

I'm a teacher & we're not allowed to have our phones in our classrooms & genuinely don't get time to eat or pee half the time, let alone reply to messages - if you're texting him at 9:30am, he'll be in a lesson!

At the risk of bringing on the teacher bashing comments, most people can't comprehend just how all consuming a job it can be; sometimes leaving little time for anything else.

Bjorkdidit · 27/09/2024 09:15

Celia24 · 22/09/2024 18:52

@Catza I think the main issue is he didn't mention how things would change or what to expect. Just a major drop off without warning.

Not heard from him all day and that's not normal for us. Same thing two weekends ago

I probably am being needy but I love hearing from him during the day. I hope we can find a compromise.

Maybe it didn't occur to him that you'd need to be told that teachers are on holiday and available in August and then back to work and less available in September......

Plus a lot of people have recognised that phones can be a complete time drain so keep them off/out of reach. He won't have access to it during the working day anyway. No-one would think it's reasonable for a teacher to keep checking their phone while working to see if their partner had messaged them and reply if they have, which is what you're expecting him to do.

Could you agree to a couple of phone calls mid week while you're apart? He should be able to carve out 15-30 minutes to chat.

OutbackQueen · 27/09/2024 09:37

It’s not good enough OP. Sorry haven’t read through thread but have you discussed how this makes you feel? You’re not expecting anything remotely unreasonable and he’s not prioritising you.
I wouldn’t give him an ultimatum either. If he’s not wasn’t willing to maintain a decent amount of contact now you’ll be forever on the back foot. You need to decide if he’s worth it. Relationships shouldn’t be hard at the beginning, they should be enjoyable. Plenty of time for problems later!

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