To be annoyed he's taking 7-8 hours to reply now?

[Celia24]

Been together for a year. At the start he was working so much I barely heard from when we weren't on dates but this improved as the relationship got more serious. The whole summer was fine too.

Suddenly in the last month that communication pattern has gone back to how it was at the start. He mentioned he's bogged down with work - he's not AT work but he's prepping for teaching lessons.

When I say he doesn't reply I mean he's often actually switching off his phone so my message isn't even delivered on Whatsapp because he isn't opening it all day.

So today I messaged at 9.30 and I still haven't heard from him. Am I expecting too much?

You are being VERY unreasonable

He is WORKING, not out with ladies of the night

Why do you need to talk to him multiple times a day?

Ofcourse contact is going to be lower now he is back at work
That is just logical surely?

@Celia24

No you clearly said that you had moved in with each other

'We recently moved in together and have been squabbling more when we never did before. It's upsetting and doesn't benefit either of us.'

not ' We live at each others for periods for stretches of time, not all the time as we have our own places.'
and not ' we live 2.5 hours apart currently '

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon we live apart together but frequently together. We've started doing this for long periods in recent months for up to two weeks at a time since the summer.

For those periods we are living together - how else do you want me to put it? Does it matter?

I didn't ask for a textual analysis on previous threads but thanks anyway.

To be honest, I didn't know he would be working at weekends as well. So actually that is news to me.

I don't expect to hear from him much during the week.

Living together more permanently would probably resolve this - but I do also like having my own place.

There is a lot of truth to this. I was like that as a teacher.

Not that it matters per se, but you did clearly say you lived together and wouldn’t have moved in etc on the other thread.

Going to stay at your partners house for 2 weeks at a time is not living together by any measure.

I live apart from my partner of 3 years. I stayed at his for 6 weeks whilst I waiting for a property purchase to complete. I would not have described that as “moving in together” as it wasn’t permanent.I was staying with him.

I'm a teacher. Nobody has so much work they can't reply or look at their phone at the weekend. Also, if he's been teaching for a few years or more, you don't need all weekend to prep lessons unless massively disorganised.

It would be ringing alarm bells for me if a partner suddenly started turning off his phone on weekends with no warning.

Can you maybe "drop by with lunch as a surprise" one time to "support him" when he's like this? It would give you a bit more info to see his reaction.

He’s not that into you. It’s up to you if you are willing to put up with coming a very poor second to his job. (I wouldn’t..)

OP if you’re happy with him, genuinley happy and not settling and everything else is good… what he needs and what you need is just at odds right now. All you need to say is ‘I need…’ x amount of contact or two ten minute conversations a day or some time set aside where we talk and I know u can count on that etc… you’re not accusing him you’re just communicating your needs. I had a partner and we both had driving jobs and we literally talked all day long! I had another partner and we didn’t speak all day at all. It’s whatever you need and what he needs and sorting out a way to make it work for you both. Just say to him …. When xx happens I feel xxx swat. I need you to xxx, be very specific and honest…. Can you do that? That’s what I’d do.

I do not think this is a LTB case. Personally I'll be wondering why my bf is constantly having me on his mind while he should be concentrating on his work/hobbies/commitments that don't involve me. I do not need that level of contact, however that's my communication style so if my bf is not happy with that, I'll aimed to resolve the issues to OUR satisfaction, not just his. He will also have to let me know first. Again, I'm not a mind reader.

OP please sit down and have a proper chat with him. Good chance to see how he responds to issues like these too. I do believe if resolved, is a good chance to bring the two of you closer.

I think you should chat to him, lightly, explain carefully how you feel and then note his reaction. If he is calm back with you and explains, whether or not he says he will start to text you more, but actually takes your feelings in to consideration then you can forgive him.

The worst is the one I just dumped. It started with texts falling off a cliff, then physical touch, then saying anything nice to me whatsoever and on and on and each time I tried to bring it up I got attacked and told I was being needy. Or it was all in my head or whatever.

The final straw for me was literally getting jealous over how much attention he was giving to his fucking dog when we would barely even touch me.

They make alllll the effort at the start don’t they?

Teachers are known to have a lot of work to do outside the classroom, and September is particularly busy.
If he is seeing you on some weekends (and presumably not working very much on those weekends) he will be catching up on work on the other weekends, so not having much time to spend on the phone.

It may be that his style of communication simply doesn't suit you but it doesn't sound like he's doing anything unreasonable.

What a stupid thing to do. If you feel the need to "surprise" someone like that when they clearly told you they need time to concentrate, you may as well just leave them.
I tell you what his reaction is going to be, he will be acting happy to see you while getting progressively more anxious about his work as the time goes on. My partner would struggle even if I went into "his" room to offer him a cup of tea. I ended up taking myself out of the house on Sunday and returning at 6pm when he was ready to be a human again.

I was about to say I'm a teacher and wouldn't have time to reply from 7.30am until about 4.30pm!

I often have to choose between eating and peeing and you're expecting a 10 minute call?!?!??!!

YABU!

I'm a teacher (primary) and am insanely busy just now. I genuinely wouldn't date me! I don't date, actually, because I just can't commit to anything other than my work...which is UTTERLY depressing! It's not him (or you) it's the shit workload that is sucking his soul dry.

I think quite a lot of people turn off their phone, or just notifications, when they have work to do. We have a secondary school teacher in our family and she is currently loaded down with lessons prep/marking/ emails. And that's outside her actual working hours. My DS has his notifications off but is available for calls in an emergency.

In fact all the adults in my family do this. I haven't yet got over the idea that I must have my phone at hand at all times in case one of them has an emergency. I was working on it, then my elderly mother became ill....

In short, I don't think he's deliberately ignoring you 💐

If you see quite a lot of him, why is it important that he answers your messages so promptly?

You know his preference is to switch phone messages off when he isn't using it, some people find it difficult to multitask and/or aren't overly keen on messaging.

He could equally be thinking, why is she messaging me so much when she knows I need to concentrate on what I'm doing for periods of time.

Maybe you just aren't well suited as you have different communication styles.

My adult children do this. Work phones on during the day, personal phones off. They look at whatsapp etc once a day - usually in the early evening. They learned this at school and university when they were getting literally thousands of notifications a day. I think it is perfectly normal for young adults in busy jobs.

This comes across as needy this would be too much for me if I was single

I would have to explain if I am busy I am busy

The thing is though.. It was Sunday.
He didn’t have to be in the zone for the entire day. He really didn’t have time when he woke up to say good morning? He didn’t stop all day for a drink or lunch? Everyone has a spare second to contact people they are interested in.

This is a different younger generation where we do always have our phones close by. The people so say why do you need to speak throughout the day are obviously from a different generation or get to see their partner daily.

No, people don't always have a spare second to message people they care about. And it doesn't matter if it's a Sunday if that's when you have to work.

When I was self-employed, and to an extent this is still the case, my work ebbed and flowed. In the busiest times of year I essentially have to go into a "work cave" for several days (often over the weekend). This isn't just to get the actual work done but to keep my ideas flowing and keep myself in the zone where I actually do good work.

Breaking off to message friends or partners, especially when you haven't finished your work yet, is at best a mental distraction and at worst (if they expect a back-and-forth) a time-suck. It's good practice to switch your phone off completely and disable notifications, as the OP's partner does, and I wish I'd done that more.

When I first met DP I explained that there'd probably be some periods of time where I'd be incommunicado and he had to deal with that. And because he actually respects my work and my career... he did.

Is this the first September you've gone out with him? If you're still going out next year it won't be a surprise.

Whoever you go out with, you'll ultimately have to adapt to the rhythms of their work week/year. DP is a teacher and I also found it a bit jarring at first when he went from "acres of free time" to "snowed under forever" but that's because school holidays weren't on my radar then. Now, I look them up in advance and know exactly when he'll be busy or hanging around the house in holiday mode.

I'm not a teacher but my work has clear calendar-based ebbs and flows and he's got used to those too.

The trouble is I don't feel the Op would be content with a ' good morning ' text, she wants several full conversations throughout the day.

@Celia24 This wouldn't bother me at all. I hate it when people try to chat with me during my working hours. I used to have a boyfriend I adored. He used to ring me at work and I'd practically hang up on him and feel pissed off that he'd interrupted me, even though I thought he was the sexiest most interesting man alive. At work, I like to focus on work and nothing but work. (I also each - but adult ed. It is a very focused job - you do lose yourself in prep.)

But if he doesn't call you sometime in the evening or skips several days, I'd worry. Why not ask him when is a good time to chat on WhatsApp for him?