To be annoyed he's taking 7-8 hours to reply now?

[Celia24]

Been together for a year. At the start he was working so much I barely heard from when we weren't on dates but this improved as the relationship got more serious. The whole summer was fine too.

Suddenly in the last month that communication pattern has gone back to how it was at the start. He mentioned he's bogged down with work - he's not AT work but he's prepping for teaching lessons.

When I say he doesn't reply I mean he's often actually switching off his phone so my message isn't even delivered on Whatsapp because he isn't opening it all day.

So today I messaged at 9.30 and I still haven't heard from him. Am I expecting too much?

What's the point in being in a relationship with someone who never bothers with you? Holidays and weekends away are one thing, but it's the day to day that matters, surely?

@LouH5 yeah that's it. It's something I don't want to make into a big issue but it's not great

@sunsetsandboardwalks the thing is he contacted me multiple times a day until a month ago. For me it's sudden change. For him he'll probably say it's inevitable now teaching is starting back

Well, personally I wouldn't stay with someone like that.

All you can do is decide whether it's for you or not.

YABU to expect and demand an immediate response, nobody owes you immediate attention. He's explained his work is stressful, stop being so needy. Arrange a time to chat or talk when he isnt working rather than expecting him to respond to texts.

Me and DH work ebbs and flows, I'll message, he will respond if he's not busy, or it could be a couple hours later if he's b2b meetings, same for me. Don't assume that someone works to your timeline, offer an alternative to get what you need from the relationship

Did you maybe notice that until a month ago it was a school holiday… Honestly, I get how you feel because I also used to date a teacher. If it bothers you so much, you are not compatible in the slightest. I totally get why he would turn his phone off. Teachers have a mountain of work to do after we all clock off. The last thing they want to do is to be interrupted with texts and calls.

@Catza I think the main issue is he didn't mention how things would change or what to expect. Just a major drop off without warning.

Not heard from him all day and that's not normal for us. Same thing two weekends ago

I probably am being needy but I love hearing from him during the day. I hope we can find a compromise.

Stop messaging. Leave all communication up to him and leave him on delivered/read.

It rings alarms that he turns his phone off. I am understanding when people genuinely are busy but it sounds like he’s making no effort at all

@BabyR I think you're right.

I did this on Sat after a party on Friday. He was soon messaging again to ask how the party went when I didn't respond. Doesn't like when the shoe is on the other foot.

He's finally messaged this minute moaning about work.

@BabyR that's what I used to do. Eventually he never messaged back and that was that. Awkwardly he is now the Assistant Principal at DDs school so that's fun when I bump into him.

Be careful that he isn’t giving you just enough breadcrumbs to keep you around.

September is a crazy month for teachers

I'm an AHT. I don't have time to pee or have a cup of tea in September. I fall asleep in my clothes in the sofa every night. The extra demand of having to be in text contact would be impossible. I text my 93 year old mum each morning at 7 to say morning and check she's ok. I often don't get to read the reply until 4 or 5.

Either way I've decided I'll wait until I see him in person next weekend to bring it up

I'll give him the benefit for now because I know the pressure he is under and the effort he does make when we're together.

I've got plenty to keep me occupied with other plans this week. My needs matter too though and shouldn't be overshadowed by his.

But do you really need someone to text you several times a day? Why is your hppiness reliant on that? It would drive me nuts, especially when I'm busy. The expectation and pressure is the last thing I would want.

I suppose I got used to hearing from him every day multiple times. It has been our pattern.

I'd say maybe I need to be a bit less needy.

But I also don't want no contact for 7-8 hours to become the new norm. Maybe it is the time of year as others have said.

How can anyone teach but be in contact during the day? 7-8 hours is a normal (very short for teaching) working day. Do other professions spend their days on private texts?

I think it's totally the time of year. He's gone from 6 weeks holiday to quite likely working 18 hours per day. I would suggest that when you do talk next, fun, light relief from a stressful situation is the way to go rather than "we need to talk about why you never text me".

Turning off your phone is standard advice for people who want to concentrate on work during the working day. Eight hours without contact is hardly unusual or unreasonable for competent adults-how do you think couples managed before the invention of mobile phones?

@TotalAbsenceOfImperialRaiment I totally understand this yes and that I need to adjust expectations

I suppose I don't notice as much during my own working days Mon-Fri but on the weekends we're apart I do. Working weekends is new so he is less responsive

If he's contacting you after 7-8 hours, then you are getting some contact later in the day. I think it should be expected that this time of year is particularly busy for teachers, and that he'll do more work on weekends he isn't seeing you. After a year, I expect you're getting itchy feet about the commitment generally - either finding a "reason" to break it off, or looking for when you'll both dive into living together. Best to figure out which it is that you want and then have a proper chat about it, rather than getting silly about how long he takes to pick up his phone.

Until he retired my OH was a University lecturer and at exam marking time he could be marking papers for 12-15 hours all weekend and writing lectures or exam papers in the week at other times, so i would just leave him to it as he needed to concentrate on his work

You are being SO unreasonable! Everyone has the right to switch off and focus on whatever they like. Also it sounds like he is replying to you same day, which is not the same as ignoring you.

If you want a future with him you need to seriously consider how his job is going to affect his life, and therefore your relationship.

Teaching is all consuming, draining and exhausting at certain points in the year and this is one of them. It’s why the holidays exist. It’s just different to other jobs that balance out more evenly across the year. It is not a reflection of how much teachers love and care for their partners, friends and families.

If you want to be with this man long term then you absolutely should let him know that it’s hard on you, but at the same time, recognise that this is when he needs some support too. He won’t be loving this time of year, I promise you.

I am fully in favour of women making sure they they are heard and respected in their relationships and having all their needs met, but asking him for something that he just can’t do, or that is going to be really difficult for him isn’t going to contribute to a happy healthy relationship.

Why not talk to him and say you'd love to have more contact and what would be the best way for him. Maybe a quick phone call before work would work better for example. Seems like he's trying to find a sensible way to clear his enormous workload and any distractions mean he'll end up actually working longer. A quick text can totally take you out of flow and take up to an hour to actually get back into it. There must be a way that works for you both.

I don't think anyone's really unreasonable, I'm a teacher and tbh I've barely contacted anyone in 2 weeks because I'm snowed with work for school. A previous poster mentioned that it is a weird job that sucks all of your time, and they are right.
However, if the level of contact is not right for you, then it's perfectly ok for you to draw that as a boundary line and see if the relationship stands. I think 12 months in is an interesting time in relationships, you've likely dropped a lot of the 'polite pretence' from the first few months so now it's time to see if you really align.