Another inheritance one

[Thomasina79]

Our will divides our estate into three equally between three siblings. However one child cut us off, not seen for 12 years, never seen grandchildren, second child has only limited contact and treats us pretty rudely .Third child we are on good terms with and see a lot. Should will be changed so third child gets everything? Please be kind as a lot of hurt has come out of this situation. If you cannot say anything nice then say nothing. Opinions only

Inheritance is absolutely your choice. However, unless it is some crime or addiction as StrawberryJamPud points out, you will showing even in death that you do not care and you are using inheritance to punish them. The relationship between your children will never be the same and it really is such a sad situation. Is this really what you want? Is there really no other way to resolve your estrangement?

I wouldn't cut them out, but possibly leave 1 and 2 (or their kids) a quarter share each, and child 3 a half share to reflect likely care and assistance load that will likely fall on them as the only child who has remained in contact with you

@Thomasina79 - reframe this. Your will is your last message to your loved ones.

do you love your three children equally? Do you value them equally? Do you wish you had a close relationship with all three?

think about the last message you want to send to your 3 children.

Maybe consider splitting the 2/3rds of the NC siblings into equal splits for any resulting grandchildren, so you're not benefitting your children but you're not disinheriting the offspring? Even though you don't see them, that's not their fault or choice.

As others have said, it depends. What do you value most?
Do you want to send a message that ‘we were close to you, so you get everything p, we weren’t close to you so you get nothing’? If so go for it and sod the divisions and recriminations that will follow, you’ll be dead.
Do you want to send a message of ‘you’re all our children whether we were able to maintain a relationship or not’. There’ll probably still be bad feelings but they’ll be recoverable. But you won’t have to deal with them as you’ll be dead.
In my experience of working with families there are always some difficult dynamics and none is completely without fault. We’re all human.

Everything should go to the 3rd!

Are you actually the third child in this scenario? It's really not your place to control your parents' will, regardless of how you feel about your siblings.

OP I'm very sorry you've had this experience, not dissimilar to mine & absolutely heartbreaking not to have the chance to see grandchildren.
It's totally your choice. We are leaving money to the children that do see us, & our grandchildren when they get old enough (we have had a relationship with them but dd cut us off 5 years ago), it's not their choice. But if they also want nothing to do with us when they get old enough to choose then sadly we probably won't give anything to them either. I'd reach out to them though when they get to 18 plus.
The will is about what you want you must be true to yourself.

As someone said above, your estate, your choice.

I don't have any contact with my parents and as such I expect nothing when they die. If they did leave me something I wouldn't decline it, but I genuinely have zero expectation.

I'd split it three ways equally. That would then be your legacy and what your grandchildren would know of you.

Exactly this.

My MIL has disinherited my DH to control and punish him. She thinks she's the victim and truly believes this telling every person who'll listen. She emotionally abused my husband for years, turned his whole family and family friends against him, then she disinherited him when he broke free of her clutches.

Only now, years later, are those that believed her finally learning that she is actually the evil monster in all of this.

She's left everything to DH's brother, who is already rich. We've accepted it, at least we've not had to put up with her for years after we escaped her. Even recently, she was still spouting venom against DH to another family member. They no longer believe a word she says.

This sounds incredibly upsetting. Wills send a message as well as passing on resources. What message do you want to give? If some part of you still loves all your children equally and wishes the unknown grandchildren well, you might want to leave the will as it is, sharing the inheritance between them.

I would leave a token gift to the estranged child (£1000 etc) that way they can not contest the will, as they have been considered. Maybe a proportion to the second, depending on how you feel about their behaviour (say 10-30%) only you can judge this, with the remainder to the close child. That’s just an idea, but really it’s your estate so do what feels right for you. x

@Thomasina79 I am in a similar situation. Eldest son not engaged with any of us for 7 years, only maintains a relationship with his brother (who is disabled and unable to manage his financial affairs).

I have two sons, husband has three children.

Our wills are - all to spouse and then or if we both die together the five children get 20% each. However my oldest son gets one fifth of the 20% with the remaining 4/5ths going to any children he has when they are 25.

We've done this for a couple of reasons. Firstly completely disinheriting gives a risk of a challenge to the Will, but leaving a small legacy means as parents we took into account the estrangement but acknowledge he is still one of us. Equally the grandchildren will receive a sum more than equivalent to what we would have spent at birthdays and Christmas and they will know they were loved and cared for, despite possibly never knowing us.

If you do completely disinherit there is a risk the son who gets everything is pursued by the other two for what they believe to be their share and this could cause him unwanted stress and estrangement from his siblings (if he isn't already).

It's a very personal decision and only you know what you want to do but if you do disinherit, a good solicitor should advise you to do this, but in any event include a letter to each disinherited child explaining your reasons why (helps if it goes to court as there is a clear intent to disinherit).

I should add that our disabled son has no income and lives in accommodation paid for by the local clinical commissioning group and local authority and that situation won't change. As a result of this his money will be put into a trust for him and managed for him appropriately.

I hope this helps. When we give birth we never expect our beautiful babies to grow up and hurt and destroy us do we?

It's your choice. I would say if you choose to leave some out of the will please make sure your will is iron clad you can prove you were of sound mind etc and you tell the children you leave out as otherwise there may be claims against it once you die, which cause much more distress.

Well it's your choice but it's also your choice to not repair a relationship with your children and it's also your choice to cause damage, whether you have in the past or not. Personally I think you're still a parent and your will be your last act of giving in a material sense. Splitting it equally will say something to all of your children, cutting one of them out or reducing it says another but perhaps there is the temptation to continue meddling when you're not here. It's hard to know but I think equally is the way I would go. If your estranged child doesn't want it they can donate it or give it to the other. I agree with the suggestion however of helping the child you're in contact with when you're around however which reduces the size of the problem

Your will your choice.

I would agree with the sentiments on the thread that every effort should be made to mend family fractures whilst everyone is still alive. However I also know that in some situations that is not possible and sometimes children can behave appallingly, as well as parents. In a case close to me a child attempted to steal a substantial amount of cash from a parent and went no contact when challenged. Even then, the parents still helped with a deposit for a house- which the parents know they will never be welcome to visit. After some years I can see that is difficult to give the value of your house to someone who categorically would never allow you in theirs.

Why do two of your children want nothing to do with you? Is that their fault or yours, or equal, in your opinion?

If it helps, I cut contact with my parents years ago. I want nothing to do with them and that includes no inheritance.

Two of your children have gone no contact, what did you do to them? I'm no contact with my abusive parents and expect nothing from them, nor will I accept it.

Your choice. However I'd look at the bigger picture here...would this effect my child s relationship with his or her siblings.

It is strange two of your children have no contact with you

I love my children unconditionally so I would not treat any of them unfavorably in my will. The only exceptions I can immediately think of, being addictions or a likelihood of the money being used to fund criminal activity.

Adult children rarely just decide to cut off a parent for no reason. In fact, we are deeply programmed to retain a relationship with our parents even when it is toxic and abusive and it's usually very difficult to break free. So the fact that two of your children have decided it's better for their families to not be in contact with you raises many questions. Without knowing how this situation came about, there is no way anyone could offer meaningful advice on the inheritance issue.

Agreed.

If I were doing this, I would try very hard to think of the estranged child with love, not punishment. If you are determined to do this, I would leave a set amount to them perhaps with the bulk going to the one you see.

But do ask yourselves honestly why 2 out of your 3 children either don't speak to you, or barely do. There's clearly a lot of pain there, and it is unlikely to be all the fault of one party.

It also depends on whether you see your estate as payment, or a gift. If the latter, is the lasting memory that you want your kids to have of you that in your final act you disowned/punished them further?

I think it depends if the siblings are friends. I'm one of four and my siblings are all a little estranged from my mum - no malice involved, they're just all males who can't be bothered. I'm the only girl and have her only grandchildren. She's been talking recently about leaving it all to me and I've said I'm not comfortable with that. But by all means apportion some to my kids - she would like to pay school fees for my daughter for example. So I think you need to tread carefully not to make the siblings hate each other but if they already do then to be honest just do what you like.