Another inheritance one

[Thomasina79]

Our will divides our estate into three equally between three siblings. However one child cut us off, not seen for 12 years, never seen grandchildren, second child has only limited contact and treats us pretty rudely .Third child we are on good terms with and see a lot. Should will be changed so third child gets everything? Please be kind as a lot of hurt has come out of this situation. If you cannot say anything nice then say nothing. Opinions only

Exactly this.

Do what you want with your money.

I would aim for optimism. If the rifts can’t heal during your lifetime, at least give the siblings a chance a solid relationship.

stay neutral and split your assets evenly. Otherwise you risk your arguments carrying into the next generation.

if there are substance abuse or mental health issues that make an inheritance problematic, then skip that adult and split their portion among the grandchildren. You are still sending the same amount of money along each branch, but you won’t add fuel to a known problem.

I think doing that is just a petty way to strike back at the dc you want to act differently from beyond the grave.

Regardless of their behaviour, don't you love your dc? If so, don't deliberately hurt them.

Using money to punish and reward their choices will feel like control.

Your money, your choice.

Maybe your children will choose to give some of their inheritance to their siblings.
Maybe their sibling will challenge the will.

Maybe it'll cause a lot of pain and a massive rift.

Maybe the disinherited sibling won't give a flying fuck and will just be relieved you're dead.

Whatever happens, you'll be dead so you won't have to witness the fallout. 🤷

I don't think anyone can advise you. Only you know how you feel.
It's your choice.
But you might want to think about how it would make your children feel and if that is what you want. Also you should consider your grandchildren who you say you haven't seen for 12 years but that's probably not their fault.

If you are in the UK I would give the preferred child a chunk now before the government changes the inheritance rules.
My brother is estranged from my parents - my mother is leaving him his share as she wants him to know she continued to love him. I think my dad is leaving my brother's share to my brother's kids.
I think do what is right for you. They are doing what is right for them.

Unless your children are drug addicts or serious criminals, my opinion is that it should all be equal to reflect the equality of love you have for all your children. It would be helpful to spend the money on counselling to work out what went wrong with your relationships to see if it is possible to build bridges at least with your second child while you are still alive.

It’s unusual for 2 out of 3 children to not speak to their parents. I’m sorry this is the case OP.

I'd consider how much any legacy might mean to them - whether it's going to give someone financial security, or just let them splash out on a one off holiday, for example.

I would be more comfortable with an even split if I were any of the children, but especially if I was going to inherit and my siblings weren't as well off as me. If it's not a large amount, I wouldn't be so uncomfortable.

There's no wrong choice here. Maybe you would be able to talk to your third child and see what they think?

I would split evenly with giving the sentimental (jewellery) tk the child you have contact with.
I would choose the path of love

Hmm. I'd think carefully. Obviously I appreciate there is likely a massive back story and a lot of hurt so I don't want to cause upset.

But inheritance is the last communication you have with your children. Do you with ill-will towards the one you're estranged from or do you feel sad? As this is the last message you'll ever be giving them. Sorry to be blunt but it's true. Their last memory of you will be whether you deemed them as worthy as their sibling/s. Not doing things equally also potentially means the nail in the coffin for sibling relationships.

I would probably bypass the estranged children and leave their share to your grandchildren. Your DGCs have done nothing wrong (presumably) and will forever thank you for the helping hand you gave them at a young age.

I feel as though replies saying that it’s morally correct to split money equally haven’t been left holding the bag when one sibling disappears. Enormous amounts of care are often left to individual children and often to the female children. In many cases one child reduces hours at work, leaves their job, moves the older relative into their home, or spends enormous amounts of money to care for the the older person. This needs to be recognised to at least place the child doing the caring back into the same position as the other child.

In my experience informal arrangements are often made when an older person promises a child a larger portion of the estate if they reduce their hours at work to become a part or full time carer. The child who hasn’t been very present returns and only sees the unfairness in the will. Here the morally correct thing is to compensate the child who reduced their hours accordingly. This isn’t a reward for good behaviour, it’s an acknowledgement of the career sacrifices and expensive associates work becoming a carer.

OP, make sure you take the care that your third child has done or will do into account. It they have made sacrifices then recognise that. I personally think it’s quite unfair to leave money to a child that you are no contact with. They have likely not thought favourably of you in life so why leave them a pile of money which they will or appreciate in death.

When my mum died her will was successfully challenged by my step father. He was excluded from her will. Have a look at the 1975 Inheritance Act and see if it could apply to your situation. If your disinherited children challenged your will then the child inheriting would have to go through a hideous legal process. Took us a year.

It is tricky.

When 'FIL' (we're not actually married) talked to DP and I about his will, I wasn't overly keen on the idea of him cutting out DP's sibling on the grounds that they are pretty much NC (siblings doing)...

FIL and DP were quite keen, but I really fear the reprisals as the NC sibling is a pretty vociferous and bullish person and highly unlikely to leave it, and VERY likely to make wild claims that he/we have conned FIL in some way.

I dunno what the will currently says specifically but it does leave them each something, I don't think its an even split though, which I am not really happy about but ultimately, they asked for my input, they've no obligation to do as I say!

(and for those who say 'well what business is it of yours' - they both asked for my input, and FIL often specifically asks me grown up adulty shit as I am pretty fair and sensible but will also tell him if he is being a dick/won't necessarily tell him what he wants to hear. I would be the one picking up the pieces if NC comes after DP and I!)

I’m estranged from my parents, I don’t expect anything at all from them if that helps.

@Thomasina79 please do not be tempted to do this!!! all this will do is cause further division between siblings forever. it will just reiterate in the minds of the two who are being disinherited that their feelings have been validated and that you never did value or love them!! it is a horrible thing to do to your children, if not downright vindictive!

Also op, where has the suggestion of leaving it to the one in contact come from? Was it a conversation they started?

The reason I said to tread carefully is the reasons for being no contact can be complicated. It's very simplistic to suggest as a pp did that those that are estranged are in the wrong and the one/s in contact are the "good children". My parents are not in contact with all of their children. It is not the children in question that are at fault.

I would financially help the third child that you’re closest to as much as you can while you are still alive, but treat them all equally in death. At the end of the day (or at the end of your life) they are all your children and all deserve to feel that you love them equally no matter what because being a mother is about unconditional love. I know inheritance isn’t love, but it looks very much like it when your parent has just died.

I think you need to consider what the impact of any change would be and the relationship between the siblings.

Which child is going to be doing your shopping, your admin , and taking you to health appointments when you are older ? Which one will be organising carers or helping you find a care home you are happy with, when the time comes? Who will be visiting you, acting as your champion with adult services, doing the heavy lifting when your house is emptied and sold? Giving up time and energy, and missing out on family time to support you?

If one of my children cut me out of their life, I would have no issue cutting them out of my will. You shouldn’t just expect an inheritance- it really is a last gift to someone you love, and personally I see it as a huge thank you to my kids for all the love and care they have given me. I wouldn’t give anything to anyone who I hadn’t seen in 12 years.

It depends. Do the siblings all get along? If so I wouldn't want to cut anyone out and ruin their relationship even if I didn't have one with them.

None of this may be needed. None of the children may do it.

And inheritances should not be about who provides most support just before death.
What about time spent supporting parents in earlier years? Or does that not count?

Re leaving a portion to the grandchildren. Whilst this is a lovely suggestion, I wanted to add my experience. My father was an only child who had a complicated relationship with his mother, however he visited her every weekend and phoned to check on her every night. He was a dutiful son if not affectionate. She was never affectionate towards him either. He inherited only half of her estate and my brother and I inherited the rest. She was gone so he couldn’t direct his anger or disappointment at her. Instead he took it out on us. We had a difficult relationship with him at the best of times, but he never forgave us for taking ‘his’ inheritance. Resentment can be directed at the next generation too, it seems.