Another inheritance one

[Thomasina79]

Our will divides our estate into three equally between three siblings. However one child cut us off, not seen for 12 years, never seen grandchildren, second child has only limited contact and treats us pretty rudely .Third child we are on good terms with and see a lot. Should will be changed so third child gets everything? Please be kind as a lot of hurt has come out of this situation. If you cannot say anything nice then say nothing. Opinions only

One child wants nothing to do with you and one wants only limited contact. Suggests you were the cause of the estrangement. If that's so, it's it fair to leave those two children with less? I think the reason for the estrangement is key here.

A member of my family fell out with one of her 2 adult children. Even though there had been some repair before they died the will was split 50% to one adult child, 20% to the one they fell out with and 10% to each of the 3 grandchildren (who were from both of the adults). The one who inherited 50% wanted to split the will more evenly so each adult would get 35% with the grandchildren keeping their 10% each. The adult who had the reduced amount said it was their parents choice to reduce their share and so they wanted to leave it as it was written. It has actually brought the siblings closer but might not have the same effect in other families.

Split your will however you want and if you want to leave the majority to one child then go ahead! Your money, your choice.

Yes definitely.

It depends on the reason for the estrangement with 2 of your children. Were you at fault in any way? If so, cutting them out of any inheritance will just compound the injustice.

However, it is entirely your decision how you leave your money.

I believe it's not easy to challenge a Will. Fairness doesn't come into it, there would have to be suspicion that the Will was made under coercion. That's how I understand it, having been disinherited

Why don't you split estranged child's 1/3 between all grandchildren? Means you are not punishing their kids but equally drawing a line in the sand with regard to that child.

Thing is, like is always the case in these situations, we can’t say whether fair or not, because there’s probably a big back story if two of your dcs have no, or very limited, contact with you. In my experience, children will only go no contact if there’s been a lot of hurt and drama. It’s your property/money, and you should do as you please with it, whether we think it fair or not is irrelevant, because we’re not privy to the full history of your lives.

I think this is perfectly acceptable.

DH is one of three siblings. One of them went NC with PILs many, many years ago (over 30) when his wife fell out with them. Since then he has got divorced but has never made any effort to re-establish contact, even though DH and the other sibling have tried reaching out to him on several occasions, eg to let him know about illnesses and so on. He didn't even come to MILs funeral.

I know FIL is planning to split his estate between DH and other sibling and cut their brother out. At one time I believe he was planning to leave a token amount to each grandchild, including the one he never sees due to NC. However I am not sure that is still the case with NC grandson, who will now be a man in his mid 30s. Presumably he is quite old enough to have been in contact himself if he wanted to.

Your money, your choices. Enjoy the money in the meantime. 🙂

Do the estranged children have children of their own? If so, I would leave their "share" to the grandchildren. I suspect they do not want anything from you.

I am afraid my assumption is that if 2 children are estranged, that the issue is likely to lie with you, and that the third child is the golden child and treated much better. If you leave them all/the lions share of the money, it will only reinforce what the other siblings already know.

Don't forget unless you both die at the same time, one of you will carry the can.

Dad dies, leaves everything to mum. Everyone's happy.

Mum dies and leaves to favourite child...mum is the asshole and dad is the Saint. Dad would never have done this etc etc.

In Scotland it's different in the fact that no succeeding person is written out.

Rather than disinherit them completely, reduce their share. Child 1 can get 10%, Child 2 gets 30% and child 3 gets 60%

However, before making such a drastic decision, speak to someone impartial about WHY your first child has cut you off completely and why the second is rude to you. Is it a result of your behaviour towards them? If so, you’ll need someone else to point it out to you because you won’t see it yourself. Then if this is the case, disinheriting them just adds to the wrong you’ve done to them even more.

Surely the one who has cut Op off won't be expecting anything for themselves or their children?

I would still split the estate equally- irrespective of any sense of morals, it would be awful if your estranged children were to contest the will, with all of your estate going to lawyers and an irreparable relationship between the siblings.

If you are not willing to leave a share to your estranged children, could you bypass them and leave their share to grandchildren?

If you only have a relationship with only one child, there’s nothing to stop you spending money on them while you are alive.

Without knowing the full story, it’s very difficult to know whether your descriptions are fair.

It's unusual that the majority of your children have a strained relationship with you.

I doubt they will expecting anything anyway.

You won’t be here so what do you want to leave? Discord? Disharmony? A family who are fighting after an already difficult time?

Give Child 3 some of it now while you are alive if you can, to help them with housing, whatever, and don't tell the other two. Then split what is left equally in will.

having had this happen to our family I would seriously think long and hard about how it might affect the siblings relationships. All three of us were left differing amounts and it ended up causing so much hurt and jealously between us all that two sisters ended up not speaking at all because they expected a share from the other’s inheritance. Money can really mess up relationships.

Don’t use money to control and punish your children. It will ruin any chance of a good relationship for your children and leave never ending hurt and ill feeling.

I know going NC/LC is a bit of a fad nowadays - and in some cases an overreaction - but I agree with others who say it's extremely unlikely that you are blameless if two out of you three children want little or nothing to do with you. Unfortunately my parents were completely blind to their own faults and obvious favouritism towards my sibling (and would bleat to friends and family about what a terrible daughter I was, when I was the one who looked after them in the end) so I'm always a bit suspicious of this sort of thing. So my first piece of advice would be to be really honest with yourself about the reasons for estrangement. Maybe you really are blameless, but it's likely to be more complex than that.

Secondly, unless your estranged child/ren have committed some utterly heinous crime and/or have serious addictions, leaving them (and indeed, their children) significantly worse off would be a morally bankrupt thing to do. If you really can't bear to leave anything to the children you chose to bring into this world, at least include their children in your will. Why would you want to risk causing even more upset between the three siblings after your death? Quite honestly, it'd be fairer to spend the lot before you go.

Only you know why you have no contact with your DC. Have you hurt them emotionally ? If you think that may be the case I would split 1/3 to all. If you are sure you are beyond reproach I would leave the DC whom you have no contact with nothing. I would leave a sum for DGC though. Make sure to talk to a lawyer first because If you make a will that can be disputed according to inheritance laws it will be a pain for your close DC. Also make sure that any financial gifts you give now won't count towards inheritance. Think about what you want, there is no right or wrong and then talk to a lawyer so that everything is in order.

This but I love my children unconditionally. Equal shares in my will.

It depends on so much - you've given your view of the family dynamics, but I wonder what theirs is?

Is the child who you are on good terms with actually your "golden child" favourite who can do no wrong in your eyes? Have the other two been belittled abd criticised and forced into a scapegoat role such that they needed to remove themselves from your environs to protect their sanity?

It takes a lot for an adult child to walk away from their family. Whatever thier flaws as individuals, those didn't arise spontaneously but grew organically out of some form of pain and unmet need.

Rather than hoarding your wealth to use it as a way of further point-scoring after you are gone, why not spend it now on some deep family therapy to work out why your family is so broken and seek healing and resolution. If they don't inherit a penny but instead get the peace of mind that comes from both being forgiven and being able to forgive, then that's a much better inheritance.

Be careful. This might count towards inheritance depending on the sum and local legislation. Check with a lawyer before making any donations.