I think I am probably being unreasonable, but only by being unreasonable can I achieve the thing I believe will make me happy.
My greatest wish has always been to be happily married.
That's not a fashionable aspiration, I know, but however much I have lied to myself that being single is being 'free', 'independent', not having to put up with another person's annoying habits, I am not convinced.
Apart from a brief, unhappy marriage in my twenties, I have never been in a proper relationship.
I have friends, hobbies a secure (if modestly paid) job and my own (very small) home. I know I am better off than many people, but I feel desperately unhappy and unfulfilled. I just want a life-partner to share life's joys, plans and problems.
In the last year, I attended a school reunion. There I met Graham, who had been in the year above me at school. We immediately hit it off and spent most of the evening catching up together. Like me, he moved away from our home town many years ago. He had never married, but lived with his long-term partner. He spoke of Angela a lot and told me she has some kind of long-term health problems.
He is everything I have ever wanted in a man. We had so much in common and so much to talk about. I fell in love with him that evening.
He was staying with his parents for the week while Angela stayed with her parents about 20 miles away. She planned to join him later before they travelled home together.
I had only booked to stay in my hotel for the weekend, so I extended my booking so I could spend as much time as possible with Graham. He made it clear he only wanted us to be friends, but I still hoped for more.
He and Angela had been together for 15 years and I thought (or hoped) that he remained with her out of habit or pity. The fact that they were spending a week apart visiting their respective families suggested to me that the relationship was not strong and I was certain he liked me a lot, even if he was too decent to cheat on Angela.
He told me that they had a holiday cottage in the Lake District. He often goes there alone, because he enjoys hillwalking and Angela's health problems prevent her climbing hills.
We met every day after that. Always in public and always as friends. Our friendship became strong and quite intense.
We had planned just to meet for a drink on our last evening, because he was busy during the day, but I bumped into him and Angela in town during the morning. He introduced me to her and she seemed pleasant enough.
Later that afternoon, Graham sent me a text message saying he wouldn't be able to meet me that evening after all, because he and Angela had decided to go home early.
I was desperately disappointed.
A few weeks went by and I didn't hear from him, so sent him a text message thanking him for an enjoyable week and asking after him and Angela. He quickly replied and we started regularly exchanging friendly messages.
Our messages to each other mean so much to me and even this small part of him is better than nothing, but I want him so much it hurts. I dream that we are together and wake up hurting and disappointed that he is with Angela.
Yesterday morning, I called him and suggested we meet next month to celebrate my birthday. He was busy and couldn't talk for long, but suggested I send him a message with dates and details so he could put it in his diary.
Encouraged by his positive response, I sent a text message suggesting we meet in the Lake District. I said I would book into a hotel, but hoped he would invite me to stay in his holiday cottage with him.
I didn't hear anything until this morning when he sent me a message saying he enjoyed our friendship, but felt it would not be appropriate to meet as I had suggested. He said he was sorry if he had given the wrong impression, but he loves Angela and they are planning to marry next year (he has never told me that before).
The real killer though, and the thing I can't get out of my head, because it seems so unfair is that he ended the message saying, that he likes me a lot and maybe if we had met before he knew Angela that things might have been different.
How do I get over this?
My closest friend says I was unreasonable to get involved with a man in a committed relationship, but for the reasons I have said, I didn't regard it as committed.
She has also said I should go no contact with him, but for me just being friends with him is better than nothing. I couldn't bear to think of life without him in it.