Lost Opportunity for Happiness

[WaitingForAlexander]

I think I am probably being unreasonable, but only by being unreasonable can I achieve the thing I believe will make me happy.

My greatest wish has always been to be happily married.

That's not a fashionable aspiration, I know, but however much I have lied to myself that being single is being 'free', 'independent', not having to put up with another person's annoying habits, I am not convinced.

Apart from a brief, unhappy marriage in my twenties, I have never been in a proper relationship.

I have friends, hobbies a secure (if modestly paid) job and my own (very small) home. I know I am better off than many people, but I feel desperately unhappy and unfulfilled. I just want a life-partner to share life's joys, plans and problems.

In the last year, I attended a school reunion. There I met Graham, who had been in the year above me at school. We immediately hit it off and spent most of the evening catching up together. Like me, he moved away from our home town many years ago. He had never married, but lived with his long-term partner. He spoke of Angela a lot and told me she has some kind of long-term health problems.

He is everything I have ever wanted in a man. We had so much in common and so much to talk about. I fell in love with him that evening.

He was staying with his parents for the week while Angela stayed with her parents about 20 miles away. She planned to join him later before they travelled home together.

I had only booked to stay in my hotel for the weekend, so I extended my booking so I could spend as much time as possible with Graham. He made it clear he only wanted us to be friends, but I still hoped for more.

He and Angela had been together for 15 years and I thought (or hoped) that he remained with her out of habit or pity. The fact that they were spending a week apart visiting their respective families suggested to me that the relationship was not strong and I was certain he liked me a lot, even if he was too decent to cheat on Angela.

He told me that they had a holiday cottage in the Lake District. He often goes there alone, because he enjoys hillwalking and Angela's health problems prevent her climbing hills.

We met every day after that. Always in public and always as friends. Our friendship became strong and quite intense.

We had planned just to meet for a drink on our last evening, because he was busy during the day, but I bumped into him and Angela in town during the morning. He introduced me to her and she seemed pleasant enough.

Later that afternoon, Graham sent me a text message saying he wouldn't be able to meet me that evening after all, because he and Angela had decided to go home early.

I was desperately disappointed.

A few weeks went by and I didn't hear from him, so sent him a text message thanking him for an enjoyable week and asking after him and Angela. He quickly replied and we started regularly exchanging friendly messages.

Our messages to each other mean so much to me and even this small part of him is better than nothing, but I want him so much it hurts. I dream that we are together and wake up hurting and disappointed that he is with Angela.

Yesterday morning, I called him and suggested we meet next month to celebrate my birthday. He was busy and couldn't talk for long, but suggested I send him a message with dates and details so he could put it in his diary.

Encouraged by his positive response, I sent a text message suggesting we meet in the Lake District. I said I would book into a hotel, but hoped he would invite me to stay in his holiday cottage with him.

I didn't hear anything until this morning when he sent me a message saying he enjoyed our friendship, but felt it would not be appropriate to meet as I had suggested. He said he was sorry if he had given the wrong impression, but he loves Angela and they are planning to marry next year (he has never told me that before).

The real killer though, and the thing I can't get out of my head, because it seems so unfair is that he ended the message saying, that he likes me a lot and maybe if we had met before he knew Angela that things might have been different.

How do I get over this?

My closest friend says I was unreasonable to get involved with a man in a committed relationship, but for the reasons I have said, I didn't regard it as committed.

She has also said I should go no contact with him, but for me just being friends with him is better than nothing. I couldn't bear to think of life without him in it.

YANBU to want to be in a happy relationship.
YABU to have spent so much time and effort on someone who isn't available, in the hopes of him leaving his partner for you.

I think Graham gave you some companionship and showed an interest in you as a person (not as a potential partner) which you have latched onto and envisioned a life with him. I think you should look up 'limerance' because this sounds like what this was.

Of course you should have a nice relationship with someone, but meeting someone who is partnered is not the way to find it. Block Grahams number and start finding other ways to be social. Join interest groups in your local area, join Facebook social groups where people arrange to meet, go and do a night class.

To me you just sound lonely. Instead of wasting your time fixating on someone who isn't available, focus on building your own circle so that you haven't got a belief that a man is going to make life better for you.

Wow poor Angela. I also have similar health problems to her and my partner and I do things separately, for example I can’t go for long hike either. Why would they doing things separately mean you think he’s available???

We have been together a similar amount of time and we trust each other completely and will also marry one day. I’m so glad my partners not recently been to a school reunion as if he had of course he’d go alone to see old friends and I’d never expect someone to behave like that.

You’ve created a fantasy with him starring as your knight in shining armor but the reality isn’t working now.

STOP CHASING HIM. He has told you he is not interested in romance with you, that he loves and will marry his partner.

Stop cooking up scenarios where he runs into your arms and you two live happily ever after. He is not single. He is not interested in you that way. You’re projecting all your own shit onto him and no matter how much you wish this will not end in your favor.

A therapist can help you work through this and get your goals and priorities straight. Trying to be home wrecker isn’t a good look.

For now, whenever you think about him pinch yourself hard or splash cold water on your face, this madness needs to end before you do something really stupid you can’t come back from.

My closest friend says I was unreasonable to get involved with a man in a committed relationship, but for the reasons I have said, I didn't regard it as committed.

You had no basis to conclude it wasn't a committed relationship. You completely made it up in your head.

He had never married, but lived with his long-term partner. He spoke of Angela a lot

Clue 1: He lives with her. Clue 2: He talked about her a lot. Men in the market for a monkey-bar relationship don't bang on about the relationship they are trying to leave. They act like the woman doesn't exist.

He and Angela had been together for 15 years and I thought (or hoped) that he remained with her out of habit or pity. The fact that they were spending a week apart visiting their respective families suggested to me that the relationship was not strong and

Clue 3: They have been together 15 years. That's a hell of a time. How could you concluded that it wasn't committed.

Then this is where we get to your leap into a fantasy relationship! He's with her out of pity and because they are doing things separately, their relationship is not strong!??!?! WTAF. An ability to let your partner do things alone is actually a sign of great security and independence.

You built yourself a fantasy relationship because you are lonely.

https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-dreamer-the-shopper-have-you-inadvertently-found-yourself-in-a-fantasy-relationship/

I don’t think it’s that deep. I think he paid her some friendly attention and was nice to her and she’s run away with the idea she’s madly in love and he’s not happy and she can get to be with him and marry him. I know it’s sad, but I think it is no more than that. He was nice to her and friendly. And it’s triggered this obsession.

At least he is more decent human than you. Lot of single men out there waiting to find love/sex/companionship.. why to try to have an affair with a married man?

I fell in love with him that evening.

First of all, you didn’t fall in love with him in one evening.

You just became infatuated (and obsessive).

We could have told you just from reading your thread that he had no romantic feelings for you (before he said it).

He was trying to be kind by saying about meeting you first.
Don’t let this give you false hope.

You are hurting yourself by being in contact with this man.

You have to delete all forms of communication else you will never move on.

He’ll be happily married and living his life and you will be wasting your life too busy pining for someone you can never have.

Have you ever tried online dating?
It’s not perfect but unless you meet new people, then you won’t ever find someone to settle down with.

I think you need to face reality. You were homing in on another woman's man and had this fantasy in your head. Forget about him and maybe get some sort of therapy.

He is everything I have ever wanted in a man. We had so much in common and so much to talk about. I fell in love with him that evening.

1 evening of conversation and you 'fell in love with him'.
No.
That's not love. That's lust. Or desperation. Or fantasyland. Or a bit of all 3. But that is definitely not love.

Love is getting to know someone over time, commitment after time, hard work over time. Your 'evening' involved none of that.

Please stop pursuing this poor man and get some counselling for yourself.

Whoah you are giving desperado vibes, not attractive! You do realise even if he breaks up with his fiancée he’ll probably meet you for a quick rebound shag and move on. This will never be the romantic running into the sunset you think it might be.

Cut all ties, forget about him - find someone else. This is not healthy for anybody.

Oh dear op. I think you were obviously reading into things that frankly weren't there. But Grahams told you clearly now so you can stop doing that.
Delete his number.

You need to leave him alone! Move on, recognise that you were in the wrong, and make an intention to begin a healthy relationship in the future(with somebody who isn't in a relationship).

I think it was pretty naive of you to assume him and his partner attending separate plans happening at the same time meant their relationship was on the rocks

I actually think the ability to do things separately is often a sign of a secure relationship. I went to a female friends birthday last week and 2 male friends attended alone because their other halves were away elsewhere. One of the girls came alone because her fiancé was on an already arranged night out with his mates. It didn’t cross my mind for a second that any of these people are in miserable relationships.

Without meaning to sound harsh it sounds like he’s tried to friendzone you from the off but has realised you seem to want more so has had to distance altogether. Don’t sit around waiting for him. If and only if things go wrong with his partner, he knows you’re there and will get in touch again, but don’t waste your life waiting for that to happen.

I completely agree.
Op, get some self respect. Just because a man chooses to spend some time away from his partner doesn’t mean his relationship is on the rocks?
Just because his partner is unwell doesn’t mean he’s not happy?
He was kind to you, but for some reason you felt that he was giving you a signal is on you, nowhere in your op suggests he was trying to have an affair - he was just being nice. To then interpret that he is unhappy and try & steal a man that is attached comes across as quite sad in my opinion.
Honestly cut him out of your life and get on dating sites and try to find a man that is available and wants the same things as you.
Stop focusing on this man, he is and never was an option.

We don't choose who we fall in love with, and you aren't the first person in the world, and won't be the last, to fall in love with someone who is happy in a relationship with someone else.

When I say "in love", I do so intentionally, tho many would say it's not love but infatuation.

But it's a form of love I think. A painful form in many ways, but there is a pleasurable aspect to that yearning pain, that some people really enjoy, and make a life of it.

I have an ex, in fact, who was just like this. 30 years married to his wife - had a very low opinion of her for most of that. When she finally left for someone else he decided she was the love of his life and spent years feeling sorry for himself, compelling all of us who cared for him to feel sorry for him, etc etc.

I stupidly got into a relationship with him. He treated me pretty badly for most of the two years we were together, dumped me very cruelly making me homeless then, when I moved on and met my now husband, decided I was the love of his life and the cycle started again.

Some people are happiest chasing what they can't have. Is this you, OP?

If not, then I suggest you follow your friend's advice. Go no contact with Graham. Download a few dating sites, and be generous with your swiping. Swipe right on anyone who is even vaguely plausible. And if when you get chatting, if you even vaguely like the sound of them and they are sane and single, suggest a meet up.

It will give you something to focus on that isn't Graham, and maximise your chance of meeting a future husband. Dating can be a numbers game if you play it like that.

Do some other things to fill up your life and time too. Join at least one hobby group. Book some future events in - meet ups with friends, theatre tickets, a trip away from home, either alone or with a friend. Things you can look forward to that don't involve Graham.

If your dream is marriage, it's actually a fairly obtainable one - it's not like you want to become an astronaut. There are plenty of decent men of all ages out there who would love to find a steady partner and settle down. As long as your list of requirements isn't ridiculous, you have every chance of being successful. But not if the only person you target is already happily engaged. That's like trying to win a snooker tournament without a cue.

Good luck!

Leave him alone, OP! He’s in a happy long term relationship with a woman he is going to marry. He’s not interested in you in any way at all. The fact that his partner was not with him at that particular time is neither here nor there - I spend weeks at a time away from my husband through both work and sports-related activities, and I also go on trips away with my friends I have made through my hobby that my DH is not interested in - none of that means we are not in love or that either one of us is ripe for the picking by some random who has decided our relationship is not strong! He sounds enough of a gentleman to have gently rebuffed you (lucky Angela, she has herself a good one there!) He is not for you, stop chasing. It makes you look desperate and deranged.

Unfortunately I think you have let your imagination read things into their relationship that weren’t there.

For example:

Two people spending a week apart is not a sign of a drifting relationship, it is a sign of a strong, comfortable , trusting relationship.

Someone having health problems doesn’t mean a loving partner is staying with them out of pity.

I think you have allowed yourself to drift into a little fantasy of your own making and have sadly had to come down to earth with a bump. What you need to do is pick yourself up, dust yourself off, treat yourself to a new haircut and a spa weekend and think about ways to meet people as friends first rather than romantic partners.

When I say "in love", I do so intentionally, tho many would say it's not love but infatuation.But it's a form of love I think. A painful form in many ways, but there is a pleasurable aspect to that yearning pain, that some people really enjoy, and make a life of it.

if you think this you don’t know what love is. It isn’t love. It isn’t a form of love. It is an obsession and a delusion. A desperate hope.

the man probably isn’t even getting married next year, they certainly didn’t go home early, he was just trying to get rid of her.

hes naively got himself into this, thinking it was a week of two old mates hanging out due to circumstance, and he’s ended up with the op hoping he’d invite her for a shag to his house and trying to break them up, dreaming he’d bin his partner and marry her. Thinking she’s in love. After a few hours.

it’s not love, it’s as far from love as it gets.

OP, this is a shitty thing to do. Work on yourself before you expect someone to be a life partner to someone so selfish and harmful.

Delete his number. He's in a committed relationship and not interested in being unfaithful to his partner with you.

I think informing me that I "don't know what love is" because I have a difference of opinion from you is extremely unkind, and I don't think that, in trying to advise OP, I have deserved that.

Please consider the possibility that there are other people in the world, different from you, who don't experience everything in the exact same way you do? And that difference of opinion doesn't give you the automatic stuff right to insult them and belittle their feelings.

Also to say "it's as far as love from it gets" is pretty extreme, isn't it? "As far as love from it gets" would be committing a massive atrocity such as a genocide, surel Not wishing a bloke would leave his partner and marry you.

What makes you think you can tell complete strangers what they do or don't feel? From where does your omniscience derive?

I also don't understand what is gained from trying to insult OP and attempt to make her feel shit about herself, and that her feelings are delusional and worthless and "as far from love as it is possible to be".

Isn't it more helpful to try to understand how she has got herself into this situation, and perhaps explore how she can get herself out of it?

This is a common scenario.

I do think you're being unreasonable to latch on to the idea that a few pleasant conversations with someone you knew long ago, and who is clearly in love with, and engaged to, someone else, is the right thing to pursue.

They've obviously talked about you and he's made it clear that he's not interested in being with you.

I would look into some of the positive ideas that other posters have mentioned to get you out and meeting people.

You met this man by attending a reunion, so you never know where you'll meet the next one, likely somewhere where you'd never expect to.

I don't like the way you wrote Angela off because she's ill. Really don't like it. That's not cool.

I actually think the ability to do things separately is often a sign of a secure relationship.

As @spuddlesmcgoo said, them having separate trips and doing things independently from each other shows how solid their relationship is.

Anyone who isn’t allowed/doesn’t allow their partner to travel or go for a night away without them is in an insecure relationship and one that won’t last (just look at half of the threads on here).

They obviously trust each other and even with a woman throwing herself at him, he remains faithful.

I would say they have a great relationship.

He has been with Angela for 15 years and you have known him for what sounds like a few months at most. You say you fell in love with him the first evening you met, but I'm not sure that's really possible.

It feels to me like your desperation to be in a serious relationship, or be married, made you project the qualities you want in a man onto someone you didn't really know and weren't spending much time face to face with. There's always a risk of that happening when you're looking for a relationship in and of itself, rather than getting to know a person for themselves.