If you're someone who is never on time, please can you explain why?

[Terracata]

I'm a lone parent with a 5yo who has SEN. I have ADHD but now I'm an adult I have lots of coping mechanisms in place that mean I am rarely ever late for things. When I say late I don't mean 5/10 mins. I'm talking about being properly late.

I have a couple of friends who are starting to drive me nuts because they are always ridiculously late. They do have children too (both have two).

Last weekend I had arranged to cook dinner for us all. We see each other a lot and take it in turns to cook, or we go out. She text me saying she was running 20 mins late. I said no problem see you soon. An hour later she showed up. She does this all the time and is completely flustered and overwhelmed. She'd been at home all morning. This is a regular occurrence. My other friend who does this is exactly the same. It's not a huge issue when they're coming over (though annoying to waste an hour waiting) but when we are going out (to local themed parks or restaurants) it is a complete nightmare.

Is it inbuilt into people to be like this? They don't WANT to be late. But always are.

Of course I only have one child and they have two so this may also make getting out of the door harder!

Bump

I have ADHD and used to be like this. And it was simply down to thinking I had all the time in the world to get ready when I never had that much time. So bad planning. I am well aware into being an adult and I too now have things in place to stop this as its shitty behaviour.

If it's a regular thing, it's selfish behaviour no matter what 'reasons' they give.

They need to allow much more time to get ready/travel etc.

When the kids start school, 'I'm going to be late' isn't going to cut it and they'll find themselves in trouble.

Can you speak to them about their behaviour? Do they turn up an hour late for trains, planes, Dr appointments etc or do they miraculously turn up on time?

You have to decide if this is a boundary for you.

I'm not that bad but I've noticed it's worse when I'm stressed or tired. It's like I need 100% brain power to do on time.

I'm really bad at estimating how long things take which is probably part of it so I'm generally either really early or late. On time would be amazing!

There was a great thread about this just a few days ago. I’ll see if I can link it.

I am chronically early because I simply can not estimate how long things take. So I avoid plans in the afternoon and simply plan to get there mega early

Do they turn up an hour late for trains, planes, Dr appointments etc or do they miraculously turn up on time?

This is such a good question.

If they can turn up on time for these things, I'd take it that your feelings just aren't that important to them.

I have quite a few friends like this and it does seem inbuilt. I think there are the following issues:

1. They start getting ready far too late, often just as they are meant to be arriving if it's somewhere local
2. They are generally quite relaxed charismatic people who will always stop to chat and give their full focus to the present moment
3. They value their time more than mine (a chronic offender once admitted to me that she hates waiting for other people if they are late - which I thought rude given the amount of time I've spent waiting for her over the years!!)

My best friebnd is like this and as a PP said its usually because she totally underestimates how long it takes her to do things.
Alot of the time I had to just leave for things without her because she was a much faster walker then me.....so I left and waited for her to catch up!

Can’t work out how to link, but search for this one.

I'm someone who is always super early for everything, I don't mind waiting half an hour/an hour for appointments. I leave enough time so everything could go wrong and I'd be on time.

My husband on the other hand (I'm pretty sure he has adhd), is very last minute. I say we need to leave at this time, and that's the time he starts getting ready and sometimes gets distracted by the most random things. Sometimes even getting a game to run on his pc. Drives me absolutely insane and I do get snappy with him as being late makes me so anxious and so stressed.

My MIL is always late. She was even late for her MILs funeral and drew attention to herself and pissed everybody of my basically running up the aisle and asking people to move over on the pew. Everybody was just looking at her.

When we got married I told her the wedding was an hour earlier than it was to make sure she was ready.

This is the most insightful thing I've ever read about my type of lateness. I am a CLIP (Chronically Insane Late Person)

https://waitbutwhy.com/2015/07/why-im-always-late.html

They are usually just disorganised with very poor time management skills.

The way to handle them is to be late yourself. If you've arranged to meet at 1 turn up at 1.30 then you probably won't have to wait too long.

I honestly don’t know, it’s hard to explain. I plan to leave in good time. I check the clock, I have 30 minutes left: I’m running on time. Then I do a few last minute things, get a bag together, probably child needs the potty or spills a drink on himself or something and needs to change or I’ve misplaced my keys. Suddenly it’s ten minutes after we were supposed to leave and I don’t understand why. The time just disappeared. I planned and left plenty of time.

Time is weirdly malleable to me like you have ten minutes left but then it goes in an instant. I’ve always been like this.

@Lemonadeand ..but what are you doing in those last 10 mins ?

I’m the same as you. My partner is always late and I get so stressed and anxious about being late. Always give myself plenty of time in case of delays. He meanwhile always cuts it right to the wire and usually ends up sprinting to try to be on time.
We had a conversation the other day about how he thinks he’s not that bad because he only misses about 1/4 trains he plans to take. 🤦‍♀️

Yeah adhd people who haven't managed to form coping mechanisms? I mean, learning new habits and having the wherewithal to realise the need to do this is kind of adhd catch 22.

I think also the person really isn't trying to be rude or anything. Mostly.

Also the reason for the appointment; meeting friends or going to a hospital appointment etc doesn't necessarily make any difference unfortunately.

I'v got issues that mean I have a tendency to be late for things, usually 10 mins max. I think an hour late as a regular occurrence is really pushing it though.

The reason I'm late is the same as @Lemonadeand plus I tend to see things that need doing as I'm leaving the house and find it hard to drag myself away.

My mum has been late for everything all her life. She thinks her time is more important than anyone else's time. She just thinks that people will have to wait for her. Getting her to a restaurant, for a booked table, on time, is impossible. I don't think it's ever happened. She's 90 now. Not going to change.

@susiella my bl…. husband is like this, he thinks it’s funny little realising that everyone else thinks he’s a prat 🤷🏼‍♀️

I worked for a boss who was late for everything. He always said it was because he was over optimistic about how long it would take him to get places/how long the previous task would take.

I worked with him again years later and he'd fixed it, and was now always one time. He told me he'd had a sudden realisation that it was basically selfish and he was essentially telling all his friends and clients that his time was more important than theirs. Not rocket science, but previously had never considered the impact on others and he was essentially a very selfish person

I've never read so much self-serving bollocks in my life.

Pretty typical of these selfish people to come up with it though.