If you're someone who is never on time, please can you explain why?

[Terracata]

I'm a lone parent with a 5yo who has SEN. I have ADHD but now I'm an adult I have lots of coping mechanisms in place that mean I am rarely ever late for things. When I say late I don't mean 5/10 mins. I'm talking about being properly late.

I have a couple of friends who are starting to drive me nuts because they are always ridiculously late. They do have children too (both have two).

Last weekend I had arranged to cook dinner for us all. We see each other a lot and take it in turns to cook, or we go out. She text me saying she was running 20 mins late. I said no problem see you soon. An hour later she showed up. She does this all the time and is completely flustered and overwhelmed. She'd been at home all morning. This is a regular occurrence. My other friend who does this is exactly the same. It's not a huge issue when they're coming over (though annoying to waste an hour waiting) but when we are going out (to local themed parks or restaurants) it is a complete nightmare.

Is it inbuilt into people to be like this? They don't WANT to be late. But always are.

Of course I only have one child and they have two so this may also make getting out of the door harder!

He told me he'd had a sudden realisation that it was basically selfish and he was essentially telling all his friends and clients that his time was more important than theirs.

That's exactly how I feel about people who are consistently late. It's rude and inconsiderate.

I'm like a PP who is always early. I hate the idea of people hanging around waiting for me. If someone was consistently late, for no reason other than poor time management, I wouldn't continue to make plans to meet them.

My Dad was like this, so if i needed a lift from him to go somewhere, I'd deliberately tell him an earlier time so we would actually arrive on time!

Personally, i think it is disrespectful, rude and arrogant. It's funny how these folks can turn up on time at an airport, get to the train station on time etc.

Not everyone is like this though, and I don't tend to have much time for persistantly late folks. I don't mind a one off with a genuine reason and apology.

But that kind of breezing in every time as if it's no issue, no. I don't keep people like that in my life really.

I don't see time the same way

I am either an hour early or run so late I cancel... infact I used to be so late I had to cancel so now I don't book appointments unless it is the only thing I need to do that day and it has to be before midday.

I no long go to our sons hospital appointments alone because of this.

My life is heavily restricted because I hate letting people down so I've retreated away from the majority of any events that are time sensitive.

I don't think my time is more Important at all, I'm not an inherently selfish person either, infact most people would say I'm overly generous, I just don't have an internal clock, I get distracted by the very long repeating list in my head and then other stimuli around me.

It has to be the only thing other than getting showered and dressed or I WILL be late.

I can understand why people take it personally but I can honestly say I hate being like this, it's not you it is genuinely me and at the moment I don't have the cognitive ability to put things in place that mean I can keep all my plates spinning AND be on time.

It is simply selfishness, a lack of consideration and not valuing the feelings or time of person they are going to meet.

You can guarantee if they were told they had to be somewhere at a set time to pick up free £££s they would find a way to make sure they were there on time!

I’m generally overwhelmed by my life, responsibilities and never ending task list.
The idea of being late fills me with anxiety but I rarely manage to not be.
This morning, for example, I woke up at 8am as I had to be somewhere for 12pm at the latest. So I consciously gave myself 4 hours. For context, I only had to go 5-10 minutes away.
I checked the time constantly and repeatedly worked out the time I had left to make sure of my timings. Almost obsessively.
I managed to get there only 1 or 2 minutes late which for me is a victory.
I understand why so many people put it down to laziness or selfishness but for me it’s really not the case. The old adage of ‘oh I bet they’re not late for flights’ is always trotted out but whilst I, by an absolute fucking miracle have never missed a flight, I’m always running through the airport for final call.

ADHD also, was chronically late for so many things in my 20’s and 30’s (even if I had hours to prepare) and I’ll be honest I’m still not perfect, I missed a train just this weekend - but time blocking has basically changed my life.

I’m the late one, I absolutely hate it. I’m suspected AUDHD (on the nhs waiting list) and yes I’ve missed hospital appointments, flights the lot because of it. I actually genuinely don’t know what happens to me and I wish I wasn’t like this- it’s genuinely a big stress and struggle in my life. And in regards to missing flights and appointments it’s cost me a fortune or had me had to be re referred to be seen again. It’s awful.

I just don't have an internal clock

Neither do I, and in fact a lot of people don’t. That’s why we use watches, clocks, phones, timers, alarms etc, instead of just shrugging and saying I just don't have an internal clock as if there’s nothing we can do to help ourselves.

Whilst I can understand why you don’t understand chronic lateness, this really isn’t true for us all. I’m sure there’s a proportion of people who simply don’t give a shit and that’s why they’re always late but I often get worked up prior to plans as I don’t want to piss anybody off by being late. I think I generally have a loose concept of time - I remember at school we had to put our heads down and then silently raise our arm when we estimated it to have been a minute. I was always out by an embarrassing amount. I’m not sure if perhaps that’s connected.
I can guarantee I wouldn’t win the money at the timed prize collection.

Its desperate op. My friend improved but no joke the waiting round. Our friend moved house. It would put me off doing trains with this friend as everything is chaos/last minute.... so I be doing a solo trip I think. Think its inbuilt in some people

@Terracata and @Holliiday - please could you share your techniques for being on time?

I have ADHD and am chronically late. Yes, even to planes, trains and medical appointments. I loathe myself for being like this.

Massive sympathy & patience with my friend who misses everything. No sympathy or patience with the friend who never misses a medical appointment, plane/train, UC review appointment. I stopped waiting for the latter, not even 5 minutes, & strangely enough she stopped being late.

I have a friend like this

Drives me insane

She is never late for work

But will never be on time for meet ups /coffee /meals etx

Is it a cultural thing? Outside of US/NW Europe I don’t know anyone who is that literal or linear about time. It can’t be good to get so worked up about it.

I have actually been late for flights and have missed two (years ago. I wouldn’t now as I understand myself more). I don’t really see why it is so terribly selfish being ten minutes late to meet someone in a cafe when they are sitting in a nice place with a coffee. I can see how it would be 100% selfish to be late for dinner someone was cooking to you, or meeting someone outside somewhere so you can both go in. I got annoyed with a friend for doing this to me repeatedly when we had toddlers. Once she was more than an hour late. That was irritating. However, I have a tendency to chronic lateness myself, so stress myself out enormously to be anywhere by a certain time that cannot be changed or if I am doing one of those two things. So if I have to be somewhere at 4pm I can’t relax all day and have to get ready at 2pm. But meeting someone in a nice cafe when I know they aren’t in a rush? I tell them a loose time or a window, not an exact one knowing that anything could set either of us back 5/10 minutes quite easily and that it’s not the end of the world. I would never be an hour late! Just I possibly wouldn’t be exactly on time - it would ruin my whole day stressing myself out trying to be.

My dh has an amazing sense of time, he could tell you to around 10-15mins what time it is without looking at a clock, but he is always late, because it doesn't bother him if others are late he isn't bothered by how others feel - frustrating as hell, but at least he admits it.

I have no sense of time I could be out by hours. I can check my phone one minute and 2 mins later check again as I have forgot what time it is! I keep checking my phone/clock if I know I need to be somewhere as I care about the people expecting me to be on time, or I tell Alexa to remind me when 10 mins is up so I remember to get ready - whether it is for the free £££s, a Dr/dentist appointment, a meeting at work or meeting a friend they all matter to me.

We are all attached to our phones constantly to see the time, reminders can be set, pre reminders set etc. There are ways to prompt yourself to be there on time if you care to be.

culturallymodified.org/how-different-cultures-understand-time-best-of/

I plan my morning by time. This was this morning:

• 8 wake up/read book in bed
• 9-9:45 up and dressed
• 9.45-10.15 breakfast
• 10.15-11 laundry
• 11-11:20 ready for whatever event
• 11.20-12 chill

-12 go to mum's for lunch

Sounds tedious but it works. Schedule longer than needed for each task. And no reading in bed on week days.

Always schedule chill time before I have to leave.

Set an alarm for 10 mins before if I'm stressed.

Clothes always ready and outfit planned the night before.

School uniforms ironed and hung on a Sunday.

My partner is the same. Even in the middle of the night he’d know the time to a really close accuracy.

Reference the time on phone point, I lose my phone constantly. I probably spend 20-30 minutes a day trying to find it so if anything it probably hinders my timekeeping. I’ve lost my FitBit (obviously!) but when I find it I’m going to try wearing it again to help prompt with time. I’m hoping to try and streamline my life somehow and hope that timekeeping will come easier.

I think I generally have a loose concept of time…
I can guarantee I wouldn’t win the money at the timed prize collection

Your internet ‘concept of time’ can be managed by things like clocks, watches, timers, alarms and a bit of effort. It’s not rocket science. I’m someone with a very poor/non-existant internal clock but I am always slightly early for things as I make an effort and use the technology available to me.

It’s also not rocket science how to quote correctly or how to read my full posts.
I said, very clearly, that I obsessively check the time and work out how long I have left. I’m not sure there was much need for the ‘rocket science’ jibe when I’ve clearly said I get really worked up about being late - it’s not a decision I make.

Yes, wearing a watch would help - keep it on all day. A smart watch even better then you can set reminders and alarms - only take it off at night and put on your nightstand so you always know where it is. There are so many things you can so easily do if you actually want to. This is a choice completely under your control.

The technique I use is instead of sitting there ignoring the fact that time is ticking away, I just get ready way way before I need to because I know I'll still take ages so I've learned to just give myself ages.

Also, if I need to leave at 10am, I rethink that and say I need to leave at 9:30am. I was just so sick of being that person who couldn't arrive on time and knew I was the only one who could fix it. I actually enjoy being more organised and feel like I get my dopamine hit from doing things properly compared to how they were always done.

I'm not usually late myself (and not more than 5-10 minutes if I am), but it wouldn't occur to me to accuse people who are selfish. That sounds quite egoistic, in fact, making it about you. Though I suppose there must be some people who are late because they're inconsiderate, it's more often due to other reasons, which, by the way, aren't any of my business. They might have personal, private reasons and it's rude to ask.