To be really struggling with being ghosted by friend of 20 years?

[FirecrackerK]

I've had a friend (male) since I was a teenager, always platonic. He's always been like family to me, which was maybe reinforced by being an only child myself.

Anyway we were always each other's confidantes, had lots in common etc. In our 20s both happened to live in Italy at the same time, so had annual holidays with mutual friends and partners.

But in the last two years he became flaky and didn't reciprocate the visits I paid him even though we had a good time when together. He contacted me twice after that, then the next times I reached out in January/Feb it was crickets although he read the messages.

It seems obvious now that I've been ghosted and I'm secretly heartbroken. I feel I can't talk to my partner as I worry he'll get the wrong idea about why I'm so upset. Anyone been through this?

Yes, I've been through it. He's probably met someone and she doesn't like him seeing you.

@kitteninabasket thing is he's been through a few girlfriends including his long term partner of ten years who he broke up with two years ago. She accepted our friendship though I suspect wasn't crazy about it.

I'd be surprised he'd let a woman be the reason the friendship ended now. But maybe it is.

Or he just doesn't the friendship anymore but after 20 years I don't think it should be thrown away so easily

I suspect he has a partner who's given him an ultimatum.

I have nothing helpful to add except to say I know EXACTLY where you are coming from and it's absolutely shit

I met a woman he was seeing briefly when we last met. But then I heard from him months after that.

I don't know. I just don't know see him dropping me because a woman told me to. I could be wrong.

I feel like I need therapy or something! Seems ridiculous.

Thank you @EineReiseDurchDieZeit 💐

Yea it’s heartbreaking, give yourself time and grieve for the friendships, and then try to move on. It’s hard though

What I've learned is that friendships are transitory; it's rare they last a lifetime. There could be any reason for his unresponsiveness including meeting someone who doesn't want him to have another important woman in his life.

I would accept his decision and leave the door open. They might split up and he may get back in touch.

I know a man whose new partner strongly encouraged, even insisted, he end friendships with women and he dropped them like hot coals. They also went through all his other friendships to decide who were 'keepers' or not. It seems harsh to me but people do strange things.

Have you asked him why?

Being ghosted sucks, much more so after decades of friendship. But I would guess the friendship is problematic for his girlfriends, and maybe he got tired of reassuring them.

I was ghosted by my male best friend of nearly 30 years (he's gay, so no female partner to influence matters). I told him I'd got a diagnosis of a potentially serious medical condition and literally never heard from again. It's been about 4 years now and I'm still sad about sometimes, but also angry. If it had been the other way around, I would never have abandoned him like that.

No I haven't.

I just feel like I'm not willing to put myself out there another time when it feels one sided now. In the last years I did most of the visiting so maybe the writing was on the wall.

That's what abusers do...

Yep same here. Would never have just cut him off. I'm sorry for you too

I think recently some big milestones have come up in my life I thought he'd be around for and it's really hit home that he's gone and I can't share news with him. It's like the person has died (for you) but you know they're still living.

I dunno - it seems a bit soon to assume you’ve been ghosted. Friendships have ebbs and flows. Sometimes we have a lot going on and don’t keep in touch as well with people. If this is someone who’s like family to you, I’d assume that the friendship is still there, but it’s going to go through some fallow periods.

I also think that, as they get older, men generally don’t tend to put as much into friendships as women do - particularly when the friendships in question require a bit more planning and thought. It could just be the company I keep, but most of the men I know tend spend most of their time with friends from work or hobbies where there’s a built-in context for social contact that they don’t have to think too hard about.

I wouldn't be surprised if he secretly held a torch for you, has now met someone really, really special and it's made him feel differently about you.

No question men and women can be friends, but there are also a lot of male/female friendships that are rooted in an attraction. I was blindsided by this after 15 years of friendship, so speaking from experience.

Either way, it's a shitty thing to do and I hope you feel better about it soon.

Yes, I see them both in a very different way now.

My guess would be that he was in the honeymoon/infatuation phase with her so didn't have a lot of time for any of his friends, and then the point he got back in touch was probably the point she asked/told him not to be friends with you anymore.

Yes, its happened to me too.

Male friend since school- we were like brother and sister. Couldnt have been closer. Friends for 25 years. Never any attraction whatsoever - we were literally as close as siblings. Then, when he met his wife he started fading me. I still dont get it as he'd had serious girlfriends before and I had had serious boyfriends and our friendship hadn't wavered at all during those times.

Literally the day after the wedding he started getting flakier and flakier and more and more distant. It was actually rather bizarre. I haven't spoken to him now in about 5 years. I did try to reach out but he just stopped replying.

My gut tells me his wife did not like him having friendships with other women as she always acted quite odd around me and I did try hard to make friends with her too (and to include her in things etc) but she wasnt having any of it.

Last I heard from our mutual group of friends was that he seemed very unhappy. I felt so sad but there is nothing I can do if he wont reply to me and I'm afraid I am not willing to constantly reach out to someone who ignores me. I am not chasing any one.

I'm still a bit sad about it even now- you cant easily replace friends you've known for that length of time and the thing that annoys me the most is that never in a million years did I ever fancy him (still dont!) so if it was due to his wife, it was a completely pointless thing to do because nothing was ever going to happen anyway!

@duchessofsilk does sound similar to my situation. I'm sorry about your friend.

I'm also wondering about what I should do if he does return.

I don't like the idea that someone could just pick me up and put me down again. Might never happen of course.

Is there any chance though that it’s just one of those seasons of life things? I go through peaks and troughs of keeping in touch with people depending on what else is happening on my life (I’ve often got a lot going on with work, family issues, etc), and I don’t see this as my picking people up and putting them down again so much as fluctuations in my capacity and availability.

And it’s fine if this doesn’t work for you in a friendship, but I wonder if it would feel less hurtful to consider that it might not be about how much you matter to him, so much as what else he might have on his plate, and what his capacity is more generally for being proactive about keeping in touch and organising things.

I can only speak for me, but it would depend on the reason. I 100% dont blame his wife, it was his choice not to get in contact and if it did make her uncomfortable then the least he could done was explain that to me. I would still have been sad about it but at least I wouldnt have wondered for years and years what had happened or if he was upset with me (even though I knew I hadn't done anything wrong- but things like this make you irrationally ruminate).

I agree with you- I wont be put on the shelf and taken back down again when it suits people. Thats not a decent way to treat others. All it would have taken was one simple text to tell me he wanted space and I would have respected that with no arguing. If you cant even take 30 seconds of time to text one of your closest life long friends that isnt very caring is it?!

It has to be relating to a woman. It's unlikely he'd suddenly just 'go off' you. I strongly suspect his new gf said close female friendships were a deal breaker. This has happened to me before.
My best friend of 20 yrs hadn't responded to me now for over a year. She's female and I simply have no clue why. It is really hurtful.
But in your case I think you have your reason. Sad as it may seem. He may come back if they split. Whether you'll welcome him with open arms is another matter!

I'd be really hurt too. To be honest the older I get the less I want to be attached to people, they can easily let you down.