To be really struggling with being ghosted by friend of 20 years?

[FirecrackerK]

I've had a friend (male) since I was a teenager, always platonic. He's always been like family to me, which was maybe reinforced by being an only child myself.

Anyway we were always each other's confidantes, had lots in common etc. In our 20s both happened to live in Italy at the same time, so had annual holidays with mutual friends and partners.

But in the last two years he became flaky and didn't reciprocate the visits I paid him even though we had a good time when together. He contacted me twice after that, then the next times I reached out in January/Feb it was crickets although he read the messages.

It seems obvious now that I've been ghosted and I'm secretly heartbroken. I feel I can't talk to my partner as I worry he'll get the wrong idea about why I'm so upset. Anyone been through this?

A couple of days later and he hasn't replied.

I woke up and just cried about it this morning. I realized just how bereft I am to lose the friendship. Might sound silly but being an only child I never had siblings who have known me most of my life.

He's known me as a kid, through bereavements, every teen and adult break up. He brought me hot water bottles and meals when I was most struggling with endometriosis, and encouraged me in my dreams/goals. I did the same.

It's really hard to lose and yet I can't really speak to people about it.

Its hurtful op I was close with my cousin then nothing. Felt last few texts she has moved on. God its hurtful though. If he doesnt reply just leave it be now

@Mary46 I won't contact him again if he doesn't respond.

It feels quite humiliating, not be worthy of a simple message, even if it just to put the breaks on.

I'm sorry about your cousin.

I'm really sorry @FirecrackerK, it's so painful isn't it. It doesn't sound silly at all. At least now you know for sure and can start properly grieving for the friendship.

It feels quite humiliating, not be worthy of a simple message, even if it just to put the breaks on.

I felt the same way when I didn't get a response from mine. But honestly, you've nothing to feel humiliated about. It took courage to send that message and you were just doing what a good friend would do. Now you know you did everything you could instead of having that doubt in your mind that it could be interpreted as a mutual ghosting.

I'm so sorry OP, I will never understand why or how people can do this. Why would he so egregiously hurt you after all that you have meant to each other is just incomprehensible.

Yes people are strange. Nobody replies these days. Op I def felt used she wasnt working when we met but she quickly forgot how loyal I was over the years

@kitteninabasket thank you

And the thing is that I will grieve for it now

If he comes back later on when I've finished the process I know I said the door is open, but I will need to see how I feel (if it arises)

@FirecrackerK ah I'm so sorry OP. Thats really hurtful.

I am glad you did it though- being true to yourself and the friendship.

One thought that gave me comfort was- what have I lost?- a person who clearly didnt really care, was flakey, dropped me with no apparent emotional attachment and who seems to have the emotional range of a robot.

What have they lost?- a very good friend who genuinely cared about them.

In stark comparison- they have lost way more than you.

I totally empathise, OP. I've grieved a lot over my friend who ghosted me after decades of being close, with not a word of explanation or just a goodbye! I consider it to be cruel behaviour but I assume they don't think that way. It's hard to come to terms with the loss of a friend, especially when you don't know why.

I think we just have to keep reminding ourselves it's about them, not about us. Your friend is clearly caught up in their own needs, feelings, ideas, assumptions and judgements which have nothing to do with you. He's lost a good friend and maybe one day he'll look back and feel sad and wrong about it. You've left the door open so if that happens, he may come back. Then it will be up to you whether you want to be friends again in some way.

As much as I've grieved for my ex-friend, and I have left the door open to her, if she decided she wanted to be friends again, I would need her to explain what she was thinking when she ghosted. It might be hard to trust her again in the same way. Ultimately I only want the best for her, but it still hurts a lot to know she hasn't considered me at all.

@taylorswift1989 he replied.

He said he had a mental breakdown and has been coming through it with the help of psychologists. I feel terrible.

He said he was upset that I thought he was ghosting me when it all felt outside his control. And that he was going to contact me the night before I contacted him but then thought what he had to say wasn't 'relevant enough' which just sounds odd? He sounds very unwell.

He wants to catch up on the phone. I spoke to my partner and he said proceed cautiously because being friends with someone very mentally unwell can take a toll. I feel upset by the whole thing but glad he didn't ice me out so to speak. I do want to be there but I know this will probably happen again.

Sorry to hear he’s been unwell.

Your partner is right, proceed cautiously, don’t over promise. Don’t feel you need you need to rush in to save him.

I am sorry to hear that he’s been struggling.

It may well happen again that he drops out of contact because of mental ill health - and do you think you can be all right with not taking it personally next time? Or will that still feel like being ‘picked up and put down’?

I always find it incredible how quickly people will say ‘it takes all of 2 seconds to reply to a message - the only possible reason for someone to be out of contact is that they’re a rude bastard / they’ve got a coercive partner who controls their friendships / they never cared about you to begin with / they were only using you / etc etc etc.’ Sometimes shit really hits the fan for people and it’s not all about us.

@Bunnyhair it's a good question.

I think I need to consider how not to take it personally in future. Mentally how can I change the way I feel and think about the friendship to accommodate mental health crises on his end? I'm not sure of the answer right now

I can't say I won't feel hurt in future by his absences. It's also just the not knowing that worries me so much when he disappears.

And I know I need to put myself first. He can only meet me where he's at and I cant ask more of him.

My cousin did this. We were close friends (he was also good mates with my husband) and then he met someone and literally stopped responding to me for 4 years. I would send him an annual message on his birthday just to check in and never got any response. He went from being really involved with the extended family to total silence/not attending family weddings etc. I was so sad, i honestly felt like he had died.

Then one day he turns up at a family function and just gets on with it like no time has passed, no explanation, just expecting everything to be normal. Almost showing off that he has kids now (he always wanted a family) but with absolutely no interest in anyone else's kids.

Anyway, people are bloody weird. And it hurts. But you will move on x

I agree you need to proceed cautiously. You said he'd been flaky for a couple of years now, and he was well enough to be posting on SM about a work trip in your city a couple of months ago.

@kitteninabasket I agree. I need to be careful for for my own well being.

To be fair he didn't post, he was tagged.

The main issue I had with his response was he didn't acknowledge that he had ignored me - in fact he said he hadn't (he had).

Obviously his mental health is behind this overall but I may always feel a sense of frustration. Or he eventually comes through this and the friendship ends up on an even keel again.

He said he was upset that I thought he was ghosting me when it all felt outside his control

Thats understandable but it's hardly your fault if he didnt tell you! You arent a mind reader and most people who send messages and get no reply wouldn't immediately jump to "he must be having a mental break down" because that would be an extreme response to have.

I agree with your partner- be there for him but also be careful with your boundaries.