To be really struggling with being ghosted by friend of 20 years?

[FirecrackerK]

I've had a friend (male) since I was a teenager, always platonic. He's always been like family to me, which was maybe reinforced by being an only child myself.

Anyway we were always each other's confidantes, had lots in common etc. In our 20s both happened to live in Italy at the same time, so had annual holidays with mutual friends and partners.

But in the last two years he became flaky and didn't reciprocate the visits I paid him even though we had a good time when together. He contacted me twice after that, then the next times I reached out in January/Feb it was crickets although he read the messages.

It seems obvious now that I've been ghosted and I'm secretly heartbroken. I feel I can't talk to my partner as I worry he'll get the wrong idea about why I'm so upset. Anyone been through this?

I go through peaks and troughs of keeping in touch with people depending on what else is happening on my life (I’ve often got a lot going on with work, family issues, etc), and I don’t see this as my picking people up and putting them down again so much as fluctuations in my capacity and availability

We arent talking about people just being busy though, literally everyone I know is busy (do you know anyone who isnt?) and we all understand that and noone expects immediate replies.

We are talking about not replying to someone you supposedly care about for months and months whilst they have reached out to you to check on you. To them, it appears like you are deliberately ignoring them. I dont care how busy someone is, they can find 30 seconds in the space of a few months to text back, even if it's just to say sorry I'm just crazy busy right now.

Hi thanks for the replies so far

I made the mistake of looking him up on social media and discovered he had been in my city 15 mins from where I live 2 months ago for a few days.

He was on a work trip but there is absolutely no way he wouldn't have looked me up in normal times as he said he would, to reciprocate when I visited him last year.

Unless you're willing to put yourself out there and ask then you're not going to know. You've not really got anything to lose by asking him.

I've had a group of friends for 20 years and there have been times over the years where it goes from lots of contact to not much. One of my closest friends hadn't been in contact for a long time. I kept in touch letting them know I was here. Out of the blue they sent a message about some pretty bad things that had happened to them and how they were worried about ruining friendships so just kept themselves away. That was a couple years ago now and the friendship is wonderful again. You really just don't ever know what's happening in a person's head.

Also, and this might not be the problem.at all but sometimes in male female relationships, a person can realise they have feelings for the other and think it's best to keep a distance. This of course may not be the issue and I am a big believer that men and women can be great friends but sometimes it can be more complicated than same sex friendships.

@IamnotSethRogan at first my pride prevented me from reaching out. But now I'm thinking, if I say nothing at all then maybe that's 20 years of friendship gone for good.

He would have contacted me if he wanted to though right?

To let the friendship slip away now or get in touch, I'm honestly not sure what to do. I miss him a lot.

And knowing how was 15 mins from my home for several days and didn't look me up is upsetting. I visited him the last two times and he was going to reciprocate. He is almost never in the country never mind where I live.

Closure is a cliché but it helps. I’d message him and say something ‘I take it by your radio silence that we’re not seeing each other anytime soon?’

@GuPuddingRamekinHoarder the irony is that he lost another childhood friend through not visiting them/one sided visits and went on about how friendships are worth nurturing and you shouldn't just throw people away.

Oddly my biggest fear is he'll reply straight away pretending he's just been busy. If I message amd he doesn't reply at all, will I feel better for having reached out?

I'm not sure. But I'm not sure I can accept just throwing away 20 years without a conversation to acknowledge it.

I think I'm going to message him today and let him know the door is open to get in touch at a later stage. Maybe I'm the mug for reaching out but that's how I feel.

I would very kindly say don't do it, I know it's eating at you but it's not in your interests

Definitely message him. The not knowing would drive me insane. You just need to be honest and put your feelings on the table, ask for his honesty in return. This is a long term friendship, you should feel comfortable being open with him. Good luck.

@EineReiseDurchDieZeit the thing is if I say nothing I feel he could easily claim later it's a mutual ghosting. To be honest I think I love my friend more than I care about my ego.

I'm making it clear he hasn't been in touch but that the door is open later. I've had friends say they didn't get back in touch because they felt it had been too long -- better to make it clear up front.

Yes @Asherrain I've decided I'm going to just do it now and rip the band aid off

I think you're doing the right thing OP- this is less about him and more about what you feel you should do and how it reflects on your values/the kind of person you are.

I would do it. If he doesnt reply then you have your answer but at least you know you did everything you could and the end of the friendship is on him. There is much peace to be found when our actions align with our values.

@FirecrackerK I’m generally in the camp if ‘they will contact you’, but spurred on by this thread I did send my own missing friend a short message to ask if he was ok. No reply. I think it’s worth trying once and after that, let it go. Don’t send a snarky message like @GuPuddingRamekinHoarder suggested.

Ive sent it now so we'll see...

@FirecrackerK

I see your rationale

As long as it brings you peace of mind

Your lack of assertiveness doesn’t mean others are snarky.

I sent a similar message to a friend who ghosted me. She didn't respond. Tbh, it did at least make it clear that she doesn't want to be in touch with me - if it had been a case of coasting along just not making contact, she would have responded. But I got nothing back, and in a way, that was closure for me. Of course, if she does decide to reach out in future, the offer is there for her to do so. But I guess that's unlikely to happen. I feel sad that the ending of our friendship didn't warrant any kind of acknowledgement from her, and unless she gets back in touch one day, I guess I'll always wonder what the hell happened. But at least it's clear now that she's ghosted. I hope you get some kind of clarity, too.

That’s wasn’t assertiveness, it was rudeness and snark that isn’t going to achieve anything.

@FirecrackerK good luck!

I think you've been brave to send the message. It's not easy to put yourself out there but if he genuinely has been swamped by life or mental health stuff or whetever then you have opened the door for him, and if he does want to end the friendship then at least you'll know.

Can you explain why it was rude? Not seeing it.

You however are being rude to me for no discernible reason.

It's a passive regressive response that is pretty much guaranteed to shut down any possibility of reconnecting with somebody.

Telling someone they’ve been radio silent when they haven’t responded to your messages isn’t ‘passive regressive’, it’s factual.

I think I agree with both of you actually! I said I had been thinking of him because of something we have in common that came up.

I pointed out that as things had been quiet it seemed he didn't want to continue with the friendship right now, but that I hoped he was well and the door is open in the future.

I don't know how I'll feel down the line but for my part I wanted to dissolve any thoughts he might have about getting back in touch. Not that he deserves it necessarily!

I’m glad you said something, OP. Even if he doesn’t respond I hope you’ve had the closure you need.

You tell him you’re hurt, don’t have amnesia, and that if he feels he’s likely to drop you again, you’d prefer he stayed away. Or you decide you prefer intermittent contact to none. Whatever you decide is best for you.

Why not just phone him, though? If it’s eating you up this much, one last-ditch attempt to communicate might help set your mind at rest. It’s also possible he’ll be surprised into picking up, and telling you what’s actually going on.

Sorry, cross-posted, OP.