To choose to only have one child even though I'm an older mum?

[jellybeanathome]

Just that really. I'm an older mum (40 with an 18mo) and have always felt worried and guilty that by the time DS is my age, we'll likely be either much slower or even gone. I've always thought we'd have two children for this reason so he isn't on his own when we're gone.

But I find him REALLY hard work. He's a beautiful, strong, smart, wonderful kid but I am exhausted and so is my DH (we both have busy, challenging jobs too). We've recently started to wonder if we should plough all of our resources (not just financial) into bringing up one child amazingly and, I must admit, I've thought "if he were an only child, we could..." more times than I have yearned for another.

The only thing stopping me from making the decision is the overwhelming guilt and worry I feel at the thought of him being alone in the world when he is my age. The thought of him not having a sibling or grandparents to help him when he has a DC like I've had (we're so lucky with our families) makes me really sad.

I'd really love your thoughts and experiences on this.

So... AIBU?
YABU - stop being selfish now so your child has more family later in life.
YANBU - you'll give him an amazing life and he will be fine when he is older.

Honestly I don't know. I didn't want a second child, at all and am too old now. But now I worry all the time about leaving him alone (we're a small family). But really, I don't know anyone who relies on their family on a day to day or even emergency basis. I don't know anyone who sees their sibling more than a couple of times a year.

I think you have to go with what you want. But I don't think either way will feel like the easier decision.

There’s no guarantees of anything in life. If you feel that sticking at one is best right now, do that.

We has DS when I was 35. We decided when I was 37 that one was best for us.

I think having a child you don’t want for any reason would be crazy.

I’m your son 40+ years later. My parents were brilliant and threw everything into making my childhood full and happy but then my father died when I was still at primary school from unpredictable and tragic circs so then it was just mum and me. She was brilliant but I always longed for a sibling as our house was very quiet just the two of us and I’d seen dad die and worried she would too and then I’d be all alone in the world. That fear came true in my early twenties. First I had to nurse her alone as by that point her parents were dead too, then she was gone and I had nobody at all. No living relatives except some cousins in Australia. What I would have done to have a sibling who could remember our childhood, reminisce etc. I had three children to try and ensure they never feel as lonely as I did.

thats just my experience though. Lots of people will come on and tell you of happy onlys or stories of siblings who are useless. I read about useless siblings a lot on here n it don’t see many people in RL who have no relationship with their siblings.

I'm 40 and I won't be on my own when I lose my parents (currently in their 70s). I have 2 lifelong best friends and my own DS and husband. You make your own family.

DH speaks to his sister about twice a year and she lives 200 miles away.

Well by the time your son is your age it’s likely he’ll have his own family, partner, friends etc so won’t be alone. The only people I know who see their siblings more than a couple of times a year are those who live close to each other, which is not that common really.
All the only children I know are perfectly well adjusted and fulfilled ie not lonely and don’t see their parents as a burden, it’s just the way it is.
Also DH is NC with his dad, so his brother is going to be the only one caring for their dad. So siblings is not always the way to split the care.

There's no guarantees but one thing you can do is be close to wider family if you have them, and / or have good friends that would be there for your child. Unfortunately longevity isn't guaranteed, DDs friend doesn't know her dad (not on bc) and her mum died fairly suddenly when she was just 21, no grandparents alive ... she really is alone but their lovely manager is helping her with practical things like selling the house (mortgaged, in sufficient life assurance) and buying a flat she can afford outright, teaching her about insurance, utilities etc, the things your parents tell you about.

I think with onlyies its important build a support system and family around.
close cousins or family friends.

I have at least 5 people of my parents generation that i could call at any time of night for support and more than 10 of my own generation and i would say half are cousin and half are not blood relatives at all.

being your parents only child doesn't mean you have to grow up alone but it takes active and conscious decisions by your parent for you not to,

It means being personable and outgoing even if you're not. it means being the parent who does the playdates, take an active role in your child building lasting friends. it means taking a friend on holiday. doing summer holiday care etc.

A child doesn’t need siblings - being an only child is absolutely fine 🙌

So is having 10 kids - if that’s what people want 🙌 - but this is no guarantee of a support network - they may all scatter later in life even if they get on well and there’s no bitterness/arguments

Whether you stick with one or have more kids - PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let them be their own person and give them plenty of emotional support so they can be confident later in life.

if you bring up an only child well with plenty of confidence and let them be their own person - by the time you’re gone they’ll have other great influences in their life - whatever these are - and will thrive 🙌

So YANBU basically

I'm 50 with an 11yo.

I decided not to have a second after the near death experience for both of us at his birth.

I'm looking at it this way... he'll inherit everything and won't have to share. Also from my child free sister. He'll be financially sorted as we have made plans for that.

He's a friendly kid whose friends mean a lot to him, he'll probably have people.

My Dad died when I was 30 and he was early 50s so there's no guarantee whatever.

I'm an adult social worker and much of the time siblings don't get on and leave all the work to one sibling. Nothing can be predicted.

YANBU

it’s fine.
we know people who stopped at 1 because they wanted to / finances would be stretched / secondary infertility and didn’t want ivf etc

even among our friends who wanted 3 or 4 the reality is when they had the second the conversation stopped.
2 x working parents + 2 kids = more than enough time/effort/money

if you have your hands full with one it’s fine you don’t need to justify it or explain yourself to anyone

Your son will have probably his own family by the time you are older, partner, in laws etc plus any cousins/extended family that he can lean on for support. He will make his own family, friends and support network as an adult.

I agree with a PP you need to make a conscious decision through his childhood to support him to develop close friendships, lots of play dates, opportunity to take friends on holiday etc to help him not feel lonely. Having pets can help as well, not a replacement for a sibling obviously but don't underestimate the emotional benefits of having a dog/cat in the family home.

I have a brother and although we only live 10 mins away from each other, we rarely spend time together really. No drama, we've never fallen out or anything but he's far down the list of people I would contact if I needed support.

I know what you mean. We have said that we're going to make a decision soon because we might not be able to have a second anyway and then it's not our choice anyway. If it's not too personal, could you let me know some generic reasons why you decided one was best for you? (If that's not a rude question? Ignore me / tell me if it is!)

I’m an adult who has felt very lonely without a sibling, and I have two children. I say YANBU, absolutely.

Kids are hard, really really hard! I often felt guilt at having had a second, because in the early years it made me such a worse mother to both than I could have been to one. If you feel like you’d struggle to cope with two, well there’s a good chance you’d struggle to cope with two.

You never know what will happen. You could be sprightly in to your 90s, he could be married with kids by 20 and you only 60, he could be sworn enemies with a sibling!

I don’t know if I've worded that well. I love DS and I know I would love a second. I love the thought of having two siblings running around together. It's not that I don’t want another, it's just that I'm trying to do what's best for us all and I'm trying myself in knots. Maybe because I can’t currently factor for a person who doesn't yet exist.

I feel this OP. I had my DS 6 weeks before my 40th birthday and agonised about having another when he was around 2 (couldn’t have faced it before then!). But DH was adamant that he didn’t want another. The back story being that our journey to parenthood involved 6 years, 4 rounds of IVF, 3 miscarriages, 2 lots of surgery and £££. I also had a very scary post partum haemorrhage a week after DS was born which was traumatic for DH- he twice saw me collapse in a pool of blood.

So our DS will be an only and he doesn’t even have any first cousins, probably won’t. We are doing our best to ensure that he does lots of socialising and sees his uncles, grandparents and friends as much as possible. Ultimately, there are no guarantees in this life and as another pp has said, you make your own family. When it comes to having a second child, I do believe that if it isn’t two emphatic yeses, it’s a no.

Younger siblings aren’t presents! You can’t have a child to make your first child’s life better when he’s older!

for a start, they may not get on, they may not be close, your new child may as an adult become ill or otherwise develop other difficulties that mean - gasp - your first child might have to care for them when you’re gone, rather than be supported by them!

ive got a lot of siblings (and i get on fairly well with them) but the people who stop me being alone in the world are my friends and my partner and my own children. Because I’m an adult and I have a life.

if you want another baby, have one - but don’t reproduce in the false belief you can engineer some kind of future for your original child, that doesn’t make sense at all.

Imagine being the second child and finding out that you weren’t really wanted but your mum thought your big brother deserved a companion in later life.

My view is the only reason to have a child is because you want one

Not as a sibling for an existing child, not to be a carer to an elderly person, not because you want a boy or a girl.

Because I want a child is the only reason to have one. Anything else is (imo) unfair on everyone.

The worst thing you can do to any child imo is force friendships on them - whether they’re an only or one of a big brood

but yes - an only child can potentially thrive and deffo doesn’t need siblings - despite the latter often being a blessing - your only child, can no doubt be blessed in so many other ways in life !

Leaving aside the benefits of having siblings, your life matters too and you are V V NBU to not want to have a baby and toddler in your forties. I'm around the same age as you with a 7 and 3 year old and no I wouldn't change a thing but it's been tiring and I'm glad the toddler years are almost over forever. The thought of starting again is 😱

You say you’ve both been so lucky with your families so does that mean you both have siblings? So presumably your DS has aunts and uncles and maybe cousins? If that’s the case then strong bonds with wider family will give him the sense that he has lots of family members.

I am an only child but I have lots of aunts and uncles and cousins so I have never felt alone in the world without relatives.

Only a small percentage of my friends with siblings have relationships with them and enjoy time with parents and siblings as adults, so having siblings is no guarantee of ready made support and friendship.

Obviously when relationships with siblings work out it’s lovely but try not to compare the worst possible case of only child life with the best possible case of life with siblings. The reality could be a brilliant only child life with extended family connections and lots of friends and a wife and own children etc and siblings never even missed. Flipside could be a sibling with additional needs or a personality disorder or drug addiction who takes up all of parents energy and is the opposite of a supportive friend for life.

Basically, you just need to follow your heart about what you want right now rather than trying to engineer a particular outcome with a sibling.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Thank you for telling me your experience - it's exactly the future scenario I'm worried about. I'm glad you have a lovely family now! xx

I think an only child is great potentially but not for the reasons people typically think -

the ‘spoilt’ only child stereotype is NONSENSE

I think an only child upbringing is potentially good not because of increased resources or attention - but the confidence they build from sometimes navigating difficult situations alone 🙌

btw - even kids from large families even might have to deal with difficult situations alone as well - this isn’t necessarily exclusive to only children

I think you have to want a baby because it's SO hard. I'm pregnant now with my second, 75% of the driving force was a sibling for DC, but there was still that bit of me that wanted another baby. I wouldn't have done it otherwise as I could imagine PND setting in.