To choose to only have one child even though I'm an older mum?

[jellybeanathome]

Just that really. I'm an older mum (40 with an 18mo) and have always felt worried and guilty that by the time DS is my age, we'll likely be either much slower or even gone. I've always thought we'd have two children for this reason so he isn't on his own when we're gone.

But I find him REALLY hard work. He's a beautiful, strong, smart, wonderful kid but I am exhausted and so is my DH (we both have busy, challenging jobs too). We've recently started to wonder if we should plough all of our resources (not just financial) into bringing up one child amazingly and, I must admit, I've thought "if he were an only child, we could..." more times than I have yearned for another.

The only thing stopping me from making the decision is the overwhelming guilt and worry I feel at the thought of him being alone in the world when he is my age. The thought of him not having a sibling or grandparents to help him when he has a DC like I've had (we're so lucky with our families) makes me really sad.

I'd really love your thoughts and experiences on this.

So... AIBU?
YABU - stop being selfish now so your child has more family later in life.
YANBU - you'll give him an amazing life and he will be fine when he is older.

I find it weird that people assume someone will be alone if they don't have a sibling. I know many, many, people who aren't at all close to their siblings but have very strong support networks with friends.
I have two siblings I adore. We're emotionally close but live at other ends of the country. I don't see them for months at a time. I don't feel alone though because I have my DH, my children, and lots of friends.
OP - it's likely your son will create his own family. If he doesn't, it's likely he'll have friends. I don't actually know anyone of 40 who's alone (in the sense that they haven't got a support network) or who relies on their siblings for company/support. Everyone I know of 40 either has a family or a partner or is very happy living a busy life without those commitments.

I think you need to build your DS a wider 'family' structure, but there are more ways to do that than giving him a sibling.

The most valuable things my brother brought to my life was being a playmate during our childhood and being a keeper of our shared childhood memories (this one will be especially important once our parents have gone). I have lots of friends with only children. Some are only children themselves. They have all teamed up with other families or extended family to make sure their children have the opportunity to have these experiences and make those shared memories.

I have a sibling who I never got on with and when my mum died he was useless. My parents chose to have a second child but I'm the one lumbered with him. I chose to have one and I do not regret it at all - if she's lonely as an adult it's up to her to build a network, but I have never felt it was my responsibility to procreate so she's got company; I've spent 50 years wishing I was an only child.

Have another baby if you can.

I'm an only child and had lost both parents unexpectedly by 25 (no previous health issues). Both parents were older and were from small families themselves. I had a lonely childhood and am having a lonely adulthood. I'm responsible for building my own life but it upsets me that I have no one to reminisce about my childhood with. No one to talk to about family memories. When I was growing up, everyone was old and there was so much talk of death as different great aunts passed away and then grandparents. I felt like a mini adult who never got the opportunity to be a kid and squabble with siblings.

Even now I'm doing ok, I still feel that aching loneliness each day. Hearing work colleagues talking about Christmas plans with family and asking me about mine still hurts.

I know no one on mumsnet has any contact with siblings and goes no contact with family or at least very reduced contact but that's generally not the case in real life. The families I see and hear about pull together and look after each other.

Having said all of that, I think an only child will be fine if you have a big family. If there are siblings, aunts, uncles, and cousins that are around and that you're close to then they should be ok and are unlikely to be in the situation I'm in.

The only acceptable reason to have another child is because you want one. Any other reason is stupid, because you have no guarantee how life and your children's relationships will go. Raise a child who is confident and good at forming relationships so they can choose their own supports rather than potentially being tied to someone just because of blood.

I spent my childhood miserable due to my brother. And when my parents die, he will be zero support to me and I imagine actually a massive stress trying to arrange the funeral, clear and sell the houses etc. I would much rather be an only child and deal with all that myself.

I would just concentrate on your DS. Just because he's an only child doesn't mean he'll necessarily be alone. He might be married with children or have an amazing career and social life.
In the same way not all siblings are close. I love all my siblings but I very rarely see my brothers. Only if we are all together at my parents house and I suspect once they die I won't see them again

Also, having a sibling I got on so terribly with absolutely damaged my relationship with my parents as well. That's partly because my parents didn't handle that aspect of parenting very fairly, but also just because it was impossible to make the happy memories which lead to strong relationships when we were all so miserable. So not only did a sibling not add any value to my life in himself, it actively spoiled other relationships for me.

I'm an only child with not much wider family, I'm NC with my dad and single with one child of my own.

Doesn't bother me at all. I like my own company and I have loads of friends who I am closer to than my own family. Don't give a toss about "reminiscing about childhood" or any of that bollocks, I doing have the greatest childhood so don't particularly want to talk about it anyway! Life is about the here and now.

Christmas is great as DS and I can do whatever we want, no pressure to be going here there and everywhere to see various relatives or cook for anybody else. Sitting in my PJs drinking baileys all day, perfect.

I have two siblings I get on fine with but we have lived lives independently of each other, don’t live near each other and my friends were always the thing for me. I think you should I just do what is right for you in this situation.

My husband's parents were 40 when they had him in different times as his sister is 10 years older and brother 14.
He's always felt like a bit of a nuisance and a let down as though his dad couldn't be bothered really. But his parents lived to 79 and 85 I guess he wouldn't have it any other way.
Not that this helps but it all sort of comes out in the wash really whatever you chose.

My parents were 38 and 48, considered practically senile in the 1970’s! I was an only child.
Unfortunately both were dead before I got to 24.
Having seen how other people with siblings have fallen out over inheritance etc, I’d say stick to one and make sure generous life insurance is in place should the worst happen. Although obviously I’d much rather had had them around much longer, them making me financially secure is something i will always be grateful for.
And DH and his siblings are always having a row about something or other, so really don't feel I’ve missed out on not having siblings.

I'm going against the grain here. I was you, i really wasn't sure about a second. In the end, i went for it, purely because i felt it was selfish of me not to give my child a sibling (im one of two, myself). It's been the best thing i could have done. They get along wonderfully. They love/adore one another (don't get me wrong they do fight too!!) but compared to DD's friendship group of 5 other 'only' children, she has a readymade play mate at the weekends, evenings & holidays. I love seeing them together. Never regretted it for a second. Although second baby was HARD because of my age and being more exhausted, over it, etc etc.... but now they're 9 and 6 it's fantastic.

Everyone always says there's no guarantee they'll get along when it comes to siblings, but myself and my brother have always had the closest relationship. We live 10 mins apart, see each other maybe once a month and although i wouldnt go to him first for advice that id ask a best friend for, i do still go to him when it's life changing things. When our parent went, were we each other's rock and so i have no experience of siblings not getting along or being supportive. Of my own friendship group, we are all close to our siblings. We don't all see them 24/7, but definitely enough that they're in our lives more than once a year and regular chats etc. If i look to my extended family group, this is the same for them too... but perhaps we're all just lucky and unique. It seems if you base it on Mumsnet, most siblings don't get along! Not sure how accurate that is though...

Siblings are important, they teach the other child so much. So i'll say YNBU but don't dismiss what a second could bring, beyond 'extra family when you're gone'

I’ve just turned 44 and think of this every now and then. My Dad died a few months ago and my mum isn’t very mobile or able to lift anything halfway heavy. My DD is almost two and my Mum has never held her in her arms as she was too heavy, she has had her on her lap when she was a baby. I found it really sad. That the most upsetting as my Gran practically raised me and I knew her from day one, and my other Gran. We won’t have another child (not planned anyway) though as we are too old. My partner is 58, plus we can’t afford it or have enough space.

I’ll have to become one of the more outgoing mums who invite kids on holiday and for lots of play dates. Like you I think we can give DD such a better quality of life. I think a second would be exhausting and feel like I’d never get back to a career.

I'm 25, with older parents and a younger brother.

My dad has just been incredibly ill. Cancer scare, hospital, end of life plans discussed with him. I don’t know what I would have done without my brother. I couldn't have coped alone.

I'm 40 and currently pregnant with a toddler I work 4 days a week and I am exhausted it has not been easy and I've been lucky enough to have a straight forward healthy pregnancy (touch wood)

if you are finding it really hard work imagine how much harder it's going to be heavily pregnant and recovering after birth with a newborn.

your son will be fine I know lots of adults who are only children some with older parents they're not alone like pp said they have created their own families.

YANBU. You can't know how things will work out and there is no way of knowing what's the right thing to do.

How wealthy are you (you don't need to answer that!) if you have enough cash can you outsource a lot more of your parenting? I used to live in South Africa and lots of wealthy locals seemed to have loads of kids effortlessly possibly because they had lots of help. Even just having a cleaner makes a massive difference.

I think there is something in the suggestion that two kids can be less work than one. My kids used to play together a lot throughout their childhood.

I think I'd always be a little worried about what happens if you have another kid and it has additional needs.

Having myself had a single child,I’d say don’t feel bad about having just the one.
i have siblings and we don’t get on!
they’d certainly not offer me any support! Ever!
you DS will get the best of you and his dad.