To choose to only have one child even though I'm an older mum?

[jellybeanathome]

Just that really. I'm an older mum (40 with an 18mo) and have always felt worried and guilty that by the time DS is my age, we'll likely be either much slower or even gone. I've always thought we'd have two children for this reason so he isn't on his own when we're gone.

But I find him REALLY hard work. He's a beautiful, strong, smart, wonderful kid but I am exhausted and so is my DH (we both have busy, challenging jobs too). We've recently started to wonder if we should plough all of our resources (not just financial) into bringing up one child amazingly and, I must admit, I've thought "if he were an only child, we could..." more times than I have yearned for another.

The only thing stopping me from making the decision is the overwhelming guilt and worry I feel at the thought of him being alone in the world when he is my age. The thought of him not having a sibling or grandparents to help him when he has a DC like I've had (we're so lucky with our families) makes me really sad.

I'd really love your thoughts and experiences on this.

So... AIBU?
YABU - stop being selfish now so your child has more family later in life.
YANBU - you'll give him an amazing life and he will be fine when he is older.

I am 35 and have decided to stick with one, my DD is 4 years old. She is so sociable, and I sometimes feel guilty but she is with other kids most days 8:30-4:30 and then when she is home I like I can focus my time on her (and work and chores!)
I think for me if I had two I would feel guilty that one or the other wasn't getting enough of 121 time! But that's me, damned if you do damned if you don't 😂
But in summary what makes me counteract the guilt is knowing I give her my everything, hope this helps.

I'm not too worried about care. We've seen family members' lives be completely taken over with care and have promised we'll make provisions to ensure DS isn't responsible for us when that time comes.

Having a sibling does not provide a guaranteed life long companion.

My sibling hasn't spoken to me for 6 years. He is likely to be very very difficult about the estate when my parents go.

I have one child and have done a lot that simply would not have been possible with more.

You need to accept you can't predict the future. He may have wonderful or terrible siblings or he may have a great or terrible time as an only - or something in between.

I am an older parent to an only child and I don't feel too anxious. I get on well with one sibling and not well at all with another. I have good friends but could do with more living locally. I will try and bring up my child as sociable and confident so they can form their own networks in the future.

Try not to overthink the unknowable.

Just my opinion, I think longer term 1 child is more exhausting. Being a child’s only source of entertainment and companion at dinner and on holiday, always having to arrange play dates.
I think siblings on mn are constantly dismissed, in my life everyone I know is close to their sibling. Mine is fabulous and considering we became orphaned at 20 and 25, I know how important they can be.

That's not quite how I feel (again, maybe I haven't worded the web of feelings about it I'm experiencing very well). I wouldn't say a second child is unwanted, I'm just worried about how we'll cope with a second. If we had infinite money/time I'd probably not even be thinking about sticking to one.

I agree with this.

I'm an only child but I was never lonely. My parents took my friends and a similarly age cousin on trips with us when I was growing up. There were/are older people in my life I can rely on and I have a strong group of friends.

DD is an only too and we have several close family friends who are her "aunts and uncles" who love her and who she loves. We've been lucky that several friends have children of a similar age. DD is 5 and our friends kids range from 8 to newborn.

The only thing I do think about is the age difference. My parents were in their 20's when they had me whereas we were in our 30's. My FIL is in his 70's, fit and healthy and involved in DD's life so there's no reason to assume we couldn't be similarly involved grandparents if DD has children on the later side .

I think an only child - or indeed those who have siblings - need to focus first and foremost rather than building relationships with other people - my logic being -

if you have confidence you’ll eventually and naturally attract the right kind of people 🙌

It took us several years to finally have a successful pregnancy and we now have DD to whom I gave birth at 41. In the ideal world I would have loved another child but in reality I recognise I don't have it in me anymore to go through the baby years again. Even though our DD is now 2y5m it is hard work as I don't have that energy level I used to have in my 30s.
I think you need to think of if YOU can actually do it again.

Have to admit this is what always makes me a bit uncomfortable about the ‘should I have another baby so my DC1 isn’t an only’ discussion.

Reasons in no particular order:

1. We had one healthy child, no guarantee that subsequent children would be given that I’d be at least 38.
2. Having DS made me anxious. I’m not sure how well my mental health would have coped with a second.
3. We had a good balance of having family time and time to ourselves.
4. For DH, the environment was a factor too.

DS is 10 now. The only time it’s been difficult was during the pandemic.

Charming! Good morning to you.

OPs entire post was about not really wanting another child but feeling overwhelmingly that having a sibling woild
make her first child’s life better and I was pointing out the absurdity of that thought process by presenting it in simple form.

have a lovely day and perhaps pop a sugar in your coffee.

In a nutshell -

an only child can thrive and have a great childhood - so can a kid who’s one of 10 + like our grandparents were 🤣

But PLEASE PLEASE let them be their own person - I can’t stress this enough!!

Yes of course! I work with children and can see the damaging effects of parents trying to force a direction / put pressure on them in my work. I think I'm in a good place to raise children well... I'm just in a quandary about how our family is going to look in the future.

Totally hear you op. I had mine at 40 and she's coming up to 3. I love her so, so much but it is HARD. And yet I was looking at the baby videos yesterday and getting a bit misty and thinking, well maybe we could try...

But I'm 43 and I'm knackered. The thought of going through pregnancy, then the sleep deprivation, weaning and the whole thing again when we're through the worst with dd-head says a very firm no! And I know it's the right decision for all that you mention, including the increased risk of disabilities. I speak to my brother once a year and we don't even like each other very much.

But a little bit of me will always pine for what could have been.

Im an only with rapidly ageing parents and totally get the worry. I desperately wanted a sibling growing up, however things were much better financially because I was an only. I was lucky to go to private school and my df and I (dm wouldn’t travel) went on some amazing holidays. growing up, I was very close to my cousins which in hindsight were decent sibling substitutes

i think it must be hard to close the door on having a 2nd child however it doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to have one, especially at your age

your child will have lots of love and attention and will not have to fight with siblings for anything, including when you’re gone. Not having siblings absolutely does not have to mean they will be lonely. It does mean they will have more of your attention, time and support as they grow up which will be invaluable to them.

Another mum of an only. I really feel for you OP. The guilt is hard. My DC ( now primary school aged) has asked about a sibling a lot. It's helped to have been open with them from a young age that we won't be having another because we don't want another baby and "you are perfect for us".

I feel blessed that I never hankered after another for my own sake but it is still hard. I find it hard when I see someone with adult children. I'd have liked that. But it's not going to happen. Reasons being:

1. my health is not good as it is, I can't cope with pregnancy, birth and sleep deprivation again.
2. having DC 1 opened my eyes to the reality of the climate and ecological emergencies. I can't bring another child into that.
3. Dealing with siblings is hard work. They have different needs and don't always get on.

I think you really have to want it for yourself.
I put lots of work into helping my DC maintain close friendships.

Hmmm. Do you have extended family - lots of cousins etc? If you’ve got a large more involved family I’d be a bit more relaxed. But in all honesty if you can I think it would be good for the child. No - sibling relationships don’t always work out but oftentimes they do. When my elderly mum died my brother and I banded together to sort the house, the sale, all the belongings - I cannot imagine trying to do that all alone. On balance I do think siblings are positive in a child’s life all things being equal

Oh exactly this. You've put it into words so much better than I did!

My parents were both only-child so I had no aunties/uncles/cousins. I've been nc with my mother since I left home at 14. I have 2 siblings and due to our small dysfunctional family we are very close. I hate to think of how my life would have been without them.

Circumstances change, are unpredictable and we're all different. So I think you should do whatever makes you happiest. Follow your instincts

OP I'm 53 and have a 15 YO DD.

It means I will have to work until I'm at least 60 whilst she gets through school and uni etc

Make a practical decision not an emotional one. Now that said she has cousins etc locally and they are all pretty close.

18 months is a hard age as they're mobile and language still developing. My DS will be 2.5 by the time baby no.2 arrives and he's much easier all around now.

I always wanted lots of children so was never going to stop at 1 but have had the same thoughts about what we could give 1 child in comparison to 2/3.

I know (especially on here) not everybody's experiences of siblings is positive but for me, DP and those around us we all have great sibling relationships so I did want to give my DS. He'd have been just fine without though!

Have been thinking about a 3rd (as now having thoughts of what life could be like if we stop at 2 instead of go for 3) and what resonates with me the most is that when it comes down to it I'd rather have extra love and more chaos than extra money/time. This may change when faced with the reality of having 2 kicks in! What's right for one family isn't for another.

I’m sure you’re a great parent and your child will be fine in the future either as an only - or with slibling/s 🙌

If you would like another child then have one. That is the best reason to have one.

There are no guarantees in life and the only way you can definitely give your child a chance of not growing up alone is to give them a sibling. Of course they may not get on, but if an only child yours will potentially be left alone in the world, unmarried with no immediate family.