To think we shouldn't habitually lie to children?

[mossylog]

I've got a toddler who wanted some more chips. My mum was staying for dinner and she said "there's none left" to encourage him to eat more vegetables on his plate— there were a bunch left, which my son could have seen for himself if he'd looked carefully. I didn't make a deal of it at the time, but it annoyed me.

Lying to manipulate your child into desired behaviour seems bad to me. Parents who say "the batteries are dead" when they don't children to watch TV, it's just conflict avoidant and eventually erodes trust.

This isn't just about the chips, my mum tells constant inconsequential lies constantly. Pretending she's heard of something you're talking about, or that she's been to a place she hasn't. Never admitting ignorance, always wanting to seem informed. The upshot is, she gets on with every stranger she meets straight away, but I can't trust half the things she says.

YABU: white lies for social convenience are fine, everyone does it, or maybe it's fine when it's done to small children for an easy life.

YANBU: we should model being honest to children and we should avoid bullshitting

Here's another thought for you - parenting evolves as your child ages. Of course (most) parents won't continue to lie as the child ages and starts understanding more and more. What would be the point?

Your experience with your mother is definitely colouring your responses here because this isn't even something most parents think about I don't think. "It's spicy you won't like it" when they're 3 and "these are mine but you can have your own pack if you want". Or whatever.

In some ways I think lying also shows a lack of confidence in your own parenting. With my kids I always say “that’s enough chips” instead of “there’s none left”. In my mind my authority is just as much of a hard line as the reality of the chips having run out. They may have kicked off once or twice but beyond that they’ve accepted that mum’s decision is as final as there being none left.

The pp who distinguished between facts and opinions is right. There’s no point trying to lie to kids about reality: they’ll find out and then they won’t trust you. When it’s an opinion you can lie but only when they’re small. When they get to about 5 or 6 they know if you’re humouring them. From that point I go with things like “thank you for the cup of tea that’s really kind” instead of “this cup of tea is delicious”. I am very conscious of having an honest relationship with my children because my own mother lies about everything.

Btw I don’t put things like FC and the Easter bunny in the category of lies. That’s imaginative fantasy and I think children understand that it’s a magical idea rather than literally true.