To think that DH is in the wrong here?

[1014intheAM]

We have a 6 year old, who does swimming & football (one is a weekday evening the other a weekday morning).

He does reading club on day after school & then is in afterschool club Mon-Thurs.

He has said he would like to try another sport (specifically) & DH has said no more clubs.

It's just laziness on DH's part in my opinion. I do 90% of the club taking already, sort out homework, reading, spellings etc.

DH is a good dad generally but it seems like he doesn't value education for our 6 year old (weird as he has a teen from a previous relationship & always made time to sit and read/encouraged clubs etc - for context they didn't stick at any and they don't do any now). I honestly think it's laziness. He's head in phone work mode all the time.

Our 6 year old lacks confidence to try new things and so him saying he wants to try something is huge (I think). Trouble is we both work full time (though DH is self employed and not 'bound' by working hours like I am working hybrid) so whilst I could mostly make it work it would need support from DH on the odd occasion I can't.

Our 6 year old also doesn't love school and so I'm really keen to help him find something he's passionate about!

So I guess the the question is - WIBU:

Me, 6 year old does enough and kids can't do every club they ask for
DH, 6 year old should be encouraged to try new things and we should make it work

Might some kind of couples therapy be an option? Sounds like you have some very valid points and feelings and he’s not receptive, so I wonder if you need an outside source to help?

DD is now 20 so it's interesting to look back from a perspective of did she do much/too little?

Adding it up over the years she did gymnastics, swimming, dance, football, netball, cricket, Quidditch, rowing, Brownies/Guides/Rangers, after school club, choir....

Should stress - not all at the same time!!

Looking back, I think she did benefit from most of them. She still looks back fondly to the time in Year 6 when she was in four sports teams - making two County finals. Probably the most important thing is to make sure the child is enjoying them, let them give up if they're not, (football only lasted a term as she clearly wasn't into it) and (unless the impetus is coming from the child) don't push them to do anything competitive.

@NameChanged9 quite possibly. If I think about WHY is he not receptive, I honestly think if I say, take DS to this club, or help DS with his spellings, DH seems to think I'm asking for him to help ME not DS if you see what I mean. 'Why can't you do it?' is a frequent response.

Thank you she was wonderful.
Always there always made time.
She taught me things mum should have done.
Cooking baking sewing knitting cleaning budgeting plants wildlife etc.
She told my mother to cancel all sitters and she would do the job.
I only went to 2 clubs after that far better than the 6 I was in.
I stayed with my nan till I moved out no point being at home when no one was there to busy to want me around.
She was a god send in my teen years.

I'm with your husband. Don't make life difficult for yourself and kids need downtime.

@HPFA thanks for that perspective. I would absolutely let him drop one of the 'negotiables' if he really wanted to. So far he is happy at football (although he only wants to do it at the training time and not during lunchtime etc. on the school field with friends) so whilst he likes it, he doesn't love it and I would be open to dropping it if he asked (he hasn't).

Letting him try something doesn't mean that's it he has to do it forever. But I think sports and extra curricular are so important for confidence (I never did many - tried a few things and quit!).

I agree with the above. Kids can do too much and burn themselves out.

At your son's age I would have thought two was sufficient, op. Out of interest, is the new club also concerned with sport or is it something else that will benefit him?

@LBFseBrom the new club is a sport that he has expressed interest in specifically (much more that football but isn't a team sport and so won't have the social element that football does).

@1014intheAM can you tell your DH that him reading with his son is one of the best things he can do. Whether dads read can have a big influence on children reading especially boys

@crumblingschools yeah I will encourage it again. He seems to think because I read with him every night (non negotiable! for 10-20 mins) that he doesn't have to when actually DS would love both of us to read to him sometimes.

from 6-10 my kid tried all sorts of sports clubs, I allowed him to do whatever he wanted and drop things at the end of terms if it wasn’t for him or it all got too much. He’s 12 now and settled on one sport (many hours training per week) and I insist he continues with swimming club. He doesn’t excel at the sport he loves in competition but is always enthusiastic and ready to go for training, made great friends from other schools etc. The lure of screens and gaming will likely become ever stronger for your little one OP - I think you’d be wise to encourage any physical activity he wants to do!

Could you drop the swimming and then it’s only 2 clubs. Those weekly swim lessons aren’t great, a week in school hols intensive is often worth a year of tiresome after school lessons.

@Investinmyself he's not a strong enough swimmer yet so ideally I'd like to keep them and he does actually thoroughly enjoy it, although I could consider dropping for an intensive one if needed down the line.

I might have missed this, but could you take him to the extra activity rather than your OH? if his reason is he doesn't want another evening out of the house?

I don't think 2 clubs are much tbh, unless money is an issue. My children were doing tennis, swimming, football, piano, choir, etc at that age. If money isn't an issue, I'd be tempted to give them as much opportunity as possible – you never know a) what will stick in terms of passions for the future and influences from great teachers/coaches, and b) what will give the child a related boost in confidence/self-esteem and a new set of friends (which is often a good thing to have outside of school friends).

Your DH is a lazy twat who is not prioritising you or your DS. You work, do the vast amount of home and child-rearing stuff. I think this is your problem rather than the number of activities your son is doing.

Sorry to say it OP but outside of the discussion about clubs your DH sounds like a pretty disinterested 'Dad'. Does he do anything voluntarily with your DS without you having to ask him? I'd find it hard to be so passive about some of the things your DH has said, and the fact that he evidently did all this stuff with his older DC but won't bother now.

You sounds like a lovely, caring mum - your concern for him comes through your posts (alongside all the thought you're putting into helping him build his confidence, improve his reading etc). He's lucky to have you.

I always encouraged any sport/club DC wanted to try. I always warned that it may not be possible to get them to everything every week (2 children, various clubs/sports, often in opposite directions) My DH was also self employed but would never commit to be the default parent for anything.

My advice is let him have a go at new sport, discuss dropping something if it becomes necessary, remind DH he’s a selfish git, but don’t hold DC back just because DH cba 🤷🏼‍♀️
outsource some crappy jobs (housework, ironing, gardening.. whatever you dislike to give yourself some more downtime) They aren’t little for long, and he’ll never find that one thing he loves if he doesn’t get chance to try them when he asks.

If he enjoys it that’s different. Mine’s 18 now but looking back I think the weekly council run lessons were more hassle than what they got out of it and the intensive course was much better. My colleague with little ones has just done the same and found it so much better than the drudgery of a weekly class. I do agree being able to swim is important.

@JusteanBiscuits I do all activities at present, DH doesn't take to any unless I was to specifically ask...

It doesn't help that we are in a particularly busy period with parties at the moment which is far from ideal but isn't the norm.

@MindatWork he will take him out for a few hours at a weekend if I need a few hours for something - but he will outsource as much as he can. I've said to him before what would you do if I wasn't around and he said get a full time nanny!

I don't know if it's because he's older/more tired this time round or because he's stressed with work but he just doesn't seem to want to do more than the bare minimum. Or he talks about doing stuff with DS but that are DHs interests. He play a sport for example and said about DS doing that (in a few years - he's not old enough yet). He tried to teach DS to ride without stabilisers this summer and got frustrated after 2 short attempts and didn't do it again. Honestly, he's just lazy I think. Has a 'he'll be alright' attitude.

He is a very different parent to DS6 vs when his teen was the same age and I just don't know why that is.

He's 6! He needs some downtime

DD1 is 5 and at the moment we have a limit of two nights for activities during school week. Any more I found that it made family life tricky and it's just too tiring for everyone to be always rushing around in the evenings with no time to sit and have proper dinners or to decompress and do play/art stuff at home. So she does Rainbows and swimming during the week and drama on Sunday and that feels like a good amount to commit to, especially as we have another DC who will want to do their own stuff in a couple of years.

But that's just our situation. If it works for you all and DS is happy then I don't see the harm if he wants to do it.

Force his hand with a choice. Either DS does the football club or you go as a family on a Saturday morning and do it together for an hour. DH will take the path of least resistance. Because he can't come up with a good reason not to do it other than laziness.

People here are being a bit dim. The After School club is not an activity for DS - it’s childcare because DH can’t be bothered to pick his son up from school! The DH here could easily cancel an after school club session and swap it for something the DS wants to do. But he won’t, as it would involve some effort from him!

OP, read your husband the riot act. If he can’t put DS first one evening a week then what exactly is the point of him?!

edit: typo