PIL and overnight childcare

[Stressedoutmumof2]

Hoping to hear from grandparents on this one!

DH and I have two kids DS3 and DD1. They are fun but obviously challenging due to their ages but are generally good kids. PIL live 10 minutes away and my mum is also about 10 minutes away.

Both sets of grandparents did a fair amount of occasional babysitting when my eldest was a baby until he turned 1. However, circumstances changed and finances meant my mum had to go back to work and my MIL’s mum fell quite seriously ill so we haven’t seen them as much over the last 2 years and when we have, it’s always been with us present.

DH and I have the opportunity for a free overnight break a couple of hours away next month and I would love to be able to go. It’s been a really tough few months and like most parents, it would be great to actually reconnect as a couple for a change. I’ve asked my mum if she might be able to watch the kids but she’s working and I should now ask my PIL’s but I’m just a bit hesitant because I’ve sensed a lot of pulling back from them and I’m worrying I’ll put them in a position they feel they can’t say no to. If I’m honest as well, I worry that if they do say no it’ll confirm my feelings of them withdrawing and it makes me feel sad for my kids.

They definitely would not stay at ours so the kids would have to stay at their house. They have a big house and garden so space isn’t an issue. My PIL are young and fit in their mid 50’s and enthuse to everyone how much they love and dote on their grandkids so to anyone looking in would think they’d be delighted to have the kids stay. However, the reality of how much they see them or engage with them is quite different.

Shall I just ask? Obviously 3 and 1 are tough ages. Would other grandparents hate to be put in this position?

Ask....then you know.

DH should be the one to ask, not you. You didn't expect him to ask your parents. They may also find it easier to reply to him. If you're worried about putting them on the spot, he could phrase it as "before we start looking about for a professional babysitter, ..."

How is your MIL’s health now if she has been seriously ill?

Could your DH not ask seeing as they’re his parents. It’s certainly worth a try as it’s a once off and you’re not regularly asking!

This is a good way for the DH to begin. And yes, it needs to be the DH who asks.

Do your kids sleep through? Or wake up very early?

If so, I think no harm in DH asking them

If they are up in the night or wake v early, I don't think it's reasonable to ask anyone

Yes another one agreeing with this.

As you say, 3 and 1 is a LOT, we have the same age gap and found those ages by far the hardest stage (so far). Even another year or 18 months will make a big difference.

Good luck!

And by the way, it's perfectly possible to be an apparently fit 50-something and find the prospect of 24 hours caring for kids that age quite daunting. I speak from experience. If your MIL is still caring for her mum, that's probably taking it out of her quite a bit too.

I would ask (or get your husband to!) but maybe via email/text so you can say ‘absolutely understand if you can’t’ and so on, and you’re not putting them on the spot. Give them the chance to say no. Depends how communication in your family is, I frequently text my dad about such things so it would be normal for us, id everything is done in person in your family this might seem odd!

You won't know until you ask. They can say no and you'll need to make alternate arrangements.

Can you ask a friend to have your eldest and you will repay the favour the following weekend when you are back? Then maybe your PIL will just have your youngest child to look after.

This is exactly what I would do.

Agree with DH asking, and giving them an “out.” Nothing unreasonable in asking. I think you’d be unreasonable to take a no as a slight against you, though. Your MIL has had a lot on her plate, so what you perceive specifically as withdrawing from you is more likely to be her simply conserving her energy (both physically and emotionally) and possibly also some element of depression. Caring for an ill parent is consuming in all kinds of ways.

I had my 2 grandchildren aged 9 months & 3 for an overnight stay last month. However this was at their house so things were much easier although the baby doesn't go through the night yet so I was up giving him a bottle at 3am which is something I'm not used to!!! Then the 3 year old decided to come and join me in bed at just after 5am so I didn't get much sleep.
But I thoroughly enjoyed having them both and am happy to do it anytime as it is very important to me that I have a loving and close relationship with all my grandchildren.

Why would you ask when your dh is presumably capable of doing so? Don't do all the wife work!

I dont understand all the calls for the DH to ask? Why cant OP ask?

Why is that wife work?

It's wife work because why does the wife have to organise the childcare, especially when it's the man's family they'd be asking.

But particularly in this case, the DH should ask as it will likely be easier for the PIL to give an honest no to their son than their DIL. If OP asks they may feel more pressured to say yes.

Shy bairns get nowt..
Get dh to ask them.

Just ask, they can always say no. You could also start looking for a paid babysitter.

You can only ask. That’s what I did, and absolutely got that sometimes it would be a no, That was position with my late DM, DMIL.

I have been same myself, always told family and friends to ask , if I couldn’t do it ( for whatever reason ) I said no. Not a GP, but have Grand dog now and same approach. Being direct and clear is the best approach in all communication in my opinion.

Is MIL still caring for her poorly mother?

Both would be too much for me.

Mid 50’s is super young. Easily able
to deal with both. They are not elderly FFS. Even if it’s not their fave thing to do. It’s only for a night.

As a one-off they might be ok, just make it clear it really is a one-time thing and you won’t be making it a regular ask! My PIL are very hesitant with anything regular but once a year they have our 2 year old for a couple of nights. Takes them a week to recover though!

I haven’t told my DH yet as I was hoping I could arrange things as a surprise for him but this is probably unrealistic so I will rethink this.

Yes, my MIL is still caring for her mum but although the emotional toll of seeing her mum deteriorate is still there, she has now got proper carers in for her and her mum’s house has been renovated to allow her to live independently for as long as possible. She also has extra support from her sister who has moved nearby to assist. So the practical day to day care has got easier and her mum is relatively stable at this stage (and hopefully stays that way).