PIL and overnight childcare

[Stressedoutmumof2]

Hoping to hear from grandparents on this one!

DH and I have two kids DS3 and DD1. They are fun but obviously challenging due to their ages but are generally good kids. PIL live 10 minutes away and my mum is also about 10 minutes away.

Both sets of grandparents did a fair amount of occasional babysitting when my eldest was a baby until he turned 1. However, circumstances changed and finances meant my mum had to go back to work and my MIL’s mum fell quite seriously ill so we haven’t seen them as much over the last 2 years and when we have, it’s always been with us present.

DH and I have the opportunity for a free overnight break a couple of hours away next month and I would love to be able to go. It’s been a really tough few months and like most parents, it would be great to actually reconnect as a couple for a change. I’ve asked my mum if she might be able to watch the kids but she’s working and I should now ask my PIL’s but I’m just a bit hesitant because I’ve sensed a lot of pulling back from them and I’m worrying I’ll put them in a position they feel they can’t say no to. If I’m honest as well, I worry that if they do say no it’ll confirm my feelings of them withdrawing and it makes me feel sad for my kids.

They definitely would not stay at ours so the kids would have to stay at their house. They have a big house and garden so space isn’t an issue. My PIL are young and fit in their mid 50’s and enthuse to everyone how much they love and dote on their grandkids so to anyone looking in would think they’d be delighted to have the kids stay. However, the reality of how much they see them or engage with them is quite different.

Shall I just ask? Obviously 3 and 1 are tough ages. Would other grandparents hate to be put in this position?

Being a GP who only wanted to help, and who it seems got taken advantage of by SS and DIL and we have cut back 'overnights' too 1 a month. I threw myself into being a grandparent perhaps a little too keenly and to the detrement of other family life.

Perhaps ask PIL, maybe they don't want to be taken advantage of (i'm not saying you have), and rather than them offer and insert themselves into your lives, they want to be asked and invited in

Please don't put them in this position, your dc are VERY young and it is selfish to ask them so manipulatively as well. I have a 2yo who is SUCH hard work, a 1yo even worse. I would never ask this of anyone. Seriously don't use this as a measure of whether they are good gp or not. Extremely selfish.

There is nothing manipulative about asking a question in a clear and unambiguous way with no expectation of either a yes or no. It’s a reasonable thing to do.

Considering they have had children in quite sure they know what is is like to look after young children it will not come as a huge shock or stress to them. Manipulative an s selfish is a ridiculous statement, most grandparents are happy to have their grandchildren if they are capable and its not jury service they aren't being forced to babysit they can say no lol.
OP just ask, if they say no just don't ask again.

Sounds like it's too early for you to be doing this, if it's not an essential outing, or anything really date specific. My PIL had my two (before they became three) when they were 2.5 years and one year, and survived the ordeal. It was so we could go to a wedding and was just a one off. They were pleased to be able to help out, but certainly weren't volunteering to do this on a regular basis.

I’m really sorry @Stressedoutmumof2 it’s a bit shit that your PIL probably won’t help. Even if you are not a fan of your grandchildren as toddlers, you would put up with a bit of a shit day/night just to help out your son and his wife. I imagine they’ll love their GC at some point when they’re not as hard work but actually it’s too late then. Putting the love and work in now pays off. My children were really loved and cared for by my mum. Not so much my pil, now they’re older the pil are way more involved. More than my mum in some cases. But it doesn’t matter. My mum is who they adore.

I’m not a grandparent, but a parent of teens. I wouldn’t ask. 3 and 1 are tough ages and if the grandparents have been pulling back with babysitting / you’re noticing they have less energy, then they will find overnight babysitting very tiring. My pil used to do a overnight bandit once a year so we could go away for our wedding anniversary. When the youngest was 1 we noticed both pil were so grumpy and tired when we collected the kids we decided to not ask them anymore. A 24 hour babysit sting was just too much for them.
do you have friends with similar aged kids you could maybe ask? We found that worked better than asking grandparents.

How’re your finances? I would probably get an overnight nanny from an agency in these circumstances. Zero to worry about then.

Can you ask any good friends is they would stay over at your house

It's really not selfish to ask.....and it's certainly not manipulative!

Many grandparents do this without it being a big issue!

OP I thought you were going to say they were in their 80's!! My DH is in his mid-50's and this really wouldn't be an issue - a few of his friends have kids that age!!lol

This. 200000%.

I can't see what the problem is it's one night... not a week and they would be helping those they love(hubby and you too) (seasoned sleep over grandma here!)

I can understand your reluctance given they have pulled back and you have to ask on behalf of DH, so they may feel some pressure to agree. If your PiL are happy to do it, it would be a lovely experience for you and DH. It is worth asking.

We have never had anyone have dc 10 and 12 overnight - we did ask my parents a few times over the years but they always said no - they were older though and just didn't have the energy. I think I would have regretted not asking and they certainly didn't mind being asked.

the last time they babysat for one of our birthday meals (when we only had the 1 child) and we left at 7.30 and they messaged asking how long we would be at 9 as they were exhausted

Absolutely not then 😂 especially if they are early risers.

If you say they are good sleepers though-I’d take the free overnight accommodation and take them with us. Yes, it won’t be the same as going on your own, but still fun.

Sounds like you need to find a babysitter /overnight nanny

If it was just the three year old I'd ask but I think overnight will be too much with a one year old too.

Her children aren't hard work

I'm much older but I could cope with those for one night.

And my DH would get up in the morning!

If they are only mid 50’s no reason why they are too old / unfit to cope. It’s worth an ask, do it over message and say no pressure and they can think about it / discuss. Then they’re not put on the spot

I'm a 55 year old GP with no health issues. I have DGC overnight and have done since birth. But being entirely honest with you, I didn't exactly love it below the age of 2. I did it, because I know how much their parents valued the break, and we're that type of family where we all do what needs doing, but in all honesty, it wasn't the best. My point is, don't judge them as disinterested if they're not falling over themselves for this. You can love DGC very much but still hate a disturbed night and find 48 hours in sole charge of two toddlers daunting. If I were you I'd ask very cautiously making it crystal clear you understand if they say no. And keep in mind that a no at 3 and 1 isn't a no at 5 and 3, so there will no doubt be other chances.

You don't need to ask your PiL - that would be your DH, just as you asked your own mother, he can ask his parents.

Also, when your PiL previously looked after your kids and they were exhausted by 9pm, the kids were a lot younger too and probably needed a lot more looking after.