PIL and overnight childcare

[Stressedoutmumof2]

Hoping to hear from grandparents on this one!

DH and I have two kids DS3 and DD1. They are fun but obviously challenging due to their ages but are generally good kids. PIL live 10 minutes away and my mum is also about 10 minutes away.

Both sets of grandparents did a fair amount of occasional babysitting when my eldest was a baby until he turned 1. However, circumstances changed and finances meant my mum had to go back to work and my MIL’s mum fell quite seriously ill so we haven’t seen them as much over the last 2 years and when we have, it’s always been with us present.

DH and I have the opportunity for a free overnight break a couple of hours away next month and I would love to be able to go. It’s been a really tough few months and like most parents, it would be great to actually reconnect as a couple for a change. I’ve asked my mum if she might be able to watch the kids but she’s working and I should now ask my PIL’s but I’m just a bit hesitant because I’ve sensed a lot of pulling back from them and I’m worrying I’ll put them in a position they feel they can’t say no to. If I’m honest as well, I worry that if they do say no it’ll confirm my feelings of them withdrawing and it makes me feel sad for my kids.

They definitely would not stay at ours so the kids would have to stay at their house. They have a big house and garden so space isn’t an issue. My PIL are young and fit in their mid 50’s and enthuse to everyone how much they love and dote on their grandkids so to anyone looking in would think they’d be delighted to have the kids stay. However, the reality of how much they see them or engage with them is quite different.

Shall I just ask? Obviously 3 and 1 are tough ages. Would other grandparents hate to be put in this position?

I looked after my GCs (8 of them) a lot when they were young. I first became a GM when I was 45 and the last was born when i was 66. I had a lot of experience of children, being a childminder for 15 years plus a Scout leader. I was fortunate to have a good relationship with my children and their partners. Therefore looking after the little ones was really enjoyable but physically very hard work. Having them overnight or for 2 or 3 days was much harder as my DH was not very keen on the disruption.

In your circumstances, I would not ask for this. Clearly the grandparents want a hands off approach and might not want to do this. Their refusal might cause friction and tension.

As much as you both need this break, I don’t think your DC will enjoy staying with people they hardly know, and who may be nervous about caring for them. I wonder too, if you will really enjoy the break, knowing that the help might have been given begrudgingly.

Even if your MIL has carers for her DM they will only cover certain hours, if there's a problem outside she'll still have to deal with it. If her DM had an emergency would your FIL be able to cope alone? I know he's had DC but was he hands on or did MIL do it all?

Personally, I wouldn't ask if I were you. It sounds like your MIL has got a lot on her plate at the moment, and you have sensed your PIL have pulled back from you a bit, so presumably she/they can't handle any more at the moment.

I have cared for a terminally ill parent myself many years ago, and, even when we had carers coming in to help, it was still extremely draining both emotionally and physically. The carers themselves created problems for us so that was stressful too.

Your MIL may also be (peri)menopausal and, having looked after my own baby/young child in my early 40s while dealing with peri, I know how very difficult it can be.

I realise you will be wanting and needing a break but I don't think it would be reasonable to ask your MIL to look after 2 very young children. Take the hint from their stepping back. However, I also believe that they do still love both of your children, but caring for a seriously ill parent takes a huge toll on someone and she is probably currently stretched to her limit.

She hasn't. Her MILs Mum is the ill one.

Just ask them, sounds like you ask for nothing and they are not elderly or anything where they'd struggle to cope.

Ask her; we had a similar situation. We asked her to have them and she said yes; it was fine. I essentially learnt from that and the experience that she was happy to do ad hoc care but didn’t want to commit to anything regularly which was fine and since then we’ve all been a bit happier that we know where we are with things

Is your mum working all the weekend?

Grandmother here and I would definitely do it . I have one of mine for sleepovers just for the fun of it as it is . My DIL is the one to ask most of the time . Ask them.

For me I wouldn't ask because my children at that age, with little relationship with their grandprents, woul dhave been very unhappy. DD was a good sleeper etc so we left her with MIL and her SIL overnight when we went to a wedding once - it was a disaster. Bless them, they didn't call us but apparently everyone was upset, DD cried, DH's cousins who were a bit older were upset and trying to comfort her, no one got any sleep etc.

But if you do ask, of course your DH must ask not you and you should both respect that actually, it might be someting they dont' feel up to. My children aren't even grown yet but I'd be very very hesitant to have someone else's baby and toddler overnight.

I don’t think there’s any harm in your DH asking, especially if he phrases it in the way suggested.

Your kids are very little for anyone to babysit them overnight so it wouldn’t be unreasonable for them to say no even if they are fit and well, no pressing commitments etc

Like a pp, I am 45 and have my children still under 18 and at home. Even at my age I don’t think I’d want to have children that age overnight! Or would certainly be anxious about it.

I'd get DH to ask. But also it depends a lot on how the kids are overnight, if they generally sleep through, if they are easy to put to bed etc. I don't think they're young to leave overnight.

Grandmother reply. I’m in my mid sixties and would happily have mine (both under 4) overnight as long as grandfather was there as well. He might not be so thrilled but he’d do it. 😁
I’d be sad to think my son would go straight for a friend or professional without at least seeing if we’d do it. We look after them regularly anyway. If we couldn’t do it I’d just say. Ask them.

It's a tricky one. I think you just have to ask but be prepared for the answer to be no. I recently asked if my parents could have our two DC while I visited friends for the first time in 5+ years (DH was working). They said no so I had to cancel my plans and just accept I won't be allowed a social life outside of DC until they're grown up!

Agree except the OP said the MIL is mid 50s.

@Stressedoutmumof2 if you want to go to this overnight event, and think the children will be happy with PIL, then just ask, as long as you think their house is (or will be) baby/toddler safe. Most PILs would love to look after their children overnight. But I would get the children round to their house beforehand so that the environment is familiar to them

If they say no then it's probably because they can't for some reason. It's much better that they say no than they say yes, then stretch themselves, and then there is an accident.

Yes, but menopause usually happens between 45 and 55, perimenopause often lasts for several years including at least 1 year after menopause. Hence, MIL being mid-50s could well be menopausal. And that's just what's typical. I started perimenopause in my late 30s and I know someone who didn't go through menopause until their 60s.

Looking after an ill parent is exhausting. Will she have enough mental energy to care for two young children?
I mean you or DH can ask and they might say yes but don't take it as an insult if they don't. 1 and 3 are hard ages and I was in my late 20s when DDs were that age.

Is your mum working all weekend? If no, could care be shared?
My parents and DH's mum are both in 70's, so if we are going away for a weekend, my MIL will generally collect them from school on the Friday and have them overnight, and then my parents drive down when traffic is quieter on Saturday morning and have them until we get back on Sunday afternoon. They are now 5 and 8, but we have done this since they were 1 and 4. I appreciate we are very fortunate, and thst also this is starting to get a bit much, so am planning on doing childcare shops with friends in future.

I agree.

I wouldn't ask. Sounds like she has a lot going on and 1 and 3 year olds are a handful. I get you wanting to get a night off but let's be real, it's not what most parents of young DC get. It's just part of parenting and things will get easier in a few years.

I think the children are too young to be left for a jolly with people who don't really want to have them.
It's a big ask.
Different if grandparents were really keen or if it was something health or work related
Plus the health issues must have been exhausting mentally and probably physically too.
If you feel they're pulling back I wonder why. Are the children well behaved or are they shouting and crying all the time?
Is there no other family member who you could ask? Aunt uncle etc. or split the children and send to 2 different places.

Just ask, or better still get your DH to ask

This, but also think about whether your 1 and 3 year old will be happy being away from their parents overnight with people they don't see much?!

Thanks everyone. I spoke to DH and he laughed and said he’d ask them but reminded me of the last time they babysat for one of our birthday meals (when we only had the 1 child) and we left at 7.30 and they messaged asking how long we would be at 9 as they were exhausted. I’d forgotten this - probably too excited to have had any time out regardless of how long! However, it’s looking very unlikely but DH is going to ask with a very big get out, zero pressure approach.

For those interested in the kids routines, both are good sleepers and the eldest is pretty easy these days (or at least is very happy to be bribed) but they are hideously early risers 5.30-6am type children. Ugh. No wonder we’ve had no takers 😅

My mum works shifts so has two 12 hour shifts that weekend so her hands are tied (or so she says!) It’s okay though, I’ve resigned myself to having another date night at home instead and we’ll toast to 10 years time when we may be able to get a bit more of our life back.

I regularly had all 3 of mine in my 50s. Just ask!