Should I raise my child bilingually

[motherofbabydragon]

Posting here more for traffic then anything as i could really need some help. I grew up first bilingually and then picked up english once i was 8 years old going to an international school. I am fluent in all three of the languages I speak and would like DS 5 months to be fluent in one of my languages as well as english.

This is highly outing but one of the languages in Mandarin and the other German. The plan had been for me to speak to DS in mandarin and so far I have been consistent with it following the one parent one language rule. I am now questioning if this is the right choice out of multiple reasons.

It is a lot and I mean a lot of effort for me. Trying to find baby videos that are in mandarin rather then in english, especially when it comes to nursery rhymes. I don’t any longer know them in Mandarin and often find myself ending up singing the songs in english as that is the way i know them now (having worked in a nursery), so I am also having to watch these baby videos on repeat again and again until the Mandarin lyrics are imprinted in my mind over the english ones.

It’s not cheap. It’s twice the amount of books i will need to buy, twice the amount of audio books, twice the amount of movies etc everything we buy in english I will need to buy in Mandarin as well if I want him anywhere near fluent.

I speak Mandarin fluently and understand it fluently. Unfortunately when it comes to writing and reading I am basically illiterate which can make it even more tricky to source the material.

There is also another problem. One side of my family is German and I have been thinking if I should maybe speak to him in German instead. Arguments for this would be a) I can actually read and write in German, and b) my German family unlike the other side do not speak English. By not teaching him German I will essentially be cutting him off from my family. Though I do want to point out that my father and both grandparents have passed away so no close relatives that he would be missing out on.

My main concern is that he is 75% european and i worry if i do not speak to him in mandarin he will not feel very connected to his asian heritage and culture.

I am just so torn and at times do wonder if it is even worth the effort as I know realistically him speaking to me in Mandarin and being fluent rather then just replying to me in English are slim. I am fluent because my parents divorced and my mum being my primary caregiver even though I grew up in Germany meant I was in a Mandarin exclusive speaking household. This is something I won’t be able to replicate.

I do want to add DH and his family are very supportive so it’s not a lack of encouragement or support that is causing me this doubt

I would speak to him in mandarin.

The reasons are
I think it will be harder to pick this up as an adult if he wants
There are sounds and intonations that are harder for older children and adults to learn
Family connection and heritage (eg there is no way people may assume from looking at him that he is German but dependent on his heritage people may occasionally speak to him and expect him to understand)
German is taught at school

Have a look for local groups, there may be, depending on where you live, various groups and when he is older, Saturday school to help with reading and writing. These groups will be able to point you to other resources eg may have films and books to borrow informally. YouTube is good for kids cartoons in other languages.

Haven’t read all of the replies but I would suggest finding a Saturday school for him to go to. I know there are ones for Japanese, I would think there would be the same for Mandarin?

And it’s definitely worth pursuing, I think he will really wish you had if you don’t (speaking as a child who was only taught English and now learning Japanese as an adult - very hard!!)

@TestingTestingWonTooFree for me it was just my mother exclusively speaking to me in Mandarin and of course i would speak German as my farther is German and I lived in Germany. Technically English is the only language I had to properly learn as a second language but because I was so young and in a English exclusive speaking school I picked it up very fast and was pretty much fluent after three years

@adayofsuns that is one of my mum’s biggest criticisms of her parents never speaking to her in Japanese so she grew up only speaking Mandarin until she picked up English at school and German at university.

There are three languages in our family - two are major, global languages, the third is relatively small and almost unknown outside of its own country. I'm the native English speaker, my wife has the other two. DD is now 8 and is pretty fluent in both major languages. So far, she's not done much with the third language, largely due to lack of opportunity and resources.

A couple of key things for us. Although far from fluent, I speak and understand the second major language pretty well. So there's not much difficulty with explaining something to DD in one language, then having to explain it to me all over again. Other families with a similar language pair often struggle if one language is only known to one parent.

Because we live in England, I was fairly relaxed about providing any 'formal' English-language training before she started school. I reasoned that she was getting all the environmental cues you'd expect and her English was developing normally. She's probably a bit more eloquent than the average 8yo now, which might be partly due to knowing another language pretty well. In the second language DD needed some tuition to support day-to-day chat with mum, grandparents etc. This tuition also helps ensure that the second language isn't just some kind of odd thing that happens at home - there's a further context. I'm sure if you look around you can find Mandarin tutors who work with young kids.

Resources: if you're looking at language as a link to culture, you'll want the Mandarin equivalents of the bedtime stories you would have in German or English. Sure, three little pigs translated into Mandarin won't hurt, but I'm sure there are Chinese children's stories that are more appropriate, and introduce aspects of that culture. So you don't necessarily have to duplicate resources in the same way. We also found a lot of useful material online - YouTube had a lot of good archive material from my wife's childhood so I got a crash course in foreign kids' TV as well!

What I can't say at the moment is how long DD will remain interested. I suspect at some point she might decide that she doesn't really need a second language, but for the moment she's happy using both and will switch between them easily as required.

It sounds like you are finding it stressful… can you find another Mandarin speaking family and make it a fun playdate thing?

My nephews learnt Mandarin from their Mum and even spent time in China before school but now they have completely forgotten it so just be aware you need some consistency.
Also you can teach German too. You dont need to choose one. Maybe order some second hand German books . I have 10mins in the morning where I read French books and speak French. Not much but allowing some familiarity with the language.

@adayofsuns i have seen one close enough for us to take him so I do plan on taking him to saturday classes at the chinese school

Mine were brought up bilingual.
My husband is British, I'm German so both languages were spoken at home.
It stood them in good stead in adulthood career wise as they're fluent in both and able to switch between one language and the other in a blink

My mum was fluent in French but didn't speak it to us and I am gutted about that.

My SIL parents can't speak English so she is completely bi lingual. She was bullied and always has to translate for them. I think this was very difficult for her . As a result she hasn't passed that on to her kids and they can't speak to their grandparents and they can't understand them.

@andyindurham i do very much remember the chinese stories my mum shared with me and am very much looking forward to sharing them with my dc right now it is still mainly baby books but i have read to him a book about the zodiac race which was fun.

The main thing is that there isn't just one way to do bilingual. MN seems to only believe in OPOL but I know loads of people who are bilingual/have bilingual kids and none of them did OPOL (including us). So I suggest finding a way that works for you personally. OPOL is a lot of work and can make shared family time awkward.

It may be that a combination of lots of Mandarin from you, a Mandarin speaking nanny and Saturday school will provide enough language foundation and cultural connection that your child can pursue greater fluency when they're older if they want to. For all you know your child may feel closer to their German identity and be upset with you someday that you didn't prioritise German at this age. Grounding them in all 3 languages might be better than choosing one language for OPOL?

Absolutely do it! Has given my DC a big boost professionally having an additional language. My DGC are also spoken to in both languages and can understand everything and will speak when in the home country.

That's pretty much the only Chinese story we know. The local Oriental museum had a lovely pre-school group and did a lot with that at the lunar new year.

@Ger1atricMillennial that is sad to hear and it is sad she was bullied for it and also sad that now the children are missing out on this communication.

I will stick with the Mandarin and cross my fingers it sticks with him when he is older. If anything at least I do want him to be aware of his cultural heritage on my side even if he does not become fully fluent

Although far from fluent, I speak and understand the second major language pretty well. So there's not much difficulty with explaining something to DD in one language, then having to explain it to me all over again. Other families with a similar language pair often struggle if one language is only known to one parent.

This is the main reason no one I know did very strict OPOL. It's not the only option.

Please carry on! As a linguist who has had to learn all my languages after age 11, I can say you are giving him a wonderful gift, and particularly with Mandarin, which is such a tricky language for English-speakers to learn. You’re setting him up for life, linguistically and culturally.

It’s great that your DH is supportive. I would echo some of the other comments above about spreading the burden and finding other people who can speak to him
in Mandarin.

And I would actually focus on Mandarin rather than the language where you have family speakers because the latter could be an incentive for him to learn German as well and let you speak to him in it if he’s interested and if you visit them.

@andyindurham i actually do remember a lot of them and did always enjoy them too. Being at the other end now I really do appreciate the time and efforts my mother invest in me in making sure i was fluent and feeling culturally asian (in all honesty culturally i feel more asian then german which is hard as i look wise take more after my father’s side so in a way never quite fully fit in with either group)

DT’s grew up trilingual - best gift we could have given them.

@CatStoleMyChocolate 100% going to look for maybe even Mandarin speaking baby groups and later school, nanny etc so it is not just me that he is speaking in Mandarin to

I think bilingualism is the best gift you can give a child. Another language learned pretty much effortlessly on the child’s part but opening numerous doors throughout their lives!

You say that you are essentially illiterate in Mandarin, so it’s hard to source books and written materials. But what about the pinyin method of transliteration? Are there no stories for kids written in that which you could read out?

Also, you mentioned trying to get Mandarin TV when he is older, but don’t forget that Netflix and other streaming services often have a choice of languages in the settings so you could just watch US or British stuff dubbed into Mandarin. I have fond memories of perfecting my French when I was an au pair in Paris by watching American sitcoms dubbed into French!

We're raising our DC bilingually. It was a LOT of effort in the early years (English is the 'minority' language so most of the effort was on me) but now they are older it has really paid off.

We had books, DVDs and music in both languages. It is expensive but a good investment IMO. We never had real duplicates but we did have certain episodes of Fireman Sam in English and others in French. In fact our then 2 year old used to ask for "Firesam" or "Sam Pompy" (Sam le pompier) depending on which DVD he wanted to watch 🤣

They are now in secondary school and favour English for reading and films despite living in France and going to French schools.

I appreciate that Mandarin things are harder to come by than English ones, but definitely try and find a community to help you.

Everything I was going to suggest has been mentioned (finding Mandarin speaking groups/other parents, a mandarin speaking au pair or nanny, genuine kids stories and TV not just translations) but I just wanted to say, keep at it, you are doing a great job. I feel like the realistic outcome for bilingual children with not much outside input is understanding rather than spontaneous use of the language, but that shouldn't be underestimated.

My parents spoke different languages but did so inconsistently to me. I understand both but only have full mastery of one rather the other. I don't regret it- I actually couldn't care less.

We are in a similar set up with my husband with a different language. I haven't consistently used my language with my DC so while they speak it to a certain extent, they are definitely not fluent. I can't get worked up about it. Neither can they. It honestly was such a faff otherwise. I don't regret it.

My children all grew up bilingual. You have to be disciplined but it is worth it. I would be tempted to speak the language you are least likely to give up on. Do you think speaking mandarin will become too much of a challenge and you will eventually give up? If so then I would concentrate on the German more. Especially if you visit that side of the family. It will have more meaning. They can always pick up mandarin as a second language later on and you can help.