To envy my sister's freedom?

[soloholidayenvy]

My sister is a few years younger than me (both late 30s), and has no children (by choice). She earns really good money and has decided to book a spontaneous last minute solo holiday this weekend. I'm a mum of 2 and I couldn't contemplate doing that. I mean we have lovely family holidays obviously but I just got a pang of envy when she told me she'd booked a solo trip! Am I strange for feeling this? Anyone else get what I mean?

I love my DC more than anything, wouldn't send them back for the world, but am I envious of friends who can just jet off on a weekend break? Of course!

It seems equally important for childfree people on the internet to tell parents they NEVER envy ANYTHING about their lives EVER, so I think both ‘sides’ do their share of trying to rub the other’s face in the superiority of their choices. It’s all fairly petty and not how people interact irl in my experience, but this kind of thing is endemic on the internet and it isn’t limited to the choice on whether or not to have children.

OP; you seem pretty self aware of why you feel this way and I don’t think it’s unreasonable. You have a pang of envy for what she’s doing, but it’s not like you want to step into her skin and swap your lives - you’d want to do the same thing “as you”, but there’s psychological or practical reasons you feel you can’t right now. All perfectly normal. Even people who are perfectly happy experience this, whether it’s over jobs or where they live or holidays etc.

I think it's especially petty of parents to come over to the MNers without Children board where we are all quietly minding our own business enjoying our child freedom to tell us how wrong and misguided we are.

I agree with you there @KimberleyClark but I think that sometimes goes both ways, though perhaps not nearly that often. This being the Internet.

There are a couple of posters who are constantly posting on threads by new sleep deprived mums asking for help with screaming babies, saying " I am so glad I didn't have children." Not sure how that is helpful or even convincing. That's petty too.

I agree with you that's not helpful.

Yes, that’s definitely not on.

Your sister is probably envious of you and at times looks at your babies and wonders what if.

I very much doubt she is.
I have never felt envious of people with children, quite the opposite! I love being childfree and think how stressful days out etc look with kids, they change the dynamic of everything - to me in a negative way which is why I choose not to have children.

I don’t get where this arrogant view that childfree women must be somehow envious of people with kids comes from.

I’m happy for people who want to be parents and have children, good for them, but no the majority of childfree women do not envy you.

YANBU kids are hard work and she's going to relax on holiday.

It's normal to be envious of something you want but believe you can't have.

Would you be able to arrange a holiday away from your children and your dh can then do the same? There is nothing wrong in wanting a break.

I believe nothing that is meant for you will pass you by.

There are plus points of having kids. They are amazing but very hard work of course. Book that holiday or break and have a chill. You will see your envy reduce.

Do you have any relatives who could look after your kids for a weekend so you could yourself and (or not!) other half away?

A colleague is doing just that with her husband. DS is staying with both sets of grandparents.

I have 2 young dc and I don't feel the envy. I genuinely look forward to our weekends together and I accept that's our life now. We do short UK breaks as a family (which are exhausting, and often involve 2+ days of theme parks) and nice days out, I enjoy planning interesting activities for us as a family. My brother is child-free and does breaks on his own a lot but it's not something I'd want now even if DH suggested I went away on my own. I'd just miss them all and wouldn't enjoy it.

Ok, fair enough. Either way, I personally can't see any upside or have ever wondered what if and my child free friends are the same. I suppose though if you don't have kids by choice then why would you ever think what if or be envious of someone who does have kids, it's not a life you can relate to. On the flip side, those with kids remember what it was like to have the freedom they had before having kids so naturally they could miss that.

It's a bit bleak for people with children if people without children never think 'that looks like fun' about any aspect at all, ever.

Why? Isn’t it enough that parents get some satisfaction or enjoyment out of it? Why do people who’ve chosen not to do something have to validate those who have, so that they don’t feel bad?

Agree with others - that’s not on. If I saw that type of thing I’d call it out but I don’t click on that type of thread (for obvious reasons - I have absolutely no useful advice).

I think the parents who come to the MNers without children board & tell us how great life is without kids, and the childfree women who talk on the parenting threads about how glad they are not to have kids, are all protesting a bit too much & might be trying to reassure themselves about their choices.

Goes both ways. I see plenty of people going on and on about how great kids are and it just seems like they are trying to justify their own choices as well, usually a bit too loudly.

Either way we have all made our own choices and have to live with them. I genuinely can't stand kids so I know it's the right choice for me.

You know, one day you were a child as well? Can't stand carrots, can't stand rude people fine, but all children. 😬
To say "can't stand" is generalised IMO, children aren't all the same. To not want kids is totally fine, "can't stand kids" as a whole is a bit much.
Maybe you were meaning that you're uncomfortable around children, no experience with them, haven't got the tolerance or patience for them, and wouldn't enjoy being a Mum. This is fine.

I don't like kids, never have. I would absolutely not enjoy being a mum but I also don't like kids, can't stand kids, whatever you want to call it, it is what it is. Luckily my best friends all don't have kids, my sibling doesn't have kids and I hardly see my nephews, so it's not something I have to worry about.

I get what you're saying, and do agree to an extent. However, there are people (like me) who have lived both and prefer their life with kids (for this stage of life). Would I have preferred it when I was younger? Hell no, but at this stage of my life, I'm happier than I would be with the alternative that I have experienced. I have many opportunities to do child free things, but I miss my kids, they enhance my life, and are caring, and kind. I can see how if you have them young, and haven't experienced life, travelled and done everything you may feel differently though.

Try and do it yourself, I'm a mom of 2 and if I don't take solo trips every 4/6 months I honestly really suffer, 2 nights is all I need, then I come back and I'm a better more happy mom. Save up and spoil yourself. X

Ahh, I understand. Maybe it could be fear of the unknown, the unpredictability of children. I am a very organised person, hate mess, so my kids turned my world upside down at first. With dc1 I was panicking "what have I done?!!! Then he grew up into a beautiful little boy, that I enjoy the company of.

I'm now at the stage where they are both proper little people. My 7 year old is a wise head on young shoulders and I can have a deep conversation with him. He corrects me on my lack of knowledge about the finer details of space. I find him more interesting, and polite than a few adults I have had the misfortune of having vacuous conversations with. Adults can be downright awful too.

It is definitely unpredictable though, and a life long commitment, and even more daunting if you haven't been around them. I see many children that would drive me up the wall, and would have put me off for life. It is highly subjective and situational I suppose

I had this feeling about starting martial arts again, the class is 2 evenings a week and I thought it was impossible with childcare and DH work but DH made it happen.

Do it!

Ahh, I understand. Maybe it could be fear of the unknown, the unpredictability of children.

Or, like me, she might simply prefer cats. Who are furry and fascinating (especially my cat).

I know. I was just wondering where to start with that one, but you beat me to it.

The grass is always greener. I yearned to have kids, love them to bits but now I yearn for some freedom and less responsibility. I sometimes get a bit envious of people who have separated ( not the separation bit, that must be so hard) but the fact they get every other weekend to themselves and a break from all the hard work.....what I'm not seeing is all the single parenting they are doing or how hard it must be when they are unwell but still have the kids etc.

I totally agree. I can’t stand kids either.

They are loud, obnoxious, annoying and change the dynamic (negatively) in every social setting.

Some Mums still can’t accept and understand that other people don’t actually like your annoying bratty whinny kids. Ergh.