To envy my sister's freedom?

[soloholidayenvy]

My sister is a few years younger than me (both late 30s), and has no children (by choice). She earns really good money and has decided to book a spontaneous last minute solo holiday this weekend. I'm a mum of 2 and I couldn't contemplate doing that. I mean we have lovely family holidays obviously but I just got a pang of envy when she told me she'd booked a solo trip! Am I strange for feeling this? Anyone else get what I mean?

DH and I often reminisce about our childfree days and feel a pang of jealousy when our childless friends have spontaneous (and cheap!) holidays during term time, tidy houses, regular nights out. But we look at it as short term pain, long term gain. The time goes quickly and in say 10 years, DC will be older and we will have more time to ourselves, hopefully with the chance for a weekend break or even a full week away without them. And I'm excited for the potential future, the memories we'll make on family holidays, seeing them grow up and make lives for themselves, the big family Christmasses once they start to find partners, hopefully grandchildren one day. So whilst I might have that fleeting jealousy, I'm still happy with my life choice and wouldn't change it.

I read it as ‘every decision has an effect’. If you end up in a life you didn’t choose, there will be a decision behind it.

Not every decision is known to be a bad one at the time of making, however. But I read thread after thread on here where woman have children with ‘useless’ husbands who admit to them being useless before, and I do think well, there is a decision that you made.

What's weird about this thread is some people making stereotyped assumptions.

My friend did manage to conceive eventually (after years of trying and fertility treatments). Before that though nobody, not even her family, knew she wanted kids. That's why we were all surprised when she announced her pregnancy.

Of course some people choose to be childfree but it's wrong to assume that everyone who says it's a choice is telling the truth. Turned out it had been too painful for my friend to tell anyone when she thought she'd never have children. Especially as most of the her friendship group including me, and her sister, had children.

My friend's example btw is relevant to the poster who thinks everything in life is a choice. Others have already pointed out that's not the case with many people because of unplanned life events. Infertility is one of those unplanned events.

Also the stereotype that every childfree woman is well-off financially, has lots of holidays etc. I suppose it may depend on if they have a partner but even if they do, not every couple is financially ok. And if single, well statistically single childfree/childless women are amongst the poorest group in society. Probably because it's so expensive living alone.

I'm lucky. I wanted children and got the life I chose. I also enjoy family holidays (and know I'll miss them when my DC are older). But I'm aware that I'm lucky and not everyone is so lucky to have what they wanted in life.

Some people will, I’d expect people who’d like to have children but for some reason can’t.

But sometimes it’s like saying ‘don’t worry about feeling envy at people who have disposable income and can buy whatever they want, I’m sure sometimes they envy your money worries too!’ 😂

Not every scenario has an inverse one to match.

What an odd comment. ’The childfree’, who are you referring to, cattle?

I went to the theatre and had lots of fun, with a friend. I didn’t realise you could only do that with a daughter!

It isn't either/or definitely. When I was younger I wanted a different kind of life, big birthday nights out, girly holidays etc. I did all of that travelled and lived life, and kids wouldn't have been part of it. I would not have wanted them at that point.

Now I have different wants/and needs. I would be envious of family Christmases, the build up with santa etc, birthdays, Easter, tooth fairy, halloween, all of the cool things you can do with your children. I love seeing dc's faces light up on Christmas morning, all of the build up, doing all the fun things! With not having dcs too young I have experienced both, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. We get time to ourselves still, now they're at school, and meals on own, all our evenings when they're in bed. They're pretty good kids anyway tbh. As cliche qs it sounds they've made me into a better person, less selfish somehow, and happier overall, less petty over stupid things.

Yes that’s how I read it too.

Completely agree - the amount of women on here complaining about their partners yet they are choosing to have children with them, often multiple children, then in uproar when their relationship ends with said shit partner and start demanding their child free “me time”.

It’s selfish and cruel. If as a Mother you aren’t prepared to take on full responsibility and care for your offspring, if need be, then you shouldn’t be having them.

Even then, there would be something else.
Happiness is accepted when you live in the here and now and life dosent have a load of conditions attached to it.

Is the childfree an offensive term? I didn't think so. What's your objection to it?

And I didn't say you could only go to the theatre with your children. That would be v odd.

I’m mid-30s and on the fence about having a baby (like 70:30 against vs for), and it really comes down to loss of freedom for me. Could I give up spontaneous holidays and raving into the early hours of the morning then sleeping in the next day?

It’s encouraging that your envy is only fleeting, OP - perhaps I would get over the loss of freedom. Something to think about!

I think it’s probably the way you write things and they are very likely to come across very differently to how you intend it.

Yes I did think your comment was wtf. It’s a very odd way of expressing your opinion.

Very interesting post.

Serious question - and I hope it doesn’t offend - but if one considers the ‘fun’ things with kids that you listed (build up with santa, tooth fairy etc.) completely banal and tedious, would you say that person ought not to have children as they will be bored out of their brain?

Asking for myself. (See above about being on the fence.)

What actual statistic is it that childless women are the poorest group in society. I don’t generally go around reading statistics on things like this.

I’m curious why you think a financially well off woman is dependent on having a partner?

Ok.
In any case the OP hasn't clarified if she can go for a weekend away on her own or not, so hard to advise on her particular situation.

I’m in your sister’s situation, and I get really tired of people envying my perceived ‘easy’ life, when in reality I have some very crushing responsibilities and worries which are usually dismissed because they don’t involve motherhood.

Im childless and I love it it was my choice.
I'm looking to take a cruise or a holiday this December to avoid Christmas again with a friend.
It will be my 5th getaway this year.
But I still have responsibility for other things.
I still have to pay bills tax feed myself get things fixed etc.
Just have no worries or responsibility for a child.
I have 2 friends one as a 3 & 6 year old and having her 3rd shes 43.
The other one 42 her children are 21&22 both moved out.
Its a choice we have no matter if we have kids or not have them. Have them younger or have them older it's a choice.
Friend one wants friend 2 to help her out more friend 2 told her my days are mine now.
Friend 1 says it's not fair that she's missing out.
She really isn't missing out and all her freedom will come back one day.
But no way in hell am I going on a avoid Xmas getaway with kids.
Op it's fine to feel oh buggers wish it was me.
It will be you one day.

Well, we never did Santa as literally real at all, and I’m pretty sure DS (who’s been a savvy type since toddlerhood) pretty much always knew perfectly well that the tooth fairy was a fun ritual from which he benefitted financially, so I certainly don’t see these as some kind of essential component of parenthood, certainly not its pinnacle in any way. Mildly enjoyable extras, sure.

I wouldn’t let whether you’re enthusiastic about Santa/the tooth fairy/Easter bunny/birthdays etc factor into your decision about whether or not to have a child. Nor would I assume that parenthood is necessarily a transformative experience. I think I’m pretty much the same as I was before I had DS (at 40, so plenty of adult freedoms to compare with). I’m delighted I had him (was very ambivalent), but I certainly didn’t turn into a different person, start seeing my previous monochrome world in technicolour etc.

The problem with parenthood is that (1) it’s very subjective and depends on age, health, temperament of parents and child, plus circumstances et etc — my experience as the comfortably-off WOH parent of one healthy, NT child is going to be very different to a SAHM to several children with additional needs. And (2) it’s not something you can get a good sense of what it’s like by observing other people doing it. No accounts of parenthood I’d read before I had DS in any way resemble what it’s been like.

Why do people with children need the childfree to think it looks fun though? Childfree by choice here, and I don’t think any part of having kids or being a parent looks like fun.

Just to answer a few question- yes I have a partner and if I wanted to go on a solo trip I'm sure he'd be happy with that. But I wouldn't do it purely because I'd feel guilty for leaving my kids behind. That's my own issue, I accept.

I very much doubt my sister envies my situation tbh. She is definitely happy with her decision not to have kids and she expresses that quite often. I do think she might be a little lonely though as she's been single for a good few years now and not had much luck on the dating scene, so I do feel for her in that respect.

Whoever pointed out the pros and cons to each situation, you're absolutely right! There are so many pros to my life as it is and I would never be without my kids. But just occasionally I wonder... what if?? What would I do if I had that freedom? I think that's only natural!

Parenting is so much more fun when you lose the guilt. The occasional weekend away won't hurt your kids and will reduce any envy.

Yes sometimes choices are taken away from us - in particular bereavement and illness.

HOWEVER I agree with the sentiment. The vast majority of decisions in life are a choice. Even ones that don’t feel like it sometimes. Once you realise that, you don’t feel quite so trapped.

It’s an odd way to describe people, makes them sound like objects. And no you did not literally say ‘you could only go to the theatre with your children’ but you DID mention it in relation to not resenting childfree people, as though the two are related?

Every path taken is another path not taken. Your sister may (perhaps) envy your children. To have your family, there are other things that you can't do, at least not now. Try to reconcile to the fact that no-one can have it all.

You can have a solo holiday. I have two DC and DH and I each have a solo break every year since they were tiny. I'm not long back from a life-changing solo walking holiday. Maybe not a spontaneous, last-minute solo holiday, but a solo holiday nonetheless.

Incidentally, my SIL is childfree by choice and I'm quite sure she never envies my life. Nor do I envy hers. Do I look forward to my DC being more independent and having more personal freedom, sure. But I had my DC because I wanted to, and I don't regret my decision, and all the things that were possible in my childfree life are still possible. Not as easy, maybe, take more planning, but possible.