To be worried about ex?

[Cheeseybeanss]

We split over a month ago and every time I see him he is just a shadow of himself (he weren’t much before hence the split)

he came to see dcs last night (4 and 7) and he was just falling asleep. He has severe obstructive sleep apnea.

since we split he just seems to be going on nights out/seeing friends etc and getting in at the early hours everyday. He did this a lot before but not half as much. Could he be depressed? I have no idea what is going on with him and obviously care as he is the father of my children.

channel your efforts in to you and your children and your work and your home

Really?

You cannot invest emotionally as much as you did before.
He has to make his own decisions.

A gentle conversation where you say you're there if he needs help would be fine... but otherwise, leave him to it.

He may end up resenting you or damaging your co parenting relationship if he feels judged and it's not worth it.

You've split for a reason and whilst it's lovely that you care I wouldn't get sucked into whatever is going on.

You need to focus on building this new life for you and your children.

Sleep apnea is extremely dibilitating. How do you know he is out all the time at all hours? He really needs to get referred to a sleep clinic and get that sorted and he will start to feel better again

yes OP
really

Because he tells me. How is sleep apnea debilitating I am trying to understand it

Exactly this.

You can’t help him if he won’t help himself.

His deterioration is due to him. He has to take responsibility for himself.

He is knackered because he is spending his evenings going out and not getting much sleep. On top of the sleep apnea.

How many evenings a week is he having the children?

It's really difficult to stop caring about someone's welfare when you have a shared past .

It doesn't sound as though he was a good partner because of his life style so it's understandable you split. But you have even less of an input/ influence in his life now you are no longer together.

You do need to put yourself and your children first but you can voice your concerns for his welfare to him.

Encourage him to get whatever help he can for his physical and possibly mental problems. But that's all you can do. It's really up to him to seek help/ decide to change his life style.

He can’t have the children overnight as he is in a house share.

I feel like everything to do with the kids falls on me.
it sis anyway but it could be bloody ages until he buys another property.

@jetbotty ??

Sleep apnea is debilitating because it constantly wakes you throughout the night (with my DH, it was once every minute. He went to a clinic and had a monitor to use) even if the sleeper is not aware. This leads to falling asleep during the day, low mood, low energy etc. (Can also be dangerous to drive). My Dh now has a CPAP machine at night which cured it.

This is why I'm confused about him allegedly burning the candle at both ends. Where would he find the energy??
The point is, you can't fix people, you can only make suggestions. It's up to him to take care of himself, now.

He is an adult and is responsible for his own wellbeing. What he does or doesn't do has nothing to do with you now. You need to let go and move on. Focus on yourself and your children.

I also wouldn't be allowing him access to my house to facilitate visitation. There's no incentive to get his own place if he can use yours.

I think my question is. Is the person that he was because of sleep apnea or because he genuinely doesn’t value family life

They’re probably linked OP. It’s up to him whether he gets his health problems sorted out though.

He just said I don’t understand. He doesn’t get better 🙄. I suppose I just feel a bit guilty if he couldn’t help treating us that way which led
me to end the relationship.

My take would be that he's trying to show what a mess he is so you'll take pity and get back together with him, whether he's doing it consciously or unconsciously.

It's normal to struggle a bit after a break up. Being soft and going back and forth only prolongs the pain.

If mention it to a mutual friend/someone in his family but he is NOT your responsibility to fix. Draw that boundary now. Just because it's hard for him doesn't mean it's your job to sort it out.

He picked the kids up last night and put them in the bath, then fell asleep on the bed. I told him to get them out of the bath as I was WFH and it took him so long, there is just no urgency to him whatsoever, it became painfully unbearable to live with.

He’s not your responsibility OP.
Make sure your children are safe, take steps to make sure they are if you have to.

From what you have said, it’s entirely in his power to change his circumstances, and you no longer have the responsibility (or the right) to change him. You could have a brief child-focused conversation about it, but don’t take on any emotional burden.

It may be that him the sleep apnea making him constantly shattered had led to low mood and poor tolerance, so he got miserable, grumpy and a challenge to live with. HOWEVER you are not his Mum, and it's up to him as a responsible adult to address his physical health and mental health. If his health and attitude improve and you then like the improvements he's made and wish to reconsider your decision to end the relationship then do that WHEN he has improved things and has an established healthy track record, and NOT before.

Would you have done the same? Be honest?

He’s a fully grown adult he could help it. He could get help but he chose not to as he assumed you would always be there to make everything work. Now you’re not he’s facing the consequences if his actions. Maybe he’ll eventually seek help maybe he won’t but you are not responsible for him either way.

If he valued family life he wouldn’t be making himself even more tired by going out every night to the early hours than falling asleep when he is meant to be bathing the kids. Sleep apnea may be contributing to his tiredness.

But the going out every night is also contributing. And he doesn’t care that it’s impacting his time with his kids.