To be worried about ex?

[Cheeseybeanss]

We split over a month ago and every time I see him he is just a shadow of himself (he weren’t much before hence the split)

he came to see dcs last night (4 and 7) and he was just falling asleep. He has severe obstructive sleep apnea.

since we split he just seems to be going on nights out/seeing friends etc and getting in at the early hours everyday. He did this a lot before but not half as much. Could he be depressed? I have no idea what is going on with him and obviously care as he is the father of my children.

So he tried getting your attention, that didn't work, and he put his kids in the bath and fell asleep? It sounds like he's escalating and he's prepared to use the kids to get his own way.
Please talk to Womens Aid. They can help you assess how much of a risk he is.

I didn’t hear from him at all yesterday/last night I have a feeling he will just turn up tonight when it suits. I can’t live like that.

Then you take the initiative. Message him and tell him that he is no longer welcome to drop in when he wants. Give him a day and time, if you feel you have to, but be prepared to go out after fifteen minutes if he doesn't turn up. He's using you and relying on you to parent even when he's there and is supposedly doing it. Stop feeling guilty. That's what he is relying on

Sleep apnea can be bad, but if it's as bad as he says i tis, he wouldn't be up for nights out either. Sorry, he's just another useless man and father. And he's telling you this so you feel sorry fo rhim and will let him move back in.

Is he contributing financially?

I am not sure yet but he earns really good money. This is our first few weeks, I asked him to pick up some medicine for our son and he said he had no money 🤬 as hotels are not cheap. I worked it out on the calculator and if the kids are with me 100% he has to give me £689. We initially agreed that he has them sun, mon and Tues but because of where he is living he picks them up from school and they come for tea here and use my facilities. I don’t know if I am
over thinking this but I am not convinced he is capable of having them overnight if he just falls asleep. This is not me being bitter as I would absolutely love the free time.

So... he earns good money. But here you are, a few weeks in, and he has contributed absolutely NOTHING financially, and can't even agree to buy your child some medicine? Meanwhile, he's making no effort to find somewhere decent to live and he's so busy partying and out all night that he can't keep his eyes open so isn't safe to have the children.

OP, it's hard becuase it's all new but you are going to have to draw boudnaries here. When he has the kids, what that look slike, and finances. It's 100% unacceptable that he's not contributing financially.

What have hotels got to do with anything?

He is in a house share isn’t he?

Is he covering bills at home? Or simply moved out and not paying anything towards the kids or bills?

Sometimes when people split the one that loves our carries on paying towards bills, rather than CMS. Are you saying he is doing neither?

He was staying hotels at the beginning.

Right so he isn’t now.

How much was the medicine? That he simply can’t afford.

Again, is he at least paying bills in lieu of CMS? Because if he isn’t, how is he expecting you to afford his child’s medicine?

can you afford all the bills, including food and child related costs on your own in these first few weeks?

Also he has money go out every night but not for his child’s medicine?

It’s not the hotels that’s taken all his money is it?

Yup. Another man who has managed to confince his partner, even if she is now technically an ex, that HE is the victim when really, he's just a waste fo space.

No.

Not a chance would I facilitate his contact with the children in my house.

He needs to find accommodation where he can have the children. Not come to your house to see them.

You might as well still be together.

He's just using you, OP.

He isn't even paying maintenance.

I bet you're paying for the food, too. For bin as well.

This needs to stop.

How can he have money to go out but no money for a bottle of medicine.

He's a user.

What is he using me for?

I keep trying to question what I did wrong, what made him never want to be at home etc and I cannot think of anything!

he was honestly such a nice guy until we had children.

i will speak to him about money. When he decides to turn up. When he does I will tell him he cannot just turn up when it suits him.

He says I am the nightmare because I nag him. I asked him to get the kids out of the bath 3 times, he still didn’t move the lump

Also. I feel constantly sick at the minute,
wondering where he is and what he is doing. I don’t want him back though, hopefully this is normal and will pass

Cheesey, I say this as nicely as I can because I appreciate you're probably in something of a daze at this point.... but you need to accept he's not one of the good guys.

What is he using you for? Well, for a start, so that he doesn't have to have any childcare responsibilities from the practical to the financial. I also guarantee that he is and will use any attempt by you to assert boundaries and/or to get him to step up as a way to convince everyonee lse around him (and you) that you are a nag/he's the victim.

when he comes to your house do you feed him? I bet you do.

Nagging is the word men use to shut women up when they're being asked to do perfectly reasonable things... like take their children out of the bath.

Look up covert narcissism. It sounds like he might have some of these traits. the sooner you get him out of your life, the better.

It just isn’t what I hoped for my life I suppose. In a few months time I will probably be a lot stronger and know I made the right decision.

Don't wait for him to turn up. Text him:

"Contact with the children needs to have a structure that is in their best interest. As you cannot have them overnight yet I suggest a couple of hours for a couple of days after school and every other Saturday from 9-6. Contact can no longer continue in this house as it is confusing for them."

See what he says, be open to which days but stick firm on it being out of the house.

Go to CMS and start a claim.

Of course it's not what you wanted from life. And I bet you he sold you a whole river about how great he was going to be, and how much he loves you and would love the DC. I wouldn't be surprised if he had some past trauma he told you about and how that was going to help him to be BETTER as a partner, father, friend etc? And of course, becase you are a good person it doesn't even occur to you that someone who is supposed to love you, who is supposed to love their children, could possibly be this selfish.

That's why this is so difficult. The mindset is so completely impossible to understand as a "normal" person. We can't imagine abandoning our children or leaving them to go without.

Similarly, if we were suffering with ill health, particularly if it affected our ability yot care for our children, we'd be prioritising finding solutions. So the mindset of claiming that an illness is the problem while simultaneously being out and about every night, partying, is impossible.

which is why I suggested you look up covert narcissism. It doesn't matter if he is or isn't an actual narcissist. What's helpful is understanding personalities of this type and the fact that they simply do not have the capacity to understand other people's feelings, or to care. They are intrinsically selfish and genuinely truly believe they are the victim in every situation.

OP, you write
"since we split he just seems to be going on nights out/seeing friends etc and getting in at the early hours everyday"

He has the energy and inclination to be social with friends and staying out all night with them.

He said if his kind is busy he is fine it’s when he is relaxed.

Mind sorry

He's really pulling one over on you. Being with your children IS keeping your mind busy.

OP, you have left this man because, I suspect, you have had years of his ridiculous statements and expectations and, frankly, gaslighting. You're on the right path. Try to take a step back from some of his comments, take the emotion out and think "is this actually a legitimate/reasonable/logical thing for someone to say/do?"