My kid is unpopular - can I help?

[PeppaSheep]

I think my child is unpopular, and I’m wondering if there’s anything I can do to help.
He is 7 years old. We live in quite a small community and my husband and I have known most of the other school parents one way or another for many years. So we are included in birthday parties and get togethers at people’s houses, plus school and village events. What I am seeing is that my son is unwanted and ignored by his school friends. When we arrive in the playground no one makes a beeline for him. He goes over to a group of boys to join in and they don’t even look at him, just carry on. He tried to tell one of them something yesterday and the other child just turned away to his friend.
I’ve observed this over some time now so I don’t think I’m imagining it. All I’ve got from his teachers on the matter is that he’s fine and plays with lots of people. But this doesn’t match what I’m seeing. Sometimes he’ll seem to be playing with someone but I get the distinct impression it’s on the other kid’s terms and they seem a bit frustrated with my son.
Is there anyway I can help? He’s desperate to be friends and play with people. I’ve tried to arrange play dates and have had some but haven’t been invited to many.
I keep wondering maybe if he had better clothes or cooler toys or gave out sweets after school - but that’s not right is it? It wouldn’t be good advice for an adult.

Is he doing anything where he can meet other kids than school mates, like cubs or football?

What about scouts? Or a sport he is interested in? Or joining a band if musically inclined?

He will find his people, not all children get lucky and have a tight group of friends / best friend, but it may take time. Try and focus on what he enjoys doing first.

Can you see any specific behaviours that he has which other kids don't like? If so you could try to coach him out of them.

Other than that, yes, broaden his social circle with other clubs?

At 7 it won't be anything to do with clothes or toys being un cool.
Is he lacking is social skills?
Or maybe if it's a small community they're just not his type?
Could you try and widen his social circle by letting him join a club or sport that he's into?

One of mine was like this and it’s heartbreaking to watch isn’t it. I always told him he would find his tribe eventually and it took until secondary and a lot of extra curricular clubs but he did eventually and has a lovely group now.

Is there anything about him that sets him apart from the others? He sounds like he's a lovely little boy but kids don't like strong individuals at this age. Is he approaching the wrong crowd? Is he one of the quiet geeky ones but trying to play with the cool sporty types (or vice versa)? I agree with others to encourage extra curriculars suited to his personality so he can find his tribe that way.

Also, if he's the type of child adults love that may also present problems for him finding a peer group strangely.

Poor child. I do understand - we had the same. Try to get him into some fairly social things outside school, and nurture 1:1 friendships and playdates with the boys - and girls - he seems to get on with most. These might be the quieter children not quite on your radar. Are there others who seem a little left out?

My older child had no friends in primary school, a slightly toxic group of fairweather friends in her first secondary school, and then when we moved house and thus school, it suddenly clicked into place for her and she is part of a group of 7 - 8 absolutely lovely kids at school and happier than she has ever been. It WILL happen! It's good that you are on top of it though, and willing to do a bit of social engineering for him.

What does he like and how does he behave? These days people have to tiptoe around subjects like this because of be kind and there is merit in this but it means some dishonesty. An acquaintance had a DS who didn’t make friends, it was pretty obvious to me why there were issues but she couldn’t see it because obviously she loved her DS. What do you say? Her kid spoke down to people in a sort of slightly sneery way like they were shit on his shoe.

You can definitely help with expanding his social activities, so like PP have said can he join a club? Does he have some interests? Is he mature for his age and maybe find it better interacting with older children in beavers or cubs?

It won't be about clothes or toys, and definitely don't do the sweets thing.

What is your son like? Is he funny, chatty, confident, quiet, sporty, arty? Does he play football? Go to cubs? Play video games? What are his favourite things to do?

The good news is friendships among the boys are somewhat basic - if they find common ground that is enough. And it doesn't sound as if he is being excluded or rejected, it is just that you (and he) would like him to be actually popular or to at least have one friend who sees him as a "best friend".

One of mine struggled with friendships at school but not out of school. I think schools can be difficult if people follow the herd for fear of being left out themselves.

If you feel his social skills are ok then I'd not worry it's him and definitely look at clubs outside of school, my daughter's best friends are from out of school clubs.

We actually moved her school in year 4 due to her finding her classmates unkind and low level bullying. She's a million times happier at a new school with much nicer children.

I have this with my DS but he's 11, I kind of had a guy feeling myself because he never talks about friends or anything when he comes home so when I had a meeting with his teachers I asked about his friends and does he play etc and I was assured he was and had a group, so that made me a little more at ease, following on with another half term meeting I was then told the teachers actually stood back and observed and he actually doesn't really play with the others or walks on his own when they go to the library or whatever, queue heartbreak from momma HOWEVER I was told they think why he doesn't interact much with them is because he wants it his way or no way and doesn't have interest in what the others play generally (true he's a stubborn little so and so😂)
The school has since helped, taking DS out for 1 on 1s and he gets to bring a boy from his class and he gets to choose to activity they do, so it's helping without him realizing.
Sorry for the ramble kind of just wanted to sympathise and tell you you're gut is always right and you know it❤️ sorry I don't have any real practical advise but he sounds like my DS and sounds very lucky to have a mama like you looking out for him

Most 7 year old boys don't think too deeply about their friendships. If yours is one of the ones that does it's tough for now, but it'll get easier in 3 or 4 years as the others start to catch up (one of mine was similar).

In the meantime the best thing you can do is not to get too involved. Handing out sweets/having cool stuff will not help, and it may even make it worse. Helping him to find hobbies and activities he enjoys is an excellent idea. Whatever you do, do not try to "fix" the problem or let him know that you think he has a problem.

Does he display any behaviours that children don’t like, is he very shy/awkward?
My dd was like this (to a lesser extent but really struggled with friendships) until sixth form really, then at uni it got much easier again as they found their quirky tribe.
DS has always fitted in, even though he’s no way an ‘alpha male’ because he has a bit of a winning personality. Both are def neurodiverse btw.
I aldo didn’t find my crowd til mid-teens. I wasn’t friendless but being shy and not particularly good looking etc didn’t help (it’s good you’re part of the mum cried though, my parents weren’t and that didn’t help me either). I was so that helped my DCs somewhat.
To add - DD struggled with out of school friendships too so it wasn’t school per se. DS made friends wherever he went!

It's not the clothes and toys. Also, if that was the thing that got kids wanting to play with him, they're not the kind of relationships that he needs.

School friends aren't the right fit sometimes. My boys have close friends from other activities too. They've both done rugby for years and been through scouting as beavers, cubs, scouts and explorers. At rugby and cricket they're the only ones from their school as they play for teams in other towns (because of who my husband and BIL play for) so they've had more chances to make friends with similar vibes.

My older boy chose to change schools for 6th form and he's now somewhere where he knows a lot of people from rugby and he's happier.

I don't think you need to change your kiddo, just help him to find his tribe.

My older boy's pretty quiet and his Head said "he's a Star Wars boy in a football year". She was right.

"he's a Star Wars boy in a football year"

Excellent description!

My DS1 was exactly that, a Doctor Who boy in a football year group. He didn't really find his tribe until 6th form, but he had a great time there and at Uni with the other geeky maths kids. He got into politics at uni and runs a youth section in the city he's settled in and has great friends.

Both my boys were like that in primary. Just a imbit different from the other boys in a way I cannot really explain. They only really found their tribe at the end of seconday and once they started uni were confident , popular boys with lots of friends and had a great time. I hated the primary years to be honest .

My son was like this. He’s an only child and I think he was a bit bossy in the beginning. I once heard kids say he was the oldest in the group but the least mature. It was heartbreaking. He wasn’t afraid to disagree, stand out either. Turn taking could be difficult. These are all essential parts of group play. I told him that if he concentrated on charming his friends, making them happy, making them laugh, helping them to feel good about themselves, that was a way in, in his last year at primary he made a big effort.

Some kids find it hard to be sociable and just play. Sometimes doing an activity and being sociable, like painting, for example, can work. Maybe that’s why his teachers say he is fine because he is fine in those environments. I would try some
clubs to help introduce him to friendships
in less intense situations.

Just wondering, how were your school days? Did you have a good friendship group? But if I was you, I would speak to the school. They have all kinds of strategies for such situations and may be employing them with other children draw his problem to their attention.

My 7yo DD is similar at school. She's so keen to join in but she's in a class where she's one of the youngest and a lot of the other girls are older and definitely shun her for being too babyish. It is heartbreaking to see.

Luckily she does an out of school club on a Saturday morning where she's made a couple of good friends that she likes to spend time with.

I too have told her about finding her tribe - sometimes it takes a while. I found mine in secondary but for many people it comes later than that at uni or in a workplace

My ds is in a friendship group and one of the boys is like this, he's a nice kid and I've known his mum for a while. However I strongly suspect he has some needs and she is in denial about this. You would think he's a 2/3yo the way she babies him.
Anyway my ds and his friends play with him, but I have noticed that they are not bothered if he's there, he's also never picked and in small groups not included in smaller class parties.
My ds says that he annoys other kids so I do think it's a social issue too. There's another boy who fits the Star Wars/football description above but is very popular because he gets along with the kids.
My ds is quite shy and reserved and he's also well liked with the kids. My point is that there's all sorts of kids, but if your ds is struggling with some social aspect or needs that might be it.

I'm really not enjoying primary for my children either... was there anything that helped get you through it?
I hate the parental cliques which really really took me by surprise (I'm an extremely confident woman in my 40s but there are personalities in the playground that make me feel like I'm 12 again!) and also knowing how much to hand hold and how much to step back.
Only getting teacher feedback 3 times a year is a little tough too. I have some concerns about neurodiversity but struggling to work out where to go for help.
Ugh. Finding this stage so exhausting.

I think you need to address why people don't like him.

You can't resolve it or help him by putting him in loads of different groups, if the core reason is he is doing something that puts people off being friends with him.

Is he bossy? Superior? A know it all? What?

Just focus on helping him to do better all around.
Some ideas for clubs are scouts, football, cricket
Help him with his school work. Get him doing well with his reading, maths and timestables.
Get him doing chores at home.
All these things will boost his confidence and self esteem all around.
There's nothing that draws people more than confidence, positivity and competence (maybe looks but that's something you have or you don't)