Aibu for putting myself first

[Kindmama221]

Ok so here goes.
Please no judgement - i know its not ideal and i shpuld leave my OH but there are underlying DA issues and i cannot just leave at the moment

I am fing a man who knows my partner. My partner is emotionally distant and has been for years except when he is mentally. Verbally and physically aing me. I am considering leaving him once i am in a more stable position

The guy im f*ing loves rough sex just like me. I told him that it is purely FWB but we often push our boundaries
Safe words are in use at all times (red, amber, green) and ive used it once and all play stopped immediately

It has progressed from light slapping to full on punching and slapping as hard as possible.
Its strange but i feel really safe as i know 100% he would stop if needed. He messages me and makes sure i am ok, and after sex we will cuddle and just talk.

He makes me feel good about myself and we do the roughness in a controlled way which i am 100% in control of it via the RAG system.

Aibu dojng this and putting my needs first?

YABU mainly because of the likelihood of you ending up in A&E.

Still YABU because you're married. You need to get your act together and leave.

TMI

Sounds like a form of self harm.

Without even describing any of it you were being unreasonable. I’m sorry if things are difficult for you at home but an affair is not going to help it. I think you need to look for counselling

Thankyou for your response.
I am.not married but yes i do need to leave.

Helpful

Jesus christ, when you think you've heard it all...............

It seems weird you can’t bring yourself to type the word ‘fucking’, but have no qualms about going into a lot of detail about your sex life!

I think it would be easier for you to break up with your current partner and then decide what direction you want to take next.

Your partner is a violent abuser and you really must leave him as soon as it is safe to do so. There is lots of help out there you know. I am not judging you for cheating - given that your husband is an abuser I wouldn't care if you shagged 5000 blokes behind his back - but the risk of him finding out is terrifying, given he is already violent.

How will you explain it if your play partner accidentally leaves marks for example?

The BDSM is fine providing you are 100 % safe. Enjoying consensual violence and pain is one of the most common paraphilias I would think. You could have therapy to explore where it comes from if you like, but nobody really knows - maybe you are just wired that way - and as long as you are playing safely it's fine.

Is the guy you are playing with single? How did you meet?.

Wasnt sure it was allowed on netmums threads hence the *

I think you need some counselling.

Things are more than "difficult". She says he is a violent abuser. Do you honestly think she owes a violent abuser fidelity?

Hi
I am planning my escape route slowly. I dont want ti be found once i do leave so im biding my time.

He has left marks on me already but my oh simply doesnt know as he leaves them too.
Yes i am safe with my play mate - he stops immediately if i call red and amber is a warning to back off.
He is single and knows my oh via squash so an acquaintence really.

How is that helpful?
If you dont like it then simply just move on.

Yeah this just about covers it.

Bring back the "AIBU to like the colour pink?" or something.

The question's just as stupid but far less obvious.

You need counselling as it is seems as if you are punishing yourself

leave your partner and stop with the other man you are trying to gain power and control over your abuse(r) by having a situation in which you can stop if you need too

So you cope with the abuse at home by finding someone else to abuse you that you can stop and have some control over? It's such a depressingly dysfunctional way to try and get some self esteem. You have no idea if the AP one day might go 'accidentally' too far.

You say you can't leave because of the domestic abuse but what if your OH finds out about your affair? You're going to wind up dead. Phone women's aid and start finding a way to get as far away from this sad mess as you can. You deserve 1000 times better than any of this.

What was your childhood like? I'm guessing fairly crap. Get some help OP, please, before you end up dead.

Fucking he'll.

Yeah when you say it like that it makes no sense at all.
I think i will try womens aid as ive not tried that avebue yet x

Came here to see judgment and I am not disappointed (except that I kinda am)

The kink is acceptable as long as it’s acceptable to you, and is being done safely. Your body, your choice. To be honest, I’m pleased you’ve found something to make you feel good about yourself.

It’s often not as simple to “just leave.” I don’t believe many people “just leave.” Make that a long term goal, and work toward it - but be safe in the meantime.

Thankyou so much

I realise its fucked up and really not ideal but when you have little control over something you do grab onto the shit you CAN control

I cant control being slapped, spat on, choked etc by my oh but i CAN control the same things with the other guy. Its 100% safe.
The people saying just leave - i have nowhere to go and he would find me. Hence i need to be prepared

Well these are your life choices and if you are happy doing it, I'm not sure why you are asking other people's opinions? Personally I think it sounds dangerous and degrading but each to their own.

Ilovelurchers

Nothing to do with him, an affair gives him ammunition and pushes her down into the ground more in terms of self esteem

How on earth can OP be 100% safe when a fully grown man is punching her as hard as possible? She's going to end up dead.

YABU to use a swear word instead of saying "sleeping with".

Only men do this on MN IME