Aibu for putting myself first

[Kindmama221]

Ok so here goes.
Please no judgement - i know its not ideal and i shpuld leave my OH but there are underlying DA issues and i cannot just leave at the moment

I am fing a man who knows my partner. My partner is emotionally distant and has been for years except when he is mentally. Verbally and physically aing me. I am considering leaving him once i am in a more stable position

The guy im f*ing loves rough sex just like me. I told him that it is purely FWB but we often push our boundaries
Safe words are in use at all times (red, amber, green) and ive used it once and all play stopped immediately

It has progressed from light slapping to full on punching and slapping as hard as possible.
Its strange but i feel really safe as i know 100% he would stop if needed. He messages me and makes sure i am ok, and after sex we will cuddle and just talk.

He makes me feel good about myself and we do the roughness in a controlled way which i am 100% in control of it via the RAG system.

Aibu dojng this and putting my needs first?

The first priority must be leaving the abusive husband. Speak to Women's Aid and get that plan in place.

The second priority is not to get further into a friends with benefits relationship with your affair partner. I have no issues with BDSM - not for me but ok - but he must know you are in an abusive marriage and is taking advantage of someone truly vulnerable. In his own way it is abuse - not physical but in a way I can't quite find the words for.

Im not a man. Not entirely sure how you deduce that from the post??

He does - its in a controlled way via impact play and safewords are used

I am in contact with WA but i want to wait until my oh is away with work to give me time to get further away.

He does know - he sees the bruises and ligature marks but he always makes sure im 100% consenting. Hes really good to me which sounds ridiculous but it makes me feel better

I think you need counselling because you are not putting yourself first.
You have traded a violent abuser where you don’t know when he will stop to a violent abuser where you have a promise he will stop when you say a safe word.

You deserve better than this hair of a difference. You may feel a tiny bit safer, but you aren’t safer at all.

Please do call womens aid and get counselling on what a healthy relationship looks like as I think you have been conditioned to accept abusive relationships as all you deserve.

In the nicest possible way lovely I'll say this. I love a bit of rough and kink but I would never let a man punch me during sex or any other time for that matter. You are vulnerable ATM and I'm assuming this man knows your husband treats you like shit. If it were me I'd bin the pair of abusive bastard's and focus on me. Have you any friends or family who can support you? Could you contact women's aid? They are very good. I used them when my abusive marriage was coming to an end. You only get one life and you need to make it beautiful for you. Don't settle for being a tag teams punch bag. Real men wouldn't get turned on by punching a woman and a woman that isn't damaged wouldn't tolerate it. Please take some time and speak to a trusted friend or better still women's aid. I'm happy to reply to private messages. You are in an awful situation. I'm not judging. Just looking from the outside with experience of abusive men and some damn firm boundaries now I'm recovered xx

I don’t understand how the other man can hit you knowing your home situation. Or even want to? Says a lot about him.

Do you think that if your partner found out, and then you went to the police for help on the awful abuse in your relationship, he could then tell the police none of it was him as your affair partner also does the same (including leaving marks) but you enjoy it? I have a feeling you would get no justice for yourself if that was to happen too which is just awful, but I worry you are setting a precedent to others that you enjoy this kind of behavior, you just don't enjoy the person it is with if that makes sense xx

He plays squash!!
You couldn't make it up.

Some disturbing shit this man. Seriously OP, time to leave both these men. Stay out of a relationship until you've sorted out your self esteem.

Hi all.
Bit of an update. Hubby decided that a single plate in the sink was an excuse to give me another good hiding.
It seems recently he doesn't need a reason to get angry and it seems to be escalating rapidly - I've seen enough crime programmes to know what could happen if I keep taking it so I won't lie, I'm pretty worried.
He can sometimes be so calm and still slap me about so I never know when it's coming and if he is angry at least I can try and get out of his way

He left me with some pretty big, nasty bruises that weren't hidden (arms and neck mainly) and bite marks and someone at work spotted them.
I couldn't explain why they were so large and didn't have an explanation ready for them as im so used to them being hidden, and I spent our lunch break telling her what was going on and she is now helping me get a plan in place to leave.

It feels pretty good telling someone. One of the big bosses is also in the know and he will not be allowed on the premises if he decides to rock up to my work.
I have set up a new bank account and have had the mail sent to work for the time being so things are progressing

I have left both men.
I moved 300 miles away and am.now rebuilding my life

Really glad to hear this OP. Good luck. Time you had a bit.