Aibu for putting myself first

[Kindmama221]

Ok so here goes.
Please no judgement - i know its not ideal and i shpuld leave my OH but there are underlying DA issues and i cannot just leave at the moment

I am fing a man who knows my partner. My partner is emotionally distant and has been for years except when he is mentally. Verbally and physically aing me. I am considering leaving him once i am in a more stable position

The guy im f*ing loves rough sex just like me. I told him that it is purely FWB but we often push our boundaries
Safe words are in use at all times (red, amber, green) and ive used it once and all play stopped immediately

It has progressed from light slapping to full on punching and slapping as hard as possible.
Its strange but i feel really safe as i know 100% he would stop if needed. He messages me and makes sure i am ok, and after sex we will cuddle and just talk.

He makes me feel good about myself and we do the roughness in a controlled way which i am 100% in control of it via the RAG system.

Aibu dojng this and putting my needs first?

The main thing here is your safe, especially if he finds out.

I don't think your judgment is the best at the moment but that's for another time.

Please ring women's aid to get help and yo get out.

I have always been really confused by women who like this kind of thing, it can’t be enjoyable surely?

Its not the pain i like, its knowing that my play mate will stop immediately if i say RED. Its like an element of control

I’d much rather he be doing something else for me to say stop 🤣

Not judging by the way my friend is the same

All sounds weird af, but you do you, and be safe.

Thankyou for the mostle supportive comments. I was dreading the responses i was gonna get.
I am logging off for a bit as OH is due home soon but i will be looking into womens aid asap

Dunno about netmums, but it's sure as fuck allowed on Mumsnet

Evening.
We're just bobbing on here to say that we're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our https://www.mumsnet.com/webguide/domestic-violence Domestic
Violence]] page.
Very best wishes from all at MNHQ

For when you next log on:
Nothing wrong with what you are doing fundamentally imo: you deserve to feel happy.
I would just urge you to be careful - if you are with a violent man, it sounds like you are running some risk by engaging in an affair with someone he knows. Maybe just consider if that risk is worth it for the reward you enjoy when you see him.

Otherwise best of luck with getting out - thoughts are with you xx

You've gone from one dangerous situation to another potentially dangerous one. Are you using it as a form of punishment because your self esteem is so low?

I really hope you get rid of both and properly opt out yourself first.

Yep, this is a bloke using this site as wank fodder. As per usual at the moment.

Really? 🤢

Are there vulnerable children in this living nightmare?

YABU on all counts.
Leave the pair of them.
Stop dating.
Recalibrate yourself to what is normal in a relationship.
Set proper boundaries

If you can look at yourself in a few years and think you are fully functioning, be pleased with yourself and start your life up again.

No

I don’t think it’s up to us to decide what’s normal in someone else’s relationship, beyond the abuse from her current partner.

Also, “set proper boundaries” could come across as victim blaming.

Herbert

I had to read that twice. So your fwb punches you during sex? I'm not judging btw

Maybe change the title, i wouldnt have opened it if I'd known the subject matter

100% written by a man

There is an increasingly malign influence on MN to normalise abuse of women and make us think it’s our own idea and free choice.

Or should that be male-ign not malign 🤔

this.. i wonder what your past trauma is? putting ourselves in danger is a signpost to unresolved past issues.

You are not putting yourself first.