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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feel BF is still attached to ex-wife - AIBU? Help.

77 replies

BanTheBiscuits · 16/09/2024 17:36

Hi everyone,
Please help me.
I've been seeing my bf for the last 2 and a bit years. He has a DD aged 8.
When I first met him, I didnt realise but they were still going through divorce. I thought they were already divorced. Divorce came through 1-1.5 months after we started seeing eachother. I asked him how he felt at the time, and he said sad, and that it wasn't nice. This upset me at the time, because I felt he was still grieving/may have feelings for his ex-wife. I wondered if he'd truly processed it all, he told me he was ready for a new relationship. TBH looking back, there were a lot of red flags that I stupidly ignored because I wanted to give him a chance, and I really liked him. I found out he was still paying for her car insurance after 2 months. I told him to stop.
For context, EW is from Colombia - she is from a poor background and now works self-employed as a make up artist - my BF paid for all of her courses.
We had a 3 month break but he got back in touch with me and told me he really wanted it to work between us. We've done a lot of talking recently and met up today. He told me that he pays £200 for child maintenance and he has his DD 50% of the time. He also told me that every year, he contributes about £200 towards his ex-wife's mother's plane ticket so that she can come over and stay for 6 months of the year. He told me this provides 6 months of free-child care and also gives his DD free spanish lessons.
I told him I don't feel comfortable that he's still contributing towards the plane ticket of his ex-MIL. I said that is his ex-wifes and her family's responsibility. He told me they cannot afford it and i felt he was trying to make me feel guilty. He said that his ex-wife also asks for extra money sometimes as she struggles to make ends meet. She lives in social housing, and i believe gets benefits too. i told my BF maybe she needs to get another job then and I am sorry that her self-employed make up artist work doesn't pay the bills!!!
Btw, I feel cross about her choices in life because it's not providing for their daughter. I have a professional job and have been to uni 3x in my life and sacrificed having kids to forge a good career for myself and earn pretty ok to support myself and a child.I tried to explain this to my BF and he says he sees in from my pov but by helping his ex-wife, he is helping his DD. I said you do enough for DD, you provide for her 50% of the time when she is in your care and you also pay the mother £200 per month. He also spends £70 on her hobbies per month and just paid out £200 for a birthday party for her at the weekend - mother did not contribute towards this.

AIBU to think he is contributing too much? I am interpreting this as he still cares/loves his ex-wife. I told him maybe you should go back to her cos it sounds like you're still playing happy families.

I feel very upset about this but he made me feel unreasonable and because i don't have kids, he says i don't understand, but i just said as your new partner, I don't feel comfortable with the plane fare being paid and that's a hard line no for me... we both disagree on it, and tbh I am considering ending the relationship over it as it doesn't feel me with good feelings.

OP posts:

urbanbuddha · 16/09/2024 17:41

He’s not paying the mother.

Lemonmelon1 · 16/09/2024 17:43

I get the feeling you may have a tough time on this thread as he is providing for the benefit of his child.
However, I can understand how you feel. My husband is still paying half his ex wife's mortgage and is going through court to get his name off of it. All of his money the last 2 years has gone on the mortgage, child maintenance and court costs and hardly anything to keeping our house going.
I think you need to accept this is how he wants to manage his finances and ask yourself if this is something you're happy to carry on with.
Had I know what I do now; I would never have got with somebody with kids. I'm in too deep for that now.
I'd advise you to stop and think what you'd like and if this is really it. X

Mumof2namechange · 16/09/2024 17:45

It sounds like he's spending that money for his child's benefit.

I can't believe you're quibbling over this man spending £70 on his child's hobby.

It's good of him to contribute towards facilitating his daughter's relationship with her grandmother.

You don't sound like a very nice person, op.

Catza · 16/09/2024 17:46

You are a bit of a hard work... So you had your education and sacrificed having children. That your decision . You can't expect her to do the same. Anyway, the daughter is already here so it's pointless to talk about that.
My partner co-parents beautifully with his ex and there is a fair amount of going back and forth, helping out and even taking younger children which aren't his to clubs and doctors appointments. They are his family through shared history and common child. He regularly talks to her mother on a phone and is quite involved in helping out. But there is absolutely nothing going on between them and I trust him 100%. I always saw it as a positive trait. I dated far too many men who called their exs names and recounted tales of how they were shafted in relationships. And I am sure they are now talking this way about me...
It's refreshing to know that my partner is a loving father and a decent human being. And I wouldn't dream of telling him what to do with his money.

yeesh · 16/09/2024 17:47

He isn’t paying very much at all is he, £200 is nothing once a year. He sounds like he’s doing his best for his daughter. Your values don’t sound very aligned so you would probably be better off leaving him if you think it’s such a big deal.

ComtesseDeSpair · 16/09/2024 17:47

When you choose to date somebody with a child, you have to accept that they will want to do things which benefit their child. He pays for his child’s grandmother to come to visit their child because otherwise she wouldn’t be able to afford it. He pays for his child’s hobbies. He wants his child to have things that she wouldn’t have otherwise because his ex can’t afford them. If you’re jealous of this or interpret it as meaning that he loves his ex, I think you need to end this relationship and only date people without children and thus without any long term connection and obligations to their children’s mother.

Creating nonsense with him about how he should just go back to his ex because he’s playing happy families is just incredibly immature of you.

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/09/2024 17:49

Honestly? I don't think you are ready for a relationship with a man who has a daughter. It sounds as if his focus is making sure his daughter is provided for, and a £200 contribution to pay for the flights for his daughter's grandmother to come over sounds absolutely fine to me. Quite positive, even. He and his ex are prioritising their daughter. As they should.

"Btw, I feel cross about her choices in life because it's not providing for their daughter. I have a professional job and have been to uni 3x in my life and sacrificed having kids to forge a good career for myself and earn pretty ok to support myself and a child."
Do you intend to have children? And if so, with this man? Are you peeved that any child you have with him will not be his only child? Are you peeved this girl exists at all and you want her gone? How do you cope when she is in his care?

KrisAkabusi · 16/09/2024 17:50

He's contributing to his daughter. You're interpreting this wrong, and being unreasonable with your last comment.

Tbh, you might as well end it now. Quite rightly, he's never going to put his daughter ahead of you. And you're probably never going to stop blaming his ex.

Zephyry · 16/09/2024 17:50

You have a long road ahead with this man and his daughter. I don't think you are ready for the reality that she and her mother will be in your life unavoidably for a looong time. It doesn't sound like you can cope and sound far too jealous and controlling - you can't really have a red line about him contributing to the grandmother coming over, especially when it then contributes to so much childcare he won't have to contribute so much towards. It's really not your decision. I think he sounds like a decent dad and ex husband, I'd be more wary of him slating her and avoiding his responsibilities, as per pp comments

glassof · 16/09/2024 17:51

It's for the dd, all of it is for her benefit.
You sound really controlling

Aligirlbear · 16/09/2024 17:52

£200 per year towards a plane ticket which essentially buys 6 months of free childcare or of course he could stop paying the one lot of £200 and pay the monthly childcare fees which would be significantly increase the monthly maintenance he pays …………. Sounds like he is trying to do the right thing by his DD in a cost effective way

StormingNorman · 16/09/2024 17:52

I think you should find someone without children. You obviously don’t play nicely with others and your boyfriend sounds too good for you.

Yesilnowyoi · 16/09/2024 17:53

You have issues. You have a good man who is doing right by his child and can't see how that is a good thing. I don't think this relationship is for you.

LeopardPrint12 · 16/09/2024 17:54

Personally I would never get with a man who wasn't yet divorced from his wife.
I know a woman who got with a man who was four months out of a 14 year marriage and he was still regularly talking about his ex and of course not over it at all despite what he said. I don't know why anyone would put themselves in that position to be honest.

Alina3 · 16/09/2024 17:55

YABU.

He and his ex wife are family, and they will always be family. The success of his ex wife directly impacts the wellbeing of his daughter. The contribution towards the plane ticket is akin to paying for childcare at dirt cheap rates, and also facilitates his child seeing their grandmother.

You sound very jealous of his ex wife because she managed to have a child, there's a lot of 'I made better choices than her, why should she get all of this?' and not much introspection into the fact that you made your choices and she made hers. And now they are family.

As long as there's no romantic feelings or actions there YABU. I would hope if DH and I divorced that we would help each other financially if needed. You're being very petty.

Gcsunnyside23 · 16/09/2024 17:56

If you're having issues with this op you need to call it quits. He's spending his money on his child, you won't find many who will be on your side here.

Original poster

BanTheBiscuits · 16/09/2024 17:57

I just want to highlight that I do not have a problem with him paying £70 towards hobbies, I think it's great that he does and he is a wonderful father and something I find really attractive about him. I am just worried that he could be taken advantage of. He told me at the start of our relationship that he felt a great deal of guilt, but it was his ex wife that left him.

£200 monthly is not a lot of money, no. but he looks after her half of the month every month and he's great with her and really provides for her.

OP posts:

teatoast8 · 16/09/2024 17:58

Yabu

ToffeeSquirrels · 16/09/2024 17:58

Blimey OP you sound like hard work.
He sounds like a decent man, so let him go so he can find a partner who appreciates him
for who he is, rather than one who appears
consumed with petty jealousy.

Original poster

BanTheBiscuits · 16/09/2024 17:58

LeopardPrint12 · 16/09/2024 17:54

That was completely my mistake.

OP posts:

ComtesseDeSpair · 16/09/2024 17:59

BanTheBiscuits · 16/09/2024 17:57

£200 monthly is not a lot of money, no. but he looks after her half of the month every month and he's great with her and really provides for her.

He isn’t being taken advantage of: he contributes £200 a year towards a plane ticket and benefits from somebody else caring for and educating his child for months on end. He’s got an amazing deal.

armadillio · 16/09/2024 18:00

I am usually the first to defend step-mothers on MN but this thread is beyond defending.

I pray this man runs like hell.

BMW6 · 16/09/2024 18:01

I think it's good that he has a supportive and friendly relationship with his ex wife - she is, and always will be, the mother of his child after all. It is in the best interest of their child so is paramount.

The amounts he is giving to help her are pretty minimal and, frankly, none of your business!

You need to take time to really think this through. If you want to continue this relationship you need to understand and accept that she will ALWAYS be important to him no matter what his feelings for you are.

And of course, if the child picks up on your resentment towards her Mum you will likely be toast.

I know what I'm talking about, my DH has 2 children from a previous relationship and he has always maintained a good relationship with the ex, as have I.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 16/09/2024 18:01

Wow, very unreasonable.

And controlling, and superior. I hope he thinks twice about your relationship.

OhmygodDont · 16/09/2024 18:01

Yabu.

this is a man who genuinely care about his daughter. That man’s a good man. Stop trying to make him a poor dad.

A truly good dad would help his child’s mother because that helps his child. Nanny visiting for six months for £200 providing childcare, love, Spanish lessons and sharing culture is a bloody bargain and again his being an amazing dad supporting this for his daughter. Because it’s his daughter that misses out otherwise.

Maybe stay out of his finances because they are not your business as just his girlfriend 🤷🏻‍♀️

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