Feel BF is still attached to ex-wife - AIBU? Help.

[BanTheBiscuits]

Hi everyone,
Please help me.
I've been seeing my bf for the last 2 and a bit years. He has a DD aged 8.
When I first met him, I didnt realise but they were still going through divorce. I thought they were already divorced. Divorce came through 1-1.5 months after we started seeing eachother. I asked him how he felt at the time, and he said sad, and that it wasn't nice. This upset me at the time, because I felt he was still grieving/may have feelings for his ex-wife. I wondered if he'd truly processed it all, he told me he was ready for a new relationship. TBH looking back, there were a lot of red flags that I stupidly ignored because I wanted to give him a chance, and I really liked him. I found out he was still paying for her car insurance after 2 months. I told him to stop.
For context, EW is from Colombia - she is from a poor background and now works self-employed as a make up artist - my BF paid for all of her courses.
We had a 3 month break but he got back in touch with me and told me he really wanted it to work between us. We've done a lot of talking recently and met up today. He told me that he pays £200 for child maintenance and he has his DD 50% of the time. He also told me that every year, he contributes about £200 towards his ex-wife's mother's plane ticket so that she can come over and stay for 6 months of the year. He told me this provides 6 months of free-child care and also gives his DD free spanish lessons.
I told him I don't feel comfortable that he's still contributing towards the plane ticket of his ex-MIL. I said that is his ex-wifes and her family's responsibility. He told me they cannot afford it and i felt he was trying to make me feel guilty. He said that his ex-wife also asks for extra money sometimes as she struggles to make ends meet. She lives in social housing, and i believe gets benefits too. i told my BF maybe she needs to get another job then and I am sorry that her self-employed make up artist work doesn't pay the bills!!!
Btw, I feel cross about her choices in life because it's not providing for their daughter. I have a professional job and have been to uni 3x in my life and sacrificed having kids to forge a good career for myself and earn pretty ok to support myself and a child.I tried to explain this to my BF and he says he sees in from my pov but by helping his ex-wife, he is helping his DD. I said you do enough for DD, you provide for her 50% of the time when she is in your care and you also pay the mother £200 per month. He also spends £70 on her hobbies per month and just paid out £200 for a birthday party for her at the weekend - mother did not contribute towards this.

AIBU to think he is contributing too much? I am interpreting this as he still cares/loves his ex-wife. I told him maybe you should go back to her cos it sounds like you're still playing happy families.

I feel very upset about this but he made me feel unreasonable and because i don't have kids, he says i don't understand, but i just said as your new partner, I don't feel comfortable with the plane fare being paid and that's a hard line no for me... we both disagree on it, and tbh I am considering ending the relationship over it as it doesn't feel me with good feelings.

Why did she leave him? Is he honest about the reasons?

When I first met him, he was on £25k per year and would pay £350 to her and paid for her car insurance plus having DD 50% of the time. Also she asked that he paid for all school uniforms. I think he has changed a bit. I still think his ex wife took advantage of him when she came over here as she didn't have a job, and he paid for all her courses, bought her a car, insured it etc. That's why I am weary.

Maybe I am not a very nice person- maybe everyone is right. This is so not the relationship for me. it was my first time dating someone with a child, and it's not for me at all.

You need to stop not picking at the ex’s finances. Him paying for her course and his child’s party and her not contributing is irrelevant. If one parent can afford a party and the other can’t, why not pay for it?

Whether they were together or not when he paid for the courses, it’s just not your business. He is allowed to care for her. They have had a significant relationship.

He told me she had post-natal depression, and that she was really horrible to him. That's all I found out. I don't know her side of the story but clearly she wasn't happy.

A good man will always put his children first. Any future partner needs to accept this.

I don't feel you and this man are compatible. He chooses to contribute to his daughter's home life in various ways. That's his prerogative. As it's yours to interpret it a certain way and/or dislike it.

You'd probably be better off with someone with less/no baggage.

He’s being a good dad and supporting his daughter in helping her continue to build a relationship with her grandmother, that’s an amazing thing he is doing and you’re trying to make him feel bad for it as not even his girlfriend? This isn’t the man for you, it’s a shame not all men have this amount of love and respect for their child and the mother of their children. He sounds like a brilliant dad.

This is so not the relationship for me. it was my first time dating someone with a child, and it's not for me at all.

Well it's good that you recognise this and can end it before it goes any further for everyone's sake. We'll done for your honesty.

Ah OP you're going to get a lot of stick on this thread, but I can understand how you feel totally. I'm going to be honest and say for your own self preservation, and wellbeing, end this relationship.
Things will only get worse as the little girl gets older, there will be bigger demands for money, and you'll be constantly having disagreements and arguments with your DP.

Taking on a man with children will always result in your needs, feelings and emotions being overlooked.
You will always be the one 'making waves' in their little set ups with their previous family. You will always be overlooked.

Your DP is a Father, and he's a good one compared to many... He wants to do right by his child, and that's as it should be, but he's also got to do right by the other people in her life to ensure there's no friction or bad feelings. That makes sense.
Sadly it will never make sense to you, because your feelings will be right down the list of priorities.

You have carved out a good life and career for yourself. As you say, you've sacrificed having a family to do that. Sadly, trying to engage with an ex's family will be something that will result in you making even more sacrifices to appease others, and you'll always come up "short changed"
Focus on you, and your goals, and end this now. In time you'll look back and think it's the best decision you've ever made.

This is the most unhinged new girlfriend post I’ve ever read.

Maybe I am not a very nice person- maybe everyone is right. This is so not the relationship for me. it was my first time dating someone with a child, and it's not for me at all.

If you know the child we'll make sure you say goodbye to them or they will be incredibly confused.

Thank you, I appreciate that. I guess you learn a lot about yourself through these experiences. I agree, he's a brilliant Dad. I don't think I deserve all the hate that I am getting though. I will stay clear of anyone with children as I don't think blended families are for me :(

Sorry OP but YABU.

You're extremely lucky to have found yourself this man who seems nice and really looks after his daughters best interests.

This relationship hasn't a hope.

You may be educated but you are kacking emotional intelligence and an understanding of the role of a parent.
It's not because you don't have children (I don't either).

His child should always come first and the plane tickets is a completely logical one.

What will you be like when he wants to pay for college if she goes or contributes to her wedding etc.

If you don't break up with him,I suspect he'll break up with you anyway.

IMO you're seriously over stepping by telling your boyfriend what he should/should not be providing to his child's household. He's told you that his contributions are to help his daughter. You have said yourself that sometimes his ex wife struggles to make ends meet. He doesn't want his daughter to sense that, or live like that. Unless you are living together, married and sharing finances it really isn't any of your business.

I don't think it indicates that he still has feelings for his ex wife either. He sounds like a good man.

It is astutely none of your business. You haryana know the man. You are at best his on off girlfriend. His finances are none if your business. I would be telling you to mind your own business.

Honestly, thank you for this response. It's been the most helpful and sensitive - compared with others.

You are right, I will be bottom on the list of priorities... and I will feel like I am sacrificing more to appease. I think it's also triggering a sense of loss and isolation for me as well which is so hard and I don't think people appreciate.

I think it's best for everyone that I walk away from this relationship now.

I don't think you're horrible, people are being harsh. I do think you think she's taking the piss out of him which may be possible and technically he doesn't need to pay anything if he's 50/50. But take it as a positive he's willing to pay more to benefit his child. What you need to think about is if you want children with him or plan to live together. You need to find out now what that means down the line. He could still contribute but maybe directly to his child and not via her mother etc.

Mind your own business. He spends his money for the betterment of his child. Your not concerned about him being taken advantage of. That's BS. You are jealous and worried that he's too involved with his ex. He will and absolutely should be invested in her wellbeing and financial she is the mother of his child. Not all failed relationships end up acrimonious.

I completely disagree with you.
My BF willingly shared this information with me without me asking him. He approached me with the information. He wanted to share it with me so that I knew what I was getting involved in and that we could be completely transparent with one another and that it didn't come out further down the line. We were going to move in with eachother, so I am glad he told me so that I knew what I was getting into.

I think OP he is obviously heavily invested in his child. And also he seems to still care about his ex wife and her family.

I honestly think when you found out he was still going through the divorce when you first got together it would have been better if you had ended things then.

I don't think he has detached himself from his old life and I don't think it's fair to put pressure on him. I think you would be better ending your relationship with him.and finding some one who doesn't have the emotional baggage and responsibilities of a very recently divorced man who owes responsibility towards the upbringing of his child.

I don't think I deserve all the hate that I am getting though.

No, you do.

You’re complaining that a father provides “free childcare” and free Spanish lessons for his own child!
Listen to yourself!
It’s not even childcare when it’s his child.

Thank you - this is exactly it.
Yes, he's a great father and I loved that about him.
I DO want children and I need to know this information in order to make the decision whether this is the right relationship for me further down the line. That part wasn't completely clear though. He just shared with me what the current set up is. Think I panicked and wondered how i fit into that. Also makes me anxious that ex is low income and wondered if she'd become a bit of a burden.
All in all a very intense set of circumstances for me.
He DOES have responsibility to his existing family.

This.

Thank you.

Those were his words, not mine.
Personally, i'd never ask my ex-husband to fly my mum over, that's my responsibility...