Hi everyone,
Please help me.
I've been seeing my bf for the last 2 and a bit years. He has a DD aged 8.
When I first met him, I didnt realise but they were still going through divorce. I thought they were already divorced. Divorce came through 1-1.5 months after we started seeing eachother. I asked him how he felt at the time, and he said sad, and that it wasn't nice. This upset me at the time, because I felt he was still grieving/may have feelings for his ex-wife. I wondered if he'd truly processed it all, he told me he was ready for a new relationship. TBH looking back, there were a lot of red flags that I stupidly ignored because I wanted to give him a chance, and I really liked him. I found out he was still paying for her car insurance after 2 months. I told him to stop.
For context, EW is from Colombia - she is from a poor background and now works self-employed as a make up artist - my BF paid for all of her courses.
We had a 3 month break but he got back in touch with me and told me he really wanted it to work between us. We've done a lot of talking recently and met up today. He told me that he pays £200 for child maintenance and he has his DD 50% of the time. He also told me that every year, he contributes about £200 towards his ex-wife's mother's plane ticket so that she can come over and stay for 6 months of the year. He told me this provides 6 months of free-child care and also gives his DD free spanish lessons.
I told him I don't feel comfortable that he's still contributing towards the plane ticket of his ex-MIL. I said that is his ex-wifes and her family's responsibility. He told me they cannot afford it and i felt he was trying to make me feel guilty. He said that his ex-wife also asks for extra money sometimes as she struggles to make ends meet. She lives in social housing, and i believe gets benefits too. i told my BF maybe she needs to get another job then and I am sorry that her self-employed make up artist work doesn't pay the bills!!!
Btw, I feel cross about her choices in life because it's not providing for their daughter. I have a professional job and have been to uni 3x in my life and sacrificed having kids to forge a good career for myself and earn pretty ok to support myself and a child.I tried to explain this to my BF and he says he sees in from my pov but by helping his ex-wife, he is helping his DD. I said you do enough for DD, you provide for her 50% of the time when she is in your care and you also pay the mother £200 per month. He also spends £70 on her hobbies per month and just paid out £200 for a birthday party for her at the weekend - mother did not contribute towards this.
AIBU to think he is contributing too much? I am interpreting this as he still cares/loves his ex-wife. I told him maybe you should go back to her cos it sounds like you're still playing happy families.
I feel very upset about this but he made me feel unreasonable and because i don't have kids, he says i don't understand, but i just said as your new partner, I don't feel comfortable with the plane fare being paid and that's a hard line no for me... we both disagree on it, and tbh I am considering ending the relationship over it as it doesn't feel me with good feelings.