Living at home as an adult means you have to come on family holiday?

[ThisCoralMember]

DH says you are part of the family household or not and if you are you join all of the household on the family holiday. I say this as DS 24 has said he does not want to go on the annual family holiday next year. DS has ASD and ADHD, he woks full time and I am confident he can live independently. DH is an anxious person and the one time a few months ago when when DS was downstairs talking to us he realised he forgot to switch his bath water off and the bath was nearly full to the top with water. This means DH does not want him left alone for a week unsupervised. DS has only ever done this once ever.

DS will expected to contribute to the holiday so apart from being expected to come he will need to pay his share of the holiday too. However, we allow DS to live here rent free when he works full time as he has done since graduation from university.

What are peoples thoughts?

Absolutely not , at what age is your husband going to trust him to stay home ?

It shouldn’t be mandatory. But if it is then DH should pay. You cant force an Adult to pay for a holiday they don’t want

I’ve already told my 15 year old holidays are mandatory till his 18 then his an adult and if he don’t want to come just don’t burn down the house and feed the cats 🤷🏻‍♀️

edit.

Also a mandatory holiday should be fully financed frankly he shouldn’t have to pay to go on a holiday he gets no choice in.

When I was 17 I had the choice to go on family holidays or not. Your DH is being wildly out of order and very overbearing.

Your DH has never done something like just about flood the bathroom? I'm impressed! I'm rather afraid every single member of my family has done it at least once!

However, realising that everyone makes mistakes, after all, that's how we learn, that's never been held against anyone as a barrier to them maturing and growing into independence and self determination.

DH needs to unclench, and learn how to manage his anxiety better.

I think you've got a weird result in your voting as it's not clear where you stand! It's obvious from the responses that the overwhelming view is that your husband is being frankly odd here.

He absolutely shouldn’t be forced to come on holiday. He can choose how to spend his own annual leave.

Equally, at 24 he should not be living rent free. If you want to be treated like an adult you need to behave like one at all points, not just pick and choose the parts of adult life that suit you.

You can't make an adult go on a holiday with you. And we've all accidentally left something running.
Sorry but I would also reconsider having a 24yo who is working FT still living at home. To study or save for a limited period is great but at a point it stunts their growth and doesn't do them any favours. eg Your DH is clearly thinking of and treating him like a teenager and so DS won't be able to fully mature and learn life skills being in that environment.

I'm curious as to how exactly your DH is proposing to make your DS pay for a holiday he doesn't want to go on 😂
not to mention then 'make' him go on a plane!

Of course you can't make him go, but you should probably look at this as the starting point on the road to independence - if he's capable enough to be at home alone for a week, and to work full time, then he should be capable enough of saving the money you are very generously not charging him for rent and making plans as to when he is going to move out.

While your DH is being a bit ridiculous, I can see his overall point in that atm DS is in a sort of awkward limbo whereby he's neither a child (who you would expect to pay for everything for but also not trust to leave alone) but neither is he being treated like an adult, who would live independently or at least contribute to the household. So you probably do need to do something to push him further along the scale.

To answer the main question - No. Your DS should not be required to come on holiday with you.

Is your DH getting some help for his anxiety? Untreated mental health problems have a fairly drastic negative impact on children and partners. It’s irresponsible of him not to seek treatment if it affects the way he treats others. And is this just his anxiety, or is he this controlling anyway, even without the anxiety?

This is a question for you to consider, not something I’m suggesting is obvious from your post, but - Is it time for DS to move out anyway? If your DH is so on edge that an averted problem once, months ago, makes him take such an unreasonable position over a holiday, I wonder how he’s treating DS day to day. While DH needs treatment, whether he gets that or not, would your DS getting a bit of distance allow DS to be more of an adult?

disregard the poll as you're arguing it one way in the title and another in the text, so it's not clear which vote means which.

It will be good for all of you for your son to sit this one out. You just need to sort out the details so everyone is comfortable(ish!) with it.

Your poll isn't clear but I disagree with your DH.

That's ridiculous. Our DS2 is living at home 'for now' due to the cost of living crunch and rents, income requirements & deposit requirements being absolutely ridiculous. We wouldn't expect him to come on our family holidays, but if we 'insisted' he come then we'd expect to pay his way. If he simply wanted to come we'd probably ask for a contribution and expect him to have his own 'fun money'.

If I truly felt he wasn't capable of keeping the house clean or avoiding some kind of domestic disaster then I don't know what I'd do. Tell him to find another place to stay whilst we were gone? But if there was just a 'one off' incident then I think I'd keep my fingers crossed and just go.

A 24yr old should be able to choose whether to go on a family holiday or not, but a 24yr old should also be living independently. Perhaps the fact he’s not and isn’t even paying rent is niggling at your DH and he thinks he’s being babied. On a related point, if he’s not paying any rent (why??) he could afford to pay for his share of the holiday.

I’d be nervous of an immature/inexperienced young adult making a mistake too, eg the bath, not locking the door, leaving the cooker on, etc etc. Does he cook his own meals and do his own washing?

Of course he doesn't have to go. If he still has to live at home at 24, I should think he'd be desperate to have some alone time while everyone else is away!
Plus you get free house-sitting.....
Your husband is just wrong, OP.

Your husband is being totally unreasonable, particularly as he expects him to pay for his share on a holiday he doesn't want.

How on earth will he ever live alone if he can't be left alone at 24?

Missing the point entirely but why didn't the overflow work?

Your DH is being ridiculous. Your ds is not a child.and is under no obligation to shell out on a holiday he doesn't want.

It would be much better to use this opportunity to give you all a bit of space.

are you married to my ex? One time In our 20 year marriage I left the hob on. Once. Because I was distracted by someone knocking the door after an accident had happened outside my house.
he didn’t let that go and called me careless and ditzy for the next 13 years because of it.

one mistake doesn’t mean he’s not capable and all your husband will do is destroy any confidence he has if he carries on making an issue out of it.

hes 24 he doesn’t have to go on holiday with you.

Your DH is ridiculous. I think you can say to.DS that he will be financially responsible for any damage he causes though.

I'm voting YANBU as in I'm supporting you over your husband on this. Holidays are not compulsory events, let alone being forced to pay as well. Just no. I imagine despite your son's ASD and ADHD he's quite capable of looking after himself for a week and not setting fire to or flooding the house. He managed to live independently at uni I'm assuming? He must be getting fed up with being treated like a child still well into his twenties.

I think it's two separate issues and I can't work out if your husband thinks it's the same thing

1. Should an adult have to participate in his parents' holiday? (no)

1. Can your adult son be left home alone?

If the answer to the second one is no because of safety reasons or he is anxious about it or any other issue (if it's literally just one time getting distracted that's a DH problem entirely) then you need to solve that problem. My brother is on the spectrum and has adhd and was very slow to grow up. We had a 'lot' of learning points and he lived at home until he was 22 or so. (But then moved to another country). So I'd be looking at how to help your son become more self sufficient or set up support structures for him etc.

Of course he might have additional challenges but I think it would be helpful for everyone to decide what the goal is here - independent living? Does he need extra support? My brother has lots of lists everywhere as his brain just functions differently and he can't multitask. He has his life set up in a specific way but he's entirely self sufficient (though I know my mother didn't think this would be possible for much of his younger life). So I'd step away from this one situation and use it as a reason to look at the bigger picture.

No a 24 year old shouldn’t be forced to go on holiday . However when we go away it’s showers only because we’ve been flooded 3 times by forgotten baths .

Your husband is being an utter twat here. He is trying to treat your son, a 24 year old adult, as if he is a 10 year old child.

" DH is an anxious person" - that is DH's problem, it is very wrong of him to try and make it your son's problem.