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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not take excited 4 year old to his first lesson

204 replies

JustSaltPlease · 16/09/2024 14:09

Arggg help me out. Meant to take son to first swimming lesson today, he's been asking about it for a while.

Problem number 1 is I have a heavy period, although this isn't a massive bother.

Problem 2 is my puppy sitter has let me down and my little pup isn't used to being alone yet, between school pick up and lesson I'd be gone around 1.5 to 2 hours. So please confirm that I have to let my son down!

Dp saying to leave puppy in kitchen but God knows what stress he will be under and subsequently what damage he will do!

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 16/09/2024 15:43

I'm not a member of the "dogs before anyone else" faction. But I wouldn't leave a puppy who hadn't been left for more than 10 minutes for 2 hours!

piccolorhinoceros · 16/09/2024 15:45

Sheepchops · 16/09/2024 15:40

This is why crate training is a good idea. Puppy would sleep for two hours with no problem if it had a crate that it was used to

He is fifteen (15) weeks old. OP has had him for three weeks. Training takes time. Some puppies come crate trained, some train faster than others. My dog was a needy little thing, it took us weeks to get her to sleep in the crate overnight (with multiple pee trips!) and much longer to get her to settle in the crate alone during the day.

MangoRose · 16/09/2024 15:46

Prettypinkponies · 16/09/2024 15:20

What do you do on a night with the puppy? I think this is where most dog owners go wrong - they don’t ever leave their puppy alone. If we needed to pop out then we have always crated and left - from day one and the same overnight. Lots of dogs over the years and never had any separation issues, they always make a bit of a fuss the first night or two but that’s all. No way would I prioritise a dog over my child in this situation.

Separation anxiety is not necessarily caused by not leaving a puppy at a young age, in fact leaving them too soon for too long can cause it, also some dogs are just like that (some breeds worse than others).

Viviennemary · 16/09/2024 15:47

A child comes before a dog. Ridiculous.

distractmeagain · 16/09/2024 15:48

ah so we are teaching the child very young that anything is more important than they are!

OP is having a bad period.. oh dear! the poor puppy might get lonely.. oh dear!

doesn't matter that your son, who is excited for his very first swimming lesson, a skill that every child should learn. has to be cancelled because clearly way more important things have come up!

take the child swimming... clear up the puppies mess when you get home.. the dog will forgive you, the child may not

MangoRose · 16/09/2024 15:48

CurlewKate · 16/09/2024 15:43

I'm not a member of the "dogs before anyone else" faction. But I wouldn't leave a puppy who hadn't been left for more than 10 minutes for 2 hours!

100%. My puppy was hyper attached to me which made life even harder, even if my husband and 2 DC were there he either cried or just sat in front of the door staring at it the whole time I was out even if they were playing with him. It was a total nightmare. We can leave him 4/5 hrs now.

tattygrl · 16/09/2024 15:49

Some people are being so over-dramatic on this post: "your child or an animal?"

It's not "who should I save in a life or death situation", it's "my animal-care has fallen through last minute, is it forgivable to not take my son to one swimming lesson?".

Get a grip, people.

Nobodywouldknow · 16/09/2024 15:53

distractmeagain · 16/09/2024 15:48

ah so we are teaching the child very young that anything is more important than they are!

OP is having a bad period.. oh dear! the poor puppy might get lonely.. oh dear!

doesn't matter that your son, who is excited for his very first swimming lesson, a skill that every child should learn. has to be cancelled because clearly way more important things have come up!

take the child swimming... clear up the puppies mess when you get home.. the dog will forgive you, the child may not

Edited

Right, yeah, an animal who has no concept of the human-invented notion of “forgiveness” will apparently “forgive” the OP and will not be affected by being suddenly left on his own, yet a child who is entirely old enough to be explained to that one swimming lesson must be missed will hold this against the OP for life. Some people do live in cloud cuckoo land.

CharlotteBog · 16/09/2024 15:54

CurlewKate · 16/09/2024 15:43

I'm not a member of the "dogs before anyone else" faction. But I wouldn't leave a puppy who hadn't been left for more than 10 minutes for 2 hours!

Same here. I'm quite surprised at the number of people thinking it's OK to leave a pup for that long, for something that isn't an emergency.

It sounds like OP has found a solution that stops both the pup and the small boy being upset. All good.

WiddlinDiddlin · 16/09/2024 15:56

At risk of outing myself to anyone who has ever read anything I have written on the matter before...

Separation anxiety is normal for puppies, it is their default setting for very good reasons and it is not something we've selectively bred out of dogs.

This means we should avoid them experiencing it, at pretty much all cost (barring life or death shit really).

Turning normal puppy inability to handle being left alone into a long term and really difficult to fix adult abnormal behaviour can be done by:

Leaving a puppy too soon
Leaving them for too long
Failing to provide the security and build the confidence that they need
Subjecting them to long term constant stress, lack of sleep (see all the 'make your puppy sleep by themselves, ignore crying' people for this one).

It can also be triggered by one off unpleasant events that occur whilst alone or in some way linked to being alone.

Puppy confidence comes and goes, in the first year we have to be REALLY careful to avoid unpleasant experiences and that might be them being alone too long, being upset or frustrated, or something actively nasty happening (house fire, someone bashing on a door for ages, sudden scary window cleaner... ). What a puppy can cope with this week is a very poor indicator of what they'll manage next week.

Are there some puppies who will tolerate it and be absolutely fine, gradually getting used to longer and longer periods - of course there are. Are there some who will cry a couple of times and then appear fine, absolutely.

But you cannot guarantee a puppy will do that, by simply looking at the puppy, there is no way to tell which will cope and which will not.

Accepting that what we're asking is hugely unreasonable and abnormal, and taking it carefully is the sensible plan. If we are wrong, then oh dear, it's been an intensive year raising the puppy, ensuring those foundations are in place, and we've gone slower than perhaps we could have.

If however, we assume they'll be fine, and we are wrong - oh dear we've got a dog who self harms, trashes crates, panics and pisses everywhere, smashes out of windows, rips sofas/blinds, howls... needs months or YEARS of behaviour modifcation to get over it, or needs to be rehomed. Or needs to be euthanised.

It is a year to 18 months of your time, out of the 12+ years you'll have with a dog. If that is too much to ask, don't get a dog. Just don't.

distractmeagain · 16/09/2024 16:03

Nobodywouldknow · 16/09/2024 15:53

Right, yeah, an animal who has no concept of the human-invented notion of “forgiveness” will apparently “forgive” the OP and will not be affected by being suddenly left on his own, yet a child who is entirely old enough to be explained to that one swimming lesson must be missed will hold this against the OP for life. Some people do live in cloud cuckoo land.

yes buts its not just 1 swimming lesson is it.. its the very first one! this 4 year old has probably been waiting an age for this day to come.

but i guess as i'm from 'farming stock' .. its a dog!

LightDrizzle · 16/09/2024 16:04

I’m aghast at all the posters saying you put your child first. If the choice were between leaving the 4 year old or the puppy alone in the house for two hours than obviously you prioritise the child but to risk extreme anxiety for 2 hours to a puppy before it has been accustomed to being left in order to take a child to a class that they can attend the following week, - it’s the wrong decision. You just explain to the child why you can’t go, apologetically and agree on a treat to make up for it.

When you get a puppy you have to accept these compromises will be involved for the at least a few months. This needs to be explained to all family members, just as they have to understand that puppies can’t be treated like soft toys; that they will mouth with their needle sharp puppy teeth; that they will chew things left within reach.

I hope your son isn’t too disappointed OP!

Thisismetooaswell · 16/09/2024 16:06

If the puppy was 8/9 weeks old I wouldn't leave it. 15 weeks I would absolutely leave the puppy and not disappoint my son

Curtainsformeplease · 16/09/2024 16:12

Well done OP, I am so pleased that you have managed to find such a good solution.
I wish all dog owners were as conscientious as you 🦮

Curtainsformeplease · 16/09/2024 16:16

Pandasnacks · 16/09/2024 14:25

@Curtainsformeplease calm down, she means a toy for her child. Why are people so ready to be mad for a dog when she's said she doesn't intend to leave it anyway?

Phew, sorry my mistake

JustSaltPlease · 16/09/2024 16:20

Blinkingbonkers · 16/09/2024 15:17

What on earth do you do with the puppy at night if it can’t be left alone for two hours?!

He sleeps in a crate next to my bed for now!

OP posts:
JustSaltPlease · 16/09/2024 16:24

distractmeagain · 16/09/2024 15:48

ah so we are teaching the child very young that anything is more important than they are!

OP is having a bad period.. oh dear! the poor puppy might get lonely.. oh dear!

doesn't matter that your son, who is excited for his very first swimming lesson, a skill that every child should learn. has to be cancelled because clearly way more important things have come up!

take the child swimming... clear up the puppies mess when you get home.. the dog will forgive you, the child may not

Edited

Read the full thread.

OP posts:
Nobodywouldknow · 16/09/2024 16:25

distractmeagain · 16/09/2024 16:03

yes buts its not just 1 swimming lesson is it.. its the very first one! this 4 year old has probably been waiting an age for this day to come.

but i guess as i'm from 'farming stock' .. its a dog!

Nonsense. Anyway the the OP has explained to the child and he’s fine with it. There’s no explaining to a terrified young puppy that suddenly his caregiver is gone. if you’re from farming stock and understand animals, you will also know that actions early on in the animals life can affect it’s behaviour negatively in the future. Whereas the child will genuinely not be remotely harmed by missing swimming.
Also the kid wanted the puppy so it’s a really good lesson about being a responsible owner.

JustSaltPlease · 16/09/2024 16:25

Oh and guess what, my son hasn't broken his heart that he's having a fun float session instead if a swimming lesson! And my puppy is happy

OP posts:
Nobodywouldknow · 16/09/2024 16:26

JustSaltPlease · 16/09/2024 16:25

Oh and guess what, my son hasn't broken his heart that he's having a fun float session instead if a swimming lesson! And my puppy is happy

He will 100% prefer fun floats to a lesson anyway!

DeccaM · 16/09/2024 16:29

You're doing the right thing. You've only had the puppy for 3 weeks, he hasn't been left on his own for more than 10 minutes. To then leave him alone for 2 hours would be too much of a leap. Leaving a puppy alone for too long too soon can lead to separation anxiety.

Your son will be fine, especially as you've found an alternative swimming activity for later today.

I think it's easy to see which PPs have dogs and which ones do not. 😀

Newmumburnout · 16/09/2024 16:33

Take your son to his first lesson. The puppy will be fine, you need to leave them alone so they get used to being without you. Don't let you son down

CharlotteBog · 16/09/2024 16:35

DeccaM · 16/09/2024 16:29

You're doing the right thing. You've only had the puppy for 3 weeks, he hasn't been left on his own for more than 10 minutes. To then leave him alone for 2 hours would be too much of a leap. Leaving a puppy alone for too long too soon can lead to separation anxiety.

Your son will be fine, especially as you've found an alternative swimming activity for later today.

I think it's easy to see which PPs have dogs and which ones do not. 😀

I was team pup, and have never owned a dog. I am usually joining in with the people moaning about owners who allow their dogs to bark a lot, or are not under control when I'm out running in the fields.
One of the reasons I have never owned a dog is because I am really not ready for the commitment they need. My boys (who have been on at me For Ever to get on) joke that I will do so when they've left home ie. when I have fewer responsibilities.

Newmumburnout · 16/09/2024 16:37

This contradicts your other post. He wanted the puppy so now he can't go swimming it's a good life lesson. Now you say you would not tell him he can't go because of the puppy ?

Springadorable · 16/09/2024 16:38

Newmumburnout · 16/09/2024 16:33

Take your son to his first lesson. The puppy will be fine, you need to leave them alone so they get used to being without you. Don't let you son down

OP has said she is building the puppy up gradually, which is absolutely the right way to do it. This will lead to a dog that is confident being left rather than one that is thrown in at the deep end and becomes anxious.