To really want a ONS?

[Ohshandy]

So, DH and I haven’t really been in a relationship for the past 8 months, he moved out 2 weeks ago and I am not going to lie I have found it really difficult and don’t really feel myself? Is this normal? I just feel really out of sorts

we have been together for 17 years and I went on a night out on Saturday and got super drunk, I o ow probably not wise but I got talking to a guy and although I chickened out, would it be good for me to have a one night stand?

You say you don't " feel yourself" and you are having difficulty adapting to your new status since your DH moved out.

This seems like a perfectly normal reaction, especially given how long you and your DH were together.

I do think you would be wise not to jump into ons or any other relationships ATM until you are feeling a bit more in control of your emotions. You could end up doing stuff/ acting in a way that you might regret.

Let the dust settle from your marriage breakup a bit before you start hooking up with other men.

I think deep down I know that is the right thing to do. I just feel a bit numb and don’t want to feel like this anymore. I definitely don’t want a relationship

Normal response. But you must know it's a really bad idea. Obviously I don't know the background to what happened, but in a separation it's all about them not 'wanting' you so you want to feel wanted and validated. To feel something after walking around numb to the fallout you've been experiencing.

But you could behave in a way you'll regret later. ONS can put you in a very vulnerable position. Don't know if you have kids but if you bring them to yours they know where you and the kids live even if they're not there. If you go to his that's even more vulnerability to harm coming to you. You could get an STD. You could find out later the person knows your ex, your kids etc.

You really need to take time to yourself to let dust settle x

I would never bring them to my home. I just want to get back to myself again. I have never had a one night stand and just wanted to be a bit reckless for once in my life.

Why is it always mumsnetters are so against ONS!

Nah subpar sex, you don't know they'll be compliant with contraception. If you want casual sex I'd recommend fabswingers.

Nothing wrong with wanting casual sex, but you might aswell get to see some reviews, test their attitude and see what they're working with first.

It might just boost my confidence. I gave the guy my number and he wanted to take me out for dinner the following day but I cannot reply and say sorry it’s just sex that I want 🤣🤣

Personally I’d think of something else reckless to do - otherwise this numb / out of sorts feeling will likely quadruple if you do have a ONS. I’d say you need to be in a much more stable place before a ONS - not against them per se if it’s right for the individual , but you need to be aware a lot of mental baggage can go alongside them, particularly how you feel at the moment - and then that would be a whole new thread on MN about how bad you feel and the complications it brings 😔 i.e. so drunk not sure if he wore a condom - have I caught an STI - we exchanged numbers but he blocked me etc. etc.

Really best to take some time to process the massive changes in your life without adding additional feelings / complications and then when you are feeling more you - you can make informed choices.

It’s a massive change after being together for 17 years and there will be lots of conflicting emotions sadness / loneliness / grief / elation - be kind to yourself and take time to work these through.

Any other reckless ideas? 🤣

I was really drunk on Saturday night and had to be helped into my house (luckily my brother picked
me up) I am still recovering from it. My ex just keeps going out until the early hours like he doesn’t care but I don’t think that is the right option for me as it takes me a week to recover 🤣

Sure, it's just sex, not a moral conundrum.
This is why sex clubs exist, there will be one near you for safe, anonymous sex.

Going against the grain here, do it. You only live once. Do it, once, tell no one, move on.

Why would this be reckless or some sort of crazy act? Who cares? I’ve had about 25 of them in my life. So what?

If you want to have sex with someone then have sex with. As long as you’re both consenting adults, who cares?

Depends on your definition of reckless 😂 you’ve tried the too much wine approach, take up skydiving , when was the last time you went away on your own ? Go on line / to the travel agent and book the first weekend away you are offered …………. Book a weekend to learn how to build a dry stone wall - anything out of character you have never done before / wouldn’t normally consider but doesn’t result in emotional baggage 🙂.

Use protection, it's all good. BTW, you can tell the guy, it's just sex you want.

Best way to get over a man is to get under another one.

In my early 20s I had a few ONS and they were fun but I wouldn't do it straight after coming out of a relationship as emotionally you'll be all over the place.
Once you're more settled and can learn to separate emotion from sex, they can be quite fun.
So many people on MN are against ONS but if you're both consenting adults and take the necessary precautions to keep it safe then I don't see the problem.

I’m not a prude and I’m not anti-ONS (I had quite a few before I settled down- in fact my now husband was supposed to be a ONS but it developed into something else!)

I think people are advising caution because the OP sounds vulnerable at the moment. She wants to feel wanted and desired, so she is- on some level- looking for something emotional from something that is purely physical.

That’s my interpretation anyway, and why I would advise you to give it some thought before jumping in OP. ONS can be brilliant, but they can also be damaging if you’re in a vulnerable place.

If you want sex go have sex.
There's apps where you can explicity say what you are and aren't looking for.

Why not accept his offer of dinner, and during dinner should the conversation arise, tell him you're not after a relationship but some flirting wouldn't go amiss.

You have one life.

He is a bouncer 😩

So? What’s that got to do with anything? Are you Ok?

Yes fine, just making me think he has slept with loads of women but I suppose that is just an assumption

Nothing wrong with a ONS (had a FWB myself for a couple of years) but you need to be in the right mindset for it. You sound a bit vulnerable at the moment and it might not make you feel better about yourself. When you are grieving a relationship it's difficult. Maybe give it a little time.

So what if he has? You’re only interested in a one night stand so you what does it matter if he sleeps around? Wear a condom. You’re not looking for a new husband.

If you want to have sex, go have sex. If you want to eat ice cream and drink wine then eat ice cream and drink wine. Go out with your friends, take up a new hobby, join some groups. Do whatever will give you some fulfilment and make you feel better, or just give you some fun.

Why would that matter?

If you want a ONS, I say go for it. But make sure you are safe - do not go out and get blind drunk again. You need to be in control of what is happening.